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16+ Mature Content

An Apartment Conversation.

by djea2k

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

‘I’m sick of it, you know. I really am. I just can’t understand what I’m doing so wrong!’

Fisto’s voice was flat, as it was when the mood called up some old worries and anxieties for him to complain about, often times with no satisfaction gained other than a temporary feeling of dejected acceptance. This, however, never lasted for more than a week.

‘What’s the matter, Fisto?,’ Lucien asked as it rapidly flipped through the TV broadcast, ‘Work got you down and out again?’

Fisto sighed in response, giving off his usual apathetic air that, to Lucien, signified Fisto was going to continue on with some more of its complaining;

‘You’ve got it easy Lucien, you’re a suave one with good looks, damn good personality too; me, I mean… Look at me,’ Fisto’s finger jumped and pointed over his scraggly, withered body at several even more unappealing places, as though he were playing whack-a-mole, ‘I’m the ugliest thing you’d see in your damn nightmares!’

He paused, taking a slow and silent breath after that little outburst. ‘It’s no damn wonder I can’t get as many people possessed as you can.’

Fisto flopped back and sunk into the Damned couch, a bitter cloud hanging over its face as it idly scanned the TV, which showed its regular broadcast of torture cooking shows involving a regular scared looking Damned. Lucien smirked, letting a little snicker pop out underneath his breath.

‘What’s so funny, Lucien? Huh, Lucien? You think it’s funny I’m a loser? A demon who can’t even possess more than 100 people at once, huh? Huh? Huh!?’ Despite every successive “huh” having a little more emphasis every time Fisto said it, Lucien knew all that posturing was just a baby shaking its rattle.

‘I mean look at you, you’ve got like,’ Fisto gestured to Lucien’s entire body with an annoyed shake of a hand, ‘a nice goat tail that whips around like a new snake… and your horns, really… always so sharp, so shiny, real spot-on Grade-A demon material, probably would be one of those fellas who’d be invited right to the frontline of the Devil’s private army.’

‘Oh, you’re so flattering,’ Lucien said, pulling the eyeball key out of the Damned remote – it had gone green, looked like it was infecting the rest of the Damned’s skull, much to Lucien’s disgust – before Lucien continued in its typical expected sarcasm, ‘you really would make a lot of friends if you had a change of sight and sound these days, go out into the world and really… live it, you know? Get to know much more than just me and Buer at the office. It can get really drab, what with all the,’ Lucien threw the eye, which splatted against the opposite wall immediately, ‘Damned bodies lying around and eternal torture appointments we’ve got going on at the moment. Actually, on that note, when was the last time you went abroad?’

Fisto’s face was sour, ‘Yeah, I know the office can get really really really really drab, Lucien. It’s not like I work there or anything, it’s not like I’m whining because I hate my job there, it’s not like-’

Lucien cackled, ‘There you go again, with the whole pity party. Really, it’s a laughable one. What, tell me, do you actually do at the office? Throw trashed soul contracts around? Complain to Buer about how wriggly the Damned can get when you stick a pike through their necks?’

Lucien sighed wearily, holding its forehead in one hand, fiddling with the Damned remote in the other. The remote writhed and convulsed in pain and agony over the loss of its eye.

Fisto said nothing. It simply got up from the fleshy couch and slowly walked, with its crooked gait, to the window, its curtains closed. Fisto stood there for a couple of moments and then drew the curtain back, looking at the blazing ball of light that hung in the eternally dark sky; it was simply named “Hellfire”. 

Fisto sighed quietly. 

‘Life’s just boring as hell.’

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User avatar
32 Reviews

Points: 3138
Reviews: 32

Thu Jan 18, 2018 4:40 am
LukeStarkiller wrote a review...

I really like this piece. Endlessly inventive; in fact, I think you even cram too many jokes into under a thousand words. My advice is going to overlap with Carina's, since I agree that you should lengthen this and allow the material to "breathe." Slow down a little bit, immerse us in the world with description.

I definitely think you should expand this. I could certainly see this as the first chapter of a novel. One piece of advice, though, especially if you're lengthening this: I noticed that though you did give dialogue tags as to the tone of voice and action, you never got us into the head of one of the characters. Although it's not mandatory, I think I would be a little more attached if you gave me the thoughts and feelings of Fisto, for example, along with his dialogue.

Thoroughly entertaining, though. There's really a lot of as-yet-untapped potential in this world, and I really want a sequel or expansion! Keep it up.

User avatar
111 Reviews

Points: 6921
Reviews: 111

Tue Jan 16, 2018 3:48 am
Carina wrote a review...

Hiya, and welcome to YWS! A humor and horror short caught me eye, so I thought I'd give this a read and leave a review.

Now that was an interesting piece indeed. Although I enjoyed the interesting humor, I do think "horror" isn't quite the genre that fits with this short. Since this piece was on the shorter side, I realize it's harder to say, but perhaps humor and supernatural would best fit the piece since the demons aren't exactly choppin' people up to make them into stew, but instead having a mini-existential crisis and complaining about how boring life is.

I have a hunch that these characters are for some larger story/novel at play here. Despite being true or not, this is still a short story, so the readers don't know any background information about Lucien and Fisto. The story delves right into their conversation, but without the details outlining who they are, the reader isn't going to be engaged enough to soak in everything they're saying. The more details, the better! Start off the story by tethering the reader with details.

Which brings me to my second topic: sensory details. You can establish the link between the reader and writer by incorporating the five crucial type of details: auditory, smell, sight, taste and feel. What do the demons smell like? Is the apartment noisy? Is it clean or dirty? Are they eating something? The more the reader knows, the more they can create a mental image of what exactly is going on.

Last but not least, include character development. We delve right into a conversation between Fisto and Lucien, but we first should see who they are as a person and then watch them develop. Slow down with the dialogues, include the details, and develop the characters as the story progresses. And of course, all demon-humor is encouraged!

I hope this helps. Keep on writing!


djea2k says...

Hi to you too Carina and thanks for the review!

I appreciate the advice about details a lot. I've always felt it was something either missing from what I write or I went far too long on about it, hence why there's a lot of dialogue in this piece. And no, this wasn't really a thing I planned to expand, it was a short idea I had (what would demons living like roommates in an apartment that was in hell be like?) that I kinda just scribbled out.

I'll be sure to keep the advice in mind while writing, so thanks again.

Carina says...

No problem! The idea is pretty humorous, I gotta admit. Next up, you gotta write a scene with the demons at the office mumbling about their missing stapler and how they hate their job of managing the paperwork and finances of all the sold souls in the world.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato