z

Young Writers Society



The Gem

by dixiedo2


Chapter 1

The Gem. The most unforgiving, untrusting, and heartbroken females on the face of this Earth. Her heart is a bottomless pit. She trusts no one, no man, nor vampire, nor werewolf. You see, Gem, the name itself, can make any mythical creature, werewolf or vampire flee. She is the only known vampire and werewolf hunter, whom is a vampire herself. Her ruby red eyes, bloodstruck from drinking the blood of animals and swearing never to drink the blood of a mere human, shows no pitty for anyone out there, except for Sylvie.

Oh, Sylvie. How she misses that young girl. She was only thirteen when she saw Sylvie die tragically from a werewolf attack. Gemma, or better known as the Gem, managed to escape. But not before she saw a crazed werewolf rip the throat out of Sylvie, her little six year old cousin.

But now it’s too late to save Sylvie. Gemma thought grimly. Plus, a lot has changed since that time.

For one, now she’s a vampire.

She remembers the day so clearly that her throat still hurt from the piecing of two identical fangs.

She had been too slow. She didn’t hear the soft footsteps behind her, and that was completely her mistake.

She was out hunting last year; it was her second anniversary for slaughtering her first mythical creature, a werewolf. She went to a suspected vampire’s lair, and was studying the blood stained walls, the vampire currently wasn’t in the lair, or at least that was what she thought.

She twisted the wooden stake in her hand, and was making a little too much noise with the stake to hear the sound of footsteps behind her. What she did not know, was that the vampire, had just entered the lair.

Before she could help herself, from behind, the vampire roughly smacked her head back, making her short black hair bob slightly, exposing her neck.

The next thing she knew was the feeling of her life being drained out of her, feeling weaker, weaker, and weaker. She knew her eyes were turning from a nice Christmassy shade of green, to a horrible ruby red color, oh, joy; it’s still a Christmas color. She thought bleakly to herself.

She had to get this beast off of her, before she died! It was better turning into a vampire than dying. Well, that thought was her mistake.

Gemma thrust the wooden stake behind her aiming for the idiot vampire. She felt his teeth unlock from her neck, and felt him staggering drunkenly away. When she weakly turned back, she saw the look of horror in his dark red eyes. She spat on him, knowing that he was already half dead. There was big gray specks’ blocking her from seeing. And then, all she knew was she was lying limply there on the ground. She’d fainted.

But, she swore, right before the darkness swallowed her, she heard him scream in agony.

When she woke up, she felt her neck for any scars. It was as smooth as a marble counter. She traced her features. Her nose was even straighter, her skin seemed smooth and flawless, she traced her eyelashes, and they seemed fuller and curlier. There was no doubt about it: She was now a vampire!

She looked to her side. The vampire she killed however many hours, or even days, ago was still there. He looked almost like liquid. He was limp, with his ashy blond hair sprayed out like a waterfall over his face. His dark red eyes were wide open, and it looked as if he had no bones. Like any other vampire she killed before looked.

He had her sharply ended wooden stake sticking out of his chest. All of the sudden, she felt an ache in her hollow throat. Its bloodlust, the new part of her mind was thinking, you need to drink a mammal’s blood.

“Oh, no, I’m not drinking human blood that’s for sure!” she said aloud, startling herself.

You don’t have to! Drink an animal’s blood, like a deer’s! Her vampire instincts were saying.

But, no matter how many vampires and werewolves she had slaughtered, she had never ever even thought of killing a poor little deer!

She knew what she had to do. She smoothly took the wooden stake out of the dead vampire’s chest. She placed the stake inches away from her quickly beating heart, and closed her eyes tightly; she swore she felt her pulse in her eyelids.

She had to kill herself.

Suddenly, her hands fell. She couldn’t do it! I didn’t have the guts to do it, she told herself wryly.

From then on, she swore to herself 3 things.

One: She shall only feast on the blood of animals.

Two: she would get revenge for what this vampire did to her.

