When Jeremy opened his eyes, tired and weary, he was disoriented by a white beam of light. His eyes burned as he squeezed them shut. He counted silently to ten, a habit he had adopted when he was surrounded by darkness and needed his pupils to adjust. But this time it was to the light that he needed to adapt.
He slowly opened his eyes and blinked. Dancing red dots twinkled in front of Jeremy as the light dimmed and revealed a glossy train station. White walls endlessly stretched on around him as he lay on a short plastic bench. As he looked ahead, he saw a small dip in the floor and a pair of railroad tracks that were winding into the distance. Jeremy shivered as he cautiously set his cold bare feet on the marble floor, a series of light bulbs dangling on cords over the railroad tracks. Jeremy was alone in this temple of light. His hand went to his coat pocket to grab his phone, only to realize that he was wearing a spotless snowy robe instead of his usual trench coat and undershirt.
I certainly didn’t put this on before bed, he thought to himself as he continued exploring his new clothes. His thoughts were interrupted by the clanking footsteps from a pair of heavy boots. Jeremy turned to face the newcomer, forgetting that the plastic bench was in front of him. Tumbling forward and struggling to keep his robe on, Jeremy landed face first at the feet of a tall man. He wore large black leather boots that stretched up to his knees, with polyester pants stuffed lazily into them, held up by a thin fraying belt. He also had a white dress shirt, cleanly tucked into his pants, over which he wore a black blazer and tie. The man smiled graciously as he lent a hand and heaved Jeremy to his feet.
“Sir I’m, I’m terribly sorry, but I’m not sure where I am,” Jeremy stammered, smiling tentatively. The man beamed, revealing a set of pristine teeth.
“Yes, few people do. But you must ask yourself, is it a question of where you are, or where you are going?” he stared at Jeremy with his brown eyes. “Ticket, please.” He thrust his open hand out towards Jeremy.
“Is this a dream?”
“Dreams are where your infeasible fantasies take form, a term to describe an impossible reality in juxtaposition to the ‘actual’ reality. Perhaps this ‘dream’ is more real than you think. It certainly isn’t any less real than your supposed reality.” A moment of silence passed. “Ticket, please; the train will be boarding momentarily.”
“But there isn’t any train here.”
“There will be soon, in just about…” The man rolled up his suit sleeve to reveal a collection of eight exquisite watches strapped to his forearm. “About a freckle past forever. Now for the last time, may I please have your ticket, sir.”
Jeremy looked down at his milky robe and murmured, “I don’t have one.” The man laughed heartily, his silky voice jouncing across the endless light.
“Of course you do, it’s in your left breast pocket.” Jeremy reached across his robe to the pocket, and sure enough, he found a small silvery ticket that read: “Boarding ticket. One way trip to the other side…” Jeremy didn’t finish reading because the man snatched it out of his hands and started reading fervently.
“Hmmm, interesting turn of events. Usually I get older folk… But let’s see.” The man started reading the ticket aloud. “Jeremy Bloom. 5’ 9”, 37 years of age. Brown hair, blue eyes. Married to a Delilah Bloom for three years.” The man’s fingers drummed across the back of the card before turning to Jeremy. “Certainly an unfortunate choice in women you have.”
“I beg your pardon!”
“Oh, did I say that aloud? My condolences. Tick tock.”
“Now I know this is a dream.”
“Just as much as a dream as the other fantasy you were living. Who are you to define what is real and what isn’t? Tell me, do you remember what was happening before you got here?”
Jeremy opened his mouth, but quickly closed it as he furrowed his brow in thought. “It’s all a little fuzzy, but I do know I was going to bed early because it was a Monday night, and Delilah was out late at work. I think I was sleeping, and then I remember a door. Yes, the door opened and someone walked in, and that’s it. I woke up here.” The man pursed his lips, and checked his watches.
“Tick tick tock, and you don’t remember anything else? No pain, no screams, nothing?” Jeremy shook his head. “That’s always nice, ‘pleasantly peaceful’ I like to call it.”
Jeremy ignored his comment, “So then, what is this place?”
