We aren’t a rich family. We don’t have the money for a fancy condominium in Steamboat or somewhere. The year was 2001 December 19th. We were staying with our uncle in Steamboat to do some skiing. I remember that fateful day, and this is exactly how it happened.
We didn’t have the money for skiing lessons, so I had to learn things the hard way. With my mother. Mom has a little arsenal of weapons of torture, but her favorite weapon against little children is the dog leash. The dog leash is used to restrain me when I ski. She will attach it on my pants and often yell things like “Turn, Turn, Turn!!” or “Stop” and the occasional “Don’t you dare go faster!” I must say, it was the worst thing ever. I would often look back to see her snickering at my pain.
To my relief my older brother had had a big crash and his equipment was spread across the mountain. While my mother grumbled and walked off to pick up some stray goggles or ski poles that belonged to my brother, I saw my chance. My mother had unhooked me from the leash, I thought. But all wasn’t perfect, My mother had suspected me to make a brake for it and had put her body guard in front of me, my uncle stood in my way.
I gestured for him to get out of the way.
He stepped aside, winked, and said while grinning from ear to ear “Get away while you still can”.
And I did, I made a beeline and shot straight down the hill. I dodged left and right to avoid getting killed. Freedom was so sweat, the wind blew in my face, I was flying. I had no one to keep me from going the fastest I could. I looked back to see the devil her self bearing down on my heels. My mother’s hair was flying and her wicked smile told me that trouble was headed my way. I followed her eyes and saw lots of people in line for the ski lift. My mother had out witted me again. She had suspected I would run and placed a trap. I knew that the only way to survive was to bail out.
Whack, bam, smash, kaboom. The pain was excruciating. Ski poles went this way, goggles flew that way, ski bent in odd ways, and legs twisted.
I looked up to see my mother’s nostrils flaring. Her eyes were on fire, I could see the blood vessels, her teeth were bared, and her face was blood red. She grinned an evil grin and held up the dog leash. She attached it on to my pants as I tried to scramble away, but it was no use.
My uncle looked up at me with sad eyes because he knew that I was doomed for eternity. While I did my time with my mother, I was thinking and concluded that parents will always beat you, and they should.
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140,769 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy well that is certainly quite the situation to take in there. I don't believe I've ever heard of anyone being taught how to ski properly with the help of a dog leash of all things but perhaps the scariest part of the whole situation is that a dog leash being used in this particular scenario here ends up making a rather surprising amount of sense.
The title that we have on this one and this particular moment don't seem to be meshing particularly well here and honestly I'm not quite sure to what to make of this all. Its just a very sort of unique situation to be thrust into. I think you definitely do make things very intriguing though and the way this chase sequence in particular is structured is pretty solid and you really get a sense that this person absolutely must at all costs get away.
Okayyy well that's a pretty powerful ending. You still very much get the sense of primal fear there and you really can tap into that across this entire piece here, but somehow that very last line just flips everything up a little and you perhaps wonder if just maybe that's a sign of whatever evilness is at play here just winning in the last moment or perhaps if that's something with even more meaning altogether.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
HEY Dogs!
I really liked reading this but I think there were a few grammatical error and spelling error like you have written
I think you were trying to write sweet but instead you wrote sweat.
Overall I really liked it. I actually wished there was more to this. It is a really funny short story
FARZ !
Hello! If my grading is not precise, dont listen to it. I did my best!
Yeah, this sentence does not need to be changed, but I would like it to be. "to do some Skiing" just doesnt sound right to me. maybe it could be" We were staying with our uncle in Steamboat to go skiing"?
Pretty sure there should be a Semicolon between "...the hard way; with my mother." Its not right to have "With my mother" as one sentence. It doesnt make sense!
Between these two sentences should be a couple lines about a time that the character fell. You jumt from the worst thing ever, to her snickering at the pain, but we dont even know where the pain came from!
consider changint his. I think it would sound better as "To my relief, my older brother crashed; it sent his equiptment all across the mountain." Dont forget the comma after "To my relief"
This is awkward. It is a major run-on sentence. Try this: "All wasnt perfect; My mother suspected that i would make a break for it. She put her body gaurd, otherwise known as my uncle, in front of me."
This story was, in my opinion, very vauge. I think you should expand andmake it more meaningful. You have something here, of course, but you didnt use it to your full advantage. Until the last sentence, i didnt know where you were going at all!
keep working on it and PM me if you post an edited version.
~Skip
This was wonderfully cute, made me remember myself being put on a leash in big crowds, only I think the leash was actually for kids...other then my random out burst in memory lane. This story was great, it was so light, I just wanted it to continue on, to see if the little kid would get away again or whatever. I could see the kid being named Jeffrey, a kid named Jeffrey always makes me think of Dennis the Mennace. Oh I'm doing it again, sorry.
Ok my one problem is, this sentence.
I could see the blood vessels.
Now I know you probably meant the vessals in her neck popping out from her anger, but maybe other people won't get it, so you should probably be a little more specific.
Other then that, this was just delightful congrats!
I would rephrase:
"The year was 2001, on December 19th."
This is pretty obvious. If the narrator didn't remember, he couldn't tell us what happened. And we trust the narrator to tell the truth. So you can scratch this line completely.
I don't like repetition, you should rephrase it to something like:
"To my relief my older brother crashed, and his equipment was spread across the mountain."
Can't he see the difference between goggles and ski poles? Otherwise, change "or" to "and"
Typo: "outwitted"
I loved the playful use of words! This made my day, quite honestly. I'm glad you can step away from the seriousness of writing, and make your own rules!
You already used ski poles and goggles for his brother, when he had crashed. Does it run in the family? You could mention a scarf or maybe his helmet, if he was wearing one?
you can remove "blood" before "red", it was already used in the same sentence.
I would rephrase:
", but it was useless."
I loved it! Absolutely wonderful, playful, childlike playtime in form of text. I want to read more! Make it into a series of short stories, maybe different children telling different tales, I would love to read something like that! Keep it up, and let me know if you need anything!
Great story! Though I would suggest going over it again and check for grammar problems. Will the story be longer? I hope it will be, to give the child it's freedom. Or to soften the mothers heart. Hope this helps!!
Hi Dogs,
I liked your story. It was funny and kept me reading. Just a few nitpicks:
I think you meant sweet
Herself should be one word.
Is this going to be part of a longer story? Or is it just a short story? Either way, I enjoyed it. Was the mom really evil or was it just that her child perceived her that way?
~Dakota