And three: She would cure herself; turn her back into a human, no matter what it took.

But, that was just one thing that was now different, the other, was that now, she didn’t trust anyone. And she didn’t let anyone trust her. It was sort of a law to her. Trust comes with death, in her ruby eyes.

Gemma sighed. It was 5:00 am. The time she had to hunt for food.

Ever since Gemma was turned into a vampire, she never returned home. There had been amber-alerts for her, there had been pictures on milk cartons, her name was all over TV, and police had searched, along with her parents searching, endlessly for day in and days out. After about nine months, they gave up, assuming she was dead. And that nine month mark, was three months ago. A year since she had been turned into a vampire. Not exactly an anniversary Gemma was fond of.

Gemma had been staying in a little shack in the middle of the woods. There was everything she needed out there in the woods. Whenever she went vampire or werewolf hunting, she just went either to the outskirts of town, deep in the forests (where she obviously lived), to underground tunnels, or even abandoned homes and buildings that had graffiti all over them.

Gemma groaned and, knowing that she’d have to quench her bloodlust sooner or later, stumbled out of her shack into the forest, which was more alive with creatures now, just before the break of dawn, than ever.

She decided to be lazy, her vampire eyes could see from a mile away if it was a large opening, but this, was obviously, a forest. Since she couldn’t use her sight to hunt, she used the sense of smell.

She sniffed twice. There was something with moving warm blood behind her. She turned to face it. Behind two trees that were spaced oddly far apart, was a small doe.

She sighed. She loved all animals. Just before she was changed into a vampire she was going to get a puppy, no matter now much it resembled a werewolf. She liked dogs, just not big smelly werewolves.

But now, getting a puppy seemed as dangerous as a human jumping off the Empire State Building.

She couldn’t risk that puppy, even if it the puppy happened to be a Great Dane.

Gemma threw herself forward, so quickly that the doe didn’t have a chance to run, until it was too late.

She silently apologized to the deer, and as gently as she could be, she bit into its neck.

But, no matter how gently Gemma could be, there was no escaping death for this poor doe.

As the sweet liquid ran down her aching throat, she was crying as she always did. She petted the deer, and hoped that soon she wouldn’t have to do this everyday.

Gemma had been searching for the cure of vampirism ever since she was turned into one.

And, you see, it wasn’t exactly easy to find the cure because most of the population on Earth are human, and they, except for the occasional vampire hunter, have no clue that vampires aren’t fiction creatures, no matter how much Gemma wished they could be.

Gemma had gone to Puerto Rico, to a small village made up of humans who believed in vampires, and thought they had a cure. She had bought the cure off of them, it cost an arm and a leg, don’t ask how she got the money, she’d rather stay out of jail, but it turned out to be a hoax, and lucky them they had a No Money Back sign, in Spanish of course. And she would never want to hurt a human, no matter how annoying and infuriating they were.

As the last life light went out of the poor little doe’s eyes, Gemma stifled another sigh, and left the deer to be, the other animals would pick off of it, she knew.

She looked over to her shack.

It wasn’t much. Seriously, it wasn’t.

It was in-between two giant oak trees that were perfectly spaced apart. If a hiker came this far, which Gemma would doubt a hiker would be that crazy, then they would see a small shack made out of wood, ironic isn’t it? The wood was blacking out near the edges and the middle, so it looked as if it would be unused and abandoned. There would be no suspicions about it.

Gemma had found this little shack while escaping from her home. She ran as fast as she could through the forest, not really paying attention, just trying to get away before she could be tempted by the blood of humans.

She almost ran into the shack, but thankfully, she didn’t. And even though it was so old and dirty, she thought it was a perfect hide out to get away from other people, mythical creatures included.

Every morning at dawn Gemma would go out to the nearest fast food restaurant, which happened to be a McDonald’s, to get a newspaper, she needed to know if there was anything in the news that might have to do with 1) suspicious vampire activity, or 2) suspicious werewolf activity.

Gemma ran westward, the way to the McDonald’s. Gemma did not need any money. The newspapers that she got were free, for only her. You see, her vampire strength allows her to bend things, and then bend them back into place, without breaking a sweat.

As Gemma always did, she waited for any humans that were outside of the McDonald’s to drive away. People on the inside were safe from her, and from seeing her ruby red eyes. Maybe since she already fed, she wouldn’t have that much of a craving for their blood. She shook her head, denying the right of that thought.

Gemma waited for a man in a police man outfit to get into his car.

After he drove away, Gemma walked as fast as she could, without making it look suspicious to the people inside.

When she got to the newspapers, she bent the handle of the plastic machine, making the newspapers accessible.

She grabbed a local newspaper out of the bin, and then bent the plastic back into shape.

She strolled to the eastern edge of the parking lot, where there was the beginning of the forest.

When she got out of sight, she ran back to her shack.

More toddlers and young children missing!

As of Wednesday of last week, children from all over the area have gone missing. 5 year old Gillian Matthews, 3 year old Steven Floyd, 7 year old Alicia Days, and 4 year old Alexander Avery have all gone missing. Police have no leads on where these children are, but they have been looking ever since Wednesday afternoon.

Said the newspaper.

Hmmm, that’s strange. I’ll have to keep my eye on this. Who knows, it could be a crazed human? Or, it could be a feast for leeches or puppies, or even both.

Anyway, Gemma had some serious business to do. Vampire and werewolf hunting. Each day, she’d mix it up, one day she’d go vampire hunting, and then the next hunt werewolves. Well, if she stumbled upon a werewolf on a vampire hunting day, and vice versa, it was her treat. Yesterday she went hunting for werewolves, so today she’d go hunting for vampires.

Gemma, now The Gem, put on her hunting outfit. It was complete with a black t-shirt, with a black coat that drops to the floor, fighting-style pants, black tennis-shoes, and a black head-spin to wrap around everything but her eyes and mouth. She stuck a wooden sword in her holder that was snugly fit around her waist and a silver sword (in case any puppies want to play) on the other side of the holder.

She was ready to fight.

Today, she would head to the abandoned homes on the outskirts of town. The last time she went there, she got that eerie feeling that only vampires carry around with them, well them and serial killers.

When she got to the abandoned homes, she inspected the outside of them. They were made of bricks that were stacked one on top of the other and glued together. A few of the bricks were missing, and some of the windows were cracked open, giving The Gem chills up and down her spin. But these weren’t chills of fear; these were chills of excitement, the abandoned homes were even better than she remembered! There was no doubt that a vampire would try to reside in one of these! She picked the one furthest to her right. She kicked the already cracked door in, sending dust and dirt flying up to her face, but she fought the urge to cough, if she coughed, that would send her off guard, and in this business, if you are off-guard……then you’re dead.

Just as soon as that thought came, she heard a swift movement to the left side of her. Her left hand flew to her holder where her wooden stake laid, and she pulled it out, making no sound at all. She heard another swift movement, this time behind her. She turned to face it, but saw nothing, she edged closer to where she heard the movements…..By the time she got to the newly cracked-open door, she realized there was nothing there, so she turned back to face the inside.

A vampire was standing right in front of her blocking her way. The vampire was a girl, and she was smiling mock-sweetly. She had silky brown hair falling in slight waves down past her shoulders, and her red colored eyes were burning. Her smile slightly wavered when she saw what Gemma was wearing, but the smile was back as suddenly, as if it had never left. She was about the same height as Gemma, and was wearing a black jumpsuit which showed up very black against her pale white and flawless skin. She looked like a miniature, and evil, version of a Jessica Alba, but Gemma had known better than to take this sweet looking vampire as actually being sweet.

“Hi, care for a tour?” The vampire purred sarcastically and looked Gemma up then down once more.

“No, I’ve seen enough.” Gemma sneered and then, using her hips, she thrust the wooden stake into the midriff of the vampire.

The vampire gasped and then weakly cried out in agony.

The light in the vampire’s red eyes had vanished and Gemma smiled triumphantly. It was always a pleasure to slay vampires and werewolves. But, it was even more of a pleasure to be with her family. Whom she devastatingly missed. Gemma shook her head as if to clear away the thought. She didn’t want to think about what mom or dad would say…….Eagan would probably punch her in the nose for leaving. Eagan was only a year older than Gemma. He was her pain-in-the-neck brother, whom she loved dearly. The thought of letting any vampire, even herself, get close to him, or in fact any other human, made Gemma sick. If only humans could know………

Gemma put the bloody stake back into its holder. Since vampire ears could hear much better, if any other vampires were hiding out here, they’d probably heard Gemma and that other vampire, whom didn’t really put up a fight, which Gemma was always in the mood for, and they had probably left to tell some vampire officials, or they were most likely scared of Gemma, who killed every vampire that came across her. Gemma looked around outside. It was sunrise, and it looked beautiful. The yellows mixed with the blues, not quite creating a green color, but sort of turquoise.

Gemma was alert as she simply checked the other abandoned homes. But, she got no more eerie feeling only vampires could have. She only felt depressed. Maybe it was this little stretch of battered and broken abandoned homes that made the tears sting her eyes. But, she knew better. She had to deal with this tear issue for the past year of her life. Gemma knew what she had to do now. She had to slay more vampires, maybe throw in a werewolf or two. It would take her mind off of things. Besides those creatures have no right to live. Killing innocent humans, taking away lives for no good reason, what was up with that?

But are you any better? A nearly-crazy part of her mind was asking.

Of course I’m better and I know it! Gemma mentally yelled at that thought.

The thought would have shrugged away if it could, but it was a thought, thoughts can’t do that.

Gemma decided to hunt for vampires in Hollow Trees. Hollow Trees was a miniscule park on the outside of town that was jack full of vampires and werewolves that go unnoticed. They just lived in the middle of the little forest there, with enough humans to feed on while they were taking pictures of the wildlife. They could easily be mistaken as homeless people, because if you look at vampire’s eyes when you’re human and far away from them, they only look like a sharp brown. But when you got closer……

The werewolves were a whole different story. All the werewolves looked the same, and carried the same feeling around with them. The vampires carry an eerie feeling with them, but the werewolves carry a dark aura around with them. Even humans could tell. They all had dark brown eyes, russet skin, and dark brown hair. The looks come with being a werewolf, whether you like it or not.

The werewolves and vampires didn’t know that Gemma knew about their little hideout, they thought they had it all planned out, to hide it from her, but she knew. Oh, she most definitely knew. She was just waiting for the right time to use it against the werewolves and vampires so she could surprise them and catch them off-guard, all though she didn’t really need them off-guard to kill them, it came very easy to her. And that day to surprise them, seemed to be today, before even one tear escaped her, she had to kill. She knew that all her innocence was lost after her first slay….and she didn’t care. She had got rid of all those ooey-gooey feelings when she was first starting in this business. Of course she loved her family, but what was the point of loving them anymore, she knew that they wouldn’t accept her for what she was. Heck, Gemma didn’t even accept herself.

She was a vampire, for God’s sake. Who would ever want that?

When Gemma got to Hollow Trees, it was closed. Usually Hollow Trees didn’t open until noon on Sundays, so it was her treat. Gemma used to go to Hollow Trees all the time when she didn’t know about vampires or werewolves. Her mother used to take pictures of all the flowers and the butterflies, and now, Hollow Trees looks even prettier with Gemma’s new vampire eyes.

But, she knew that behind the beauty of it, vampires and werewolves were lurking around, waiting, simply waiting, for a lone human admiring the wildlife to drain them from their blood, or even chomp them up. Gemma had to put a stop to it, and now.

Gemma edged closer to the begin of the small forest there. The trees were all Christmas Trees, even though it was now August.