“Why, it’s the lingering. Your first stop on the road of where to go next. Sometimes I feel like people are so caught up in what’s happening to them in the moment, that they’re ignorant to the ticking of what will happen next. What can people do when they live in such a world of fools as where you came from?” The man looked up at Jeremy, letting another moment slip through the time and flit away like dust in the air. “You do realize you’ve been shot, don’t you?”
“I’m sorry?” Jeremy panicked for a moment patting his chest for any gaping holes.
“Right on your forehead in fact. Just above your left eye.” Jeremy’s hand felt feverishly over his forehand and stopped when it reached the small gaping hole. His crusty skin was flaking away around the hole, no blood or pain. Just blank gap, filled with the silver shards of a bullet. Jeremy licked his lips, his hands trembling, “Wh-... what happened?”
“Well, to state the obvious, you were shot. Your wife has recently developed an addiction to gambling along with an obsession of sex with a certain Sam Lebony, hence why she’s been arriving home late from ‘work.’ Sinking further into debt, she needed you out of the way and the money from your will in order to pursue her Sam. Came home with a gun, a tick, a tock, a shot, and you’re here. Your choice in women is really quite vacuous.” The man let out a broad smile and checked his wrist with no watches. “Good heavens! We’re running short on time, a freckle past a hair already!”
Jeremy methodically rubbed his hollow aperture. His voice quivering faintly “Oh my god… So, so then, am I dead?”
“He can be taught!” The man said with a hint of mockery. “Now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.”
Jeremy thought he was going to vomit, as his face grew pale and his stomach bilious. Balling his fists, Jeremy dug his nails into his flaky skin, a habit he developed to alleviate stress or nausea. “Oh god, I’ve lost everything.”
The man snorted, “my goodness why is everyone so pessimistic about death, why think of it as an ending? Why not a whole new beginning? You people always look at life so linearly. You’re born, life sucks, and then you die.” The man shook his head in disagreement.
“But everything I worked for! Everything I created-“
“Can be remade. Try something new perhaps, you really can’t stay dwindling on the past. It distracts from the future.”
“Well, what do I do now?” Jeremy said, looking at the man helplessly.
“You decide where to go from here, your ticket will take you to the other side.” The man took out a single hole puncher, perforating a clock face into the right corner with a single Click. He offered the ticket back to Jeremy. “I suppose you could wallow in self pity like some people instead of looking ahead, but I do suggest taking the train.”
“Where will the train take me?”
“Onward, forward, progression, through the light. You could call it the City of the Dead. If you don’t want to take the train, you could try to hitchhike back to the land of the living, but in my opinion, that always ends poorly. Nearly impossible to do, and your loved ones seeing your walking corpse doesn’t exactly put you in the most positive light.” He chuckled softly. “Tick tock.”
“And if I stay here?” Jeremy asked. The man clicked his tongue and grinned, shaking his head he pointed to a sign plastered to the ivory wall. It read: “No Loitering.”
“Rules are rules, terribly sorry.” The man said as Jeremy sat down on the plastic bench, despondent.
Jeremy paused for a moment, his hands gripping his ticket like it was a lifeline. “What’s it like?”
“Pardon?”
“What’s it like? The City of the Dead?” Jeremy looked up at the man.
“Well, you know I’m not entirely sure. I’ve never been myself. Someone has to punch the tickets you know,” he gave his hole puncher a couple clicks. “Really quite tranquil being me. Ticking and tocking, staying in one place, never having to worry about what to do, or where to go next.”
“Well, how do you deal with it? Being... well, being dead. You are dead, right?” Jeremy asked, his hands quivering.
“Me? Well, I suppose legally speaking I am dead, according to paper and documents that is. Technically… well perhaps we could save that conversation for another day” the man let loose an ebullient smile, and took out a pocket watch from his breast pocket. “Tickidy Tock, goodness gracious, you best make up your mind soon Mr. Bloom, it’s already a quarter past never. The train will be arriving momentarily.”
Jeremy sat in silence while seconds slipped sadly by. “What should I do?” He asked dismally.
“What should you do? What you should do is figure out what you’re going to do. Why should my opinion matter to you? Opinions are just like morality and malevolence; they’re shaped entirely by perception. Your perception is formed by the perceptions of other people. When was the last time you made a decision completely on your own discourse?”
