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Sardines for lunch

by doegrl

two-hundred seventy delicate bones swallowed whole
glistening gills, silver like my rusted rings

is the fish lonely?
kidnapped from it’s tin, sleeping snuggly
with friends, lovers, a brother
now closer to you than i might ever be
exploring magenta organs, velvet upholstered crevices

you place a finger to my lips
still waiting for an afternoon
where you might be sheltered from my pointless anecdotes
or my two-hundred seventy insecurities i wait to feed to you

you dissect them, pulling fine cartilage splinters from feathery flesh
laying me out on the cutting board

i don’t go down easily

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8 Reviews

Points: 131
Reviews: 8

Tue Nov 14, 2023 5:09 am
doegrl says...

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50 Reviews

Points: 6037
Reviews: 50

Mon Nov 13, 2023 1:24 pm
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Isbah says...

Hi! I used to write poetry two years ago but have never been that good at it. I'm not great at criticisms either but I just love this. All the imagery and the metaphors, it's really unique. My favourite line is definitely the last one.

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30 Reviews

Points: 818
Reviews: 30

Mon Nov 13, 2023 12:48 am
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Fleur wrote a review...

Hi again! I just came from reviewing your first work “resisting womanhood” and I am here to review your second published poem. Again, hope I may provide helpful feedback~

Let’s start with the title, something I neglected in my first review. The title immediately grabbed my attention and made me wonder what this poem was about! I think titles can wield such a power that often goes overlooked. And as I read this poem, the title seemed fitting for the “vibe” (wow I dislike using that word but I couldn’t find a better one) of the work. So let’s get into the poem itself!

The first two lines pack a punch. Personally I tried to look up “how many bones does a sardine have” and yep, 270 bones. After a couple Google searches, I have learned that human infants also have 270 bones. While I don’t think this was intentional, it could change the meaning of the poem (if you went into that direction, but you didn’t, so I digress. The first two lines give imagery of a sardine. Then the lines that follow use imagery and action to flesh out the poem.

In stanza 2 I really enjoyed the lines,

with friends, lovers, a brother
now closer to you than I might ever be

And the imagery that follows is beautiful. From this stanza, the “conflict” is introduced and the reason for the poem comes about.

Stanza 3 is wonderfully written. Progressing the conflict and tension of the poem. The finishing line
or my two-hundred seventy insecurities i wait to feed to you

This is the tone of the poem. The narrator sees themselves as a sardine, being figuratively eaten by someone else (assuming a lover). This notion creates drama, conflict, and a tone of anger for the narrative. This tone evolves in the end of the poem.

The last 3 lines of the poem finish this “story” and the voice of the narrator becomes strong through the last line
i don’t go down easily
and finishes the poem wonderfully.

Again, another amazingly written poem. The emotions are clear, the metaphor of the bones/insecurities being something so unique, and the flow and progression of the poem is clean and precise. Your style is shown through your work and I believe this poem is just well-written. I enjoyed both your poems and hope to see more.
Much affection, Lullaby <3

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151 Reviews

Points: 39462
Reviews: 151

Mon Nov 13, 2023 12:44 am
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PKMichelle wrote a review...

Hello friend!

I saw your poem in the Green Room and figured I'd check it out, and I'm sure glad I did.

I didn't know what to expect at first, but after reading it, I was thoroughly impressed. You were able to make a poem about a fish, a fish that almost no one likes, into a beautiful piece of art, which is an amazing feat for any writer or artist.

I don't really have any criticisms to make because poetry's not really my area of expertise, but there's always room for improvement, no matter how good you are. But for now, I'd say this is pretty good!

If I had to pick my favorite part of your poem, it would definitely be the way you structured each stanza and were able to develop a really good flow in just a few short lines. I also love all of the figurative language you used and the way you decided to end the poem. It seemed to wrap it up very well.

Overall, I'd say this is a really great poem, and you did a phenomenal job putting it together. Thank you for posting it, and I'll definitely have to check out more of your work!

Anyway, goodbye for now! I hope you have a wonderful day (or night) wherever you are!

PKMichelle says...

Spoiler! :
this is a test

— Rudy (Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality)