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E - Everyone

"Too"

by dm74


What if, like everyone else in my life, 

you go away?

What if, you try to stay,

but our lives take up on a different path?

Everyone leaves eventually. 

People can only take so much.

And I'm "too."

People come and go.

People change. 

People grow apart.

If you leave I'll understand.

I'm "too."

And that's not because of you.


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451 Reviews

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Sat Mar 23, 2024 12:38 am
EllieMae wrote a review...



Time for a Black Cat Review!!



MEOW! Hello, friend! My name is Ellie and today I will be reviewing using my very own Black Cat Review Method! It is very similar to the incredible YWS S'more Method but I have Halloween-ified it and made it spooky! My little black cat friend, Vladimir, wants to offer his opinion on your amazing literary piece:

Mystical Witch Hat - What I See, Observe, and Interpret

What if, like everyone else in my life,

you go away?


I love how you start out this poem by asking a deep and emotional question. This has a very direct tone to it so far.

Everyone leaves eventually.


here you are again, being very direct. I like how you went about this poem. You do not use a lot of imagery or symbolism, rather you are very direct. This definitely sets the mood as something bein g spoken or directly thought, it feels a bit more fronted or emotionless that some of your other poetry I have read.

Vladimir’s Advice - Suggestions for Improvement

Perhaps rephrasing this sentence could be helpful?

but our lives take up on a different path?


It throws off the rhythm a little bit. You could remove the on to help it flow a bit better.

I would love to hear some more metaphors or use of symbolism, just to add an additional level of deep meaning.

Jack O’Lanterns - My Favourite Parts and Praises

I love how you described yourself as 'too'. Too much, too little, too everything. It makes me feel a lot, for sure :) Maybe you could italicize the word instead of quote it? Just a thought!

Black Cat Cuddles - Concluding Ideas and Thoughts

Love this! Have a lovely day, friend!

-Ellie

I hope you have a spook-tastical day, filled with black cat mischief!




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Thu Mar 21, 2024 5:02 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! Thanks for sharing this piece. This is an interesting way to convey the idea that the narrator feels that they are too much, whether for society, a specific group of people, or even an particular individual. The way this is set up and worded appears to use a rather unconventional approach to expressing the thought of being "too much." What I mean by that is that the language structure is not what one might expect. However, that's not to say it's necessarily wrong. Poetry is kind of just whatever the writer means it to be.

I'll leave a few small tips in this review. First of all, I'd suggest removing the comma that follows the second instance of the words, "What if," since its current placement isn't really correct or necessary in proper English. You've done well dividing up the lines of this poem, though. The format makes it pretty easy to follow, and the words are divided into segments that are significant for the idea they're conveying. However, I would suggest aiming for a little more consistency in your use of capitalization. Technically, it might not be necessary, since it appears you have in fact capitalized the first letter of each new full sentence. However, the two lines which do not start with capital letters looked a bit out of place to me. Maybe you could consider just capitalizing the first letter of each line, whether or not it begins a new sentence.

Well, I think that's pretty much all the comments I'll leave on this, but once again, thanks for sharing. If the sentiment expressed here is one you personally experience, please know that you are not alone, you are not too much, and there are people here you can reach out to if you feel the need. Take care, and keep up the good work with your writing!





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