Jeremy laced his fingers anxiously, “But how do you deal with it? There has to be something you can tell me. Something coherent at the least!”
“Well no need to get snippy, sir. I suppose the best advice I can give is that death is really an issue of mind over matter,” the man stepped into the dip and stood on top of the railroad tracks. “If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” The man’s arms stretched forward as he placed them on Jeremy’s shoulders, heaving him up to his feet once again. The entire station began to roar as a large, milky, plastic train came rumbling down the tracks.
The man let go of Jeremy’s shoulders, while Jeremy looked down at him with trepidation. Giggling gaily before saying “tick tock,” the man flashed one last jovial smile before the train crashed into him. His body disintegrating into white smoke that was engulfed by the vapors seeping from the train as it screeched to a slow stop. The doors opened and Jeremy drummed his fingers mellifluously against his robe for a moment. He paused for a second and glanced back at the empty plastic bench, then down at his ticket. Jeremy looked back to the train and took a deep breath as he slowly stepped into the colorless locomotive. Closing his eyes and listening to the “whoosh” of the doors closing behind him, as the train groaned forward.
P.S: Edited version, I think I nailed it this time. I've printed and re written and peer edited this piece so many times that I've lost count. But a couple more times certainly can't hurt. Thanks for reading!
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140,769 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey dogs,
I know it's been too long, but I'm going to try to fulfill my offer to review your piece. I can only offer my apologies and try to give you the best review I can right now. I moved to your most recent piece because I don't see the point of reviewing the old one.
That said, your piece is one of those pieces I always dread reviewing because there's not much to say except, "It's really good." So, just so you know, it's really good. I love the time keeper guy.
Excuse me as I scramble for material to put in this review that hasn't already been mentioned. If I do say repeat something, forgive me as I just skimmed through the other reviews.
I've never heard of someone sleeping in their trench coat before.
So many people die a day, I'm not sure he would really take this into account.
Your description is great, especially compared to your first draft which I read, but I'm not sure this is possible from what I understand of their positions. Perhaps describe their positions related to each other a bit more.
I think you nailed it this time too. I'm sorry I couldn't get to it sooner to help you out.
The message beneath the story here is very nice, and not really in your face. I was glad for the chance to read it.
As late as this was, I hope it is a help. If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM.
Megsug
Everyone else has great big long nit-picking reveiws, but I just want to say that I found this story very creative and fun to read, even if it made me think for a few minutes in places, and I felt obligated to get a dictionary for "juxtaposition."
Really neat idea. I like those stories about people who don't know their dead or are dead or whatever; anything in that genre. I do some ametuer stories about the same thing, but yours was actually good! I liked the entire conversation between the ticket-guy and Jeremy, and the ticket-guy's veiw on things was really fun to read.
P.S: can I look into your brain? It seems like the kind that would actually be... interesting, if this story and the ticket-guys dialog is any indication.
Hello. This was very well written so any comments I have are nitpicks
"Dancing red dots shimmered as the light dimmed and revealed a small train station"
--I didn't much like this line. Where were the red dots shimmering? I feel that needs to be mentioned. They could be shimmering right before his eyes (that's what I'm guessing) or they could be everywhere. Anyway, I thought that seemed a little ambiguous since you didn't mention where the dots were. Also, you could replace the word "small" for a better adjective. Is knowing that the station is small more important than knowing it's dingy? Desolate? Blood-stained? A stronger adjective would give the reader more to imagine
"White walls endlessly stretched on around him as he lay on a short plastic bench"
--I think you need to disconnect these two ideas. The way this is phrased gives me the impression that the walls are still stretching on as he lay there, if that makes sense.
"Jeremy shivered as he cautiously set his cold feet on the marble floor, a series of light bulbs dangling on cords over the railroad tracks"
--As the previous reviewer mentioned, you need to state if he is barefoot or not. It's something you don't want to leave up to the reader to decide. Also, this sentence doesn't make sense because the part after the comma doesn't relate to the previous part. It's like a random thought tacked onto the end of a complete sentence.
"His thoughts were interrupted by the clanking footsteps from a pair of heavy boots. Jeremy turned to face the newcomer, only to forget that the plastic bench was in front of him."
--I think you should start a new paragraph with "His thoughts . . ." and also you used "only to" in the previous paragraph, so it lost all effect.
"Jeremy landed face first at the feet of a tall man"
--I didn't like this line. It's the "at the feet" part. I don't think it flows very well. It would be better if you said "Jeremy landed face first before a tall man" or something like that.
"over which he wore a black suit and tie"
--I think this description was good until I got to this part at the end. It struck me as odd that you described the tall man's attire starting from the inside and working out. The last part you mentioned was a suit and tie, and I felt that could have come sooner. Either that or exchange black suit for blazer, because "suit" implies the whole outfit but you already mentioned polyester pants.
"“Sir I’m, I’m terribly sorry, but I’m not sure where I am,” Jeremy stammered, smiling tentatively. The man beamed, revealing a set of pristine teeth."
--Great, that really helped to hook me into the story. Nicely done
"bulky brown eyes"
--Definitely change bulky for another adjective.
"“Dreams are where your infeasible fantasies take form,"
--I suggest removing "infeasible", that's kind of implicit and redundant
"a term to describe an impossible reality in juxtaposition to the ‘actual’ reality"
--Juxtaposition is a nice word but I don't think it belongs in this dialog. I just didn't think it suited the moment
"“Ticket, please; the train will be boarding momentarily.”"
--This made me imagine a train boarding another train. I don't think that's what you meant. I'm not entirely sure if this does make sense or not but anyhow, it would be better to say "the train will be available momentarily" or something like that
"a collection of eight fine watches strapped to his forearm"
--"Fine" is another weak adjective. Remember that each word you choose is important and can alter the reader's imagination in different ways. There's no point wasting that one adjective on a word that won’t really invoke a strong image
"may I please have your ticket sir.”"
--Remember to use commas in dialog when names / titles are used. "Are you okay, Jeremy?" "Sir, I told you that chicken has problems"
"Jeremy looked down at his milky robe and murmured, “I don’t have one.”The man laughed heartily, his silky voice jouncing across the endless light."
--I personally wouldn't use two rhyming adjectives so close together. I noticed, meaning others will, too (if you do change one, change milky)
"“Hmmm, interesting turn of events. Usually I get older folk… But let’s see.”"
--This made me wonder why the suited man didn't already notice this. Does Jeremy look older than other men his age? I don't get why the man commented on that once he read his age, surely he would have noticed
"“Oh, did I say that aloud? My condolences. Tick tock.”"
--Haha! I loved that line.
" Yes, yes, the door opened and someone walked in, and that’s it."
--I didn't like the double yes.
"Your first stop on the road of where to go next, sometimes I feel like people are so caught up in what’s happening to them in the moment,"
--New sentence after "next,"
"“I’m sorry?” Jeremy panicked for a moment patting his chest for any gaping holes that were leaking precious blood."
--Comma after "moment", also I don't like the "precious blood" part. I thought that ruined this line because it seemed so out of place
"Jeremy licked his lips, his hand trembling"
--Don't hands usually tremble together instead of independently? Unless the other hand is grasping something then I think they would probably both be trembling.
"Your choice in women is really quite vacuous.”"
--He kind of already said that. Also I don't get these freckle comments . . .
"Jeremy methodically rubbed his hollow aperture. His voice quivering faintly "
--Were these two sentences previously joined? It seems like that period used to be a comma
"The Man snorted,"
--Lowercase 'm'
"Your born, life sucks, and then you die.”"
--You're. Also I thought his little speech was kind of ignorant. Most see death as an ending because they don't know if anything comes after. I don't get why he would say that
" you really can’t stay dwindling on the past."
--I might be wrong but I believe "dwindling" is misused here.
"The man clicked his tongue and grinned, shaking his head he pointed to a sign plastered to the ivory wall."
--Another example of how you need to either rephrase or split into two sentences.
"Jeremy sat down at the plastic bench"
--Sitting down AT a bench doesn't necessarily mean he sat ON it
" he gave his hole puncher a couple clicks"
--couple of
"You are dead right?”"
--You are dead, right? Without the comma it isn't a question but more like the statement "you are dead right (absolutely correct)"
"What you should do is figure out what you’re going to do"
--Well, duh. Most unhelpful advice ever. I really don't like this man. He's so . . . UGHH (that's a good thing that you got me to not like him, I'm not saying you have to change anything there)
"completely on your own discourse?"
--I don't think "discourse" is the right word, here
"Jeremy laced his fingers anxiously"
--I'm not entirely sure what that means / looks like
"Something coherent and fruitful!”"
--I'd cut these last four words. They sounded silly in my head
"“Well no need to get snippy sir,"
--Well, no need to get snippy, sir
"large, milky, plastic"
--Triple adjective? I don't think so. Maybe stick with two, or better yet, describe the train! We've all been waiting for the train to arrive. Now that it has, don't cheap out and leave us with three adjectives!
"Giggling gaily"
--Just no. On every level no.
"mellifluously"
--Come on, now you're just showing off. Some of the words you use are spot on and the right amount of intelligent, but others, like this one, are over the top and superfluous
Okay, overall, I liked this piece. I think it's great because it gets you thinking and keeps you guessing, and the suited man was just the right amount of ominous. His dialog was cryptic at times but it didn't come across as too preachy and there weren't any obvious messages you were trying to get across, which I rather admire because that always becomes distracting and takes away from the story.
I think you could tweak the ending a little so it has more of an impact. It kind of ends off as if there is more to come, so I think you need to end it so the story is obviously concluded. Also, the fact that the train hit the suited man and he turned into smoke had absolutely no effect because 1) it was obvious that would happen when he stepped onto the tracks and 2) Jeremy already asked him if he was dead and he admitted it. Maybe if you cut that part out so the reader doesn't know the man is also dead then it would have more of an impact when he gets hit by the train and becomes smoke. Otherwise it just seems a bit pointless (also the suited man kind of avoided the conversation anyway, so you could easily cut it out)
I don't have much else to say, other than I enjoyed this and you are a great writer. I was mostly bugged by the fancy words you threw in here and there. As I said, some of them were fine but others were just too fancy and didn't belong. You also need to work on your dialog. Say your dialog out loud and take note of where the natural pauses are. You missed a lot of commas out where you needed them.
I can't think of anything else to say. Well done and keep writing, you have skill and you seem to be naturally good at story telling. Your characters were easy to imagine and I was kept entertained throughout the entire piece. Great job
Evil
Missing punctuation after the quote.
Spot on with the alliteration! The only thing I can think though, from a poetic stand point, is that the letter "S" is not a very silent sound. Sibilant has a hiss like quality - often associated with snakes. This isn't good or bad, and I wouldn't advise removing the alliteration, but keep in mine what it suggests. Why repeat the S sound? What significance does it have? People may ask this - and the story should answer.
I find this sentence awkward. Here is an example of the structure you're using: Brushing his hair from his eyes, Emerson continued to review the story pensively.
So, the pronouns in the first phrase (who possesses the hair?) are clarified by the name in the second phrase. But in your sentence - the first phrase refers to Jeremy while the second phrase refers to the train. Might need to try something like:
Closing his eyes and listening to the "whoosh of the doors closing behind him, Jeremy [insert something profound and well written here] as the train groaned forward. Or you may just need to separate the sentences all together. As it stands, the structure is awkward.
Well, I have to say this is incredibly enjoying and I'm extremely glad I read it. I can tell you've worked on it a lot - it shows and it's magnificent. I have no complaints about the dialogue, the characters, the content, or the writing. It's beautiful and profound and philosophical. Makes me wish there was more of a market for short stories these days - it's quite good. I liked that you focused on such big themes - but they were never filled with moral high ground or commenting on the reader. Only on Jeremy - so we as readers did not feel judged or depressed about it.
I'd have to say my only complaint is the title. Tick Tock train... Hmmm Well the ticket man certainly does say tick tock a lot - he is very obsessed with time - but the story seems more about death. More about letting go, finding yourself, forgetting the past, moving on - taking the train. I feel like you could come up with a better, more poignant and accurate title. I don't have any ideas, it's your story - you could leave it as is even. But I feel like it doesn't accurately capture the important features of the story.
Best of luck. I did enjoy this very much. PM me if you have any questions.