Gemma was smiling now in her shack. She had slaughtered about 5 vampires, and 2 werewolves, at Hollow Trees. The vampires were stupid enough not to know that Gemma was actually The Gem, and the werewolves, well let’s just say they aren’t the smartest of creatures. Well, it had been a long day already, but it was just noon. It was an overcast day, very gloomy, but Gemma didn’t let that make her miserable. She had to deal with the loss of everything, and she had to fight it. There was no other choice. All of those feelings that others have would make her weaker. And no way did The Gem want to be a weakling. Heck, if she was a weakling, what would be the point of calling herself The Gem? The best, and strongest, vampire hunter out there. Who is not weak!

Gemma decided to look for some vampire cures. She’d try anything. From something a supposed witch would create, to some crazy vampire doctor, who isn’t actually a vampire, just tries different things to cure vampires. Gemma suspected he didn’t tell his wife about his business. It’s just not something you’d tell someone like that. Gemma had gone to the vampire doctor, who lives about an hour away from her, about 20 times. He enjoyed testing out cures on her. They never worked, but it was worth trying. So, she’d go there today. Hopefully he had something good up his sleeves.

It was a really long run. But, it didn’t tire out Gemma. Gemma could run 1,000 miles and still have enough breath to win in a fight. It came with vampirism. Something she loved, because it made it easier to slay vampires, and hated, because hello! She was a vampire!

Gemma rang the vampire doctor’s doorbell. It took him about 10 seconds to answer; it looked as if he had to run to get it. The place was tiny. It wasn’t where he lived, but it looked as if it could be his house. Gemma must have been his only customer, because no matter how many times she had been there, she never even saw one other vampire in his place.

Dr. Manning was tall and slight fellow. He had wickedly tilted eyes, which are a shade in between blue and brown, and silky brunette hair. When he saw Gemma, he smiled.

“Hi Dr. Manning, have anything new?” she asked him politely.

He knew she was on the good side (the side against vampires) because he had spoken to her a lot. They even got to be acquaintances, not friends. Friends are people who trusted each other. Which Gemma did not trust anyone.

“Yes indeed I do, Gemma, come on in.” he gestured for her to come in.

Gemma almost smiled. But, she couldn’t make herself, she smiled herself out today.

Gemma sat down on a papered cot. The room was filled with all different types of potions and chemicals, some Gemma had seen before, others new.

The walls were black. It gave the room a sort of mysterious taste to it.

“Ok, I have two different supposed cures.” He said to Gemma, “One that you drink that one hurt at all, one that I inject in you with a splinter that might hurt just a tad.” He said, “Want to try both?” he raised his eyebrows at her as she decided.

“Yes, better do both, and thank you.” She decided.

Dr. Manning waved away the thank you and got two vials off of one of his shelves. One was clear blue, the other blood red. Gemma didn’t have to guess what was in the red container because right when he picked it up, involuntarily Gemma’s mouth watered and her fangs sharpened.

But, knowing Gemma, Dr. Manning only used animal blood.

Dr. Manning put both the blood and the other chemical into a glass bowl and started mixing the two together with a silver spoon. He got out an orange bottle from his pocket and crushed the 2 white tablets that were inside of it and put it in the bowl also.

Gemma was kicking her legs while sitting on the cot, staring off into space while the doctor put the potion into a needle with a splinter point. Gemma was used to those types of needles. Dr. Manning used them on her all the time. Dr. Manning flicked the end of the needle twice, still smiling to himself absently. As always, before he put the needle into her, he explained what it was.

“As I think you already know, the red stuff is blood, I got the blood from a cow. And the blue stuff is water from the Gulf of Mexico mixed with a crushed up Advil. I think this one will work well. And if it doesn’t, it shouldn’t mess up your body at all.”

Gemma nodded her head, approving.

Doctor manning tilted Gemma’s head back to expose her white neck. He injected it right into the jugular.

Gemma felt a sharp sting. Like the sting of a bee. Gemma refused to show her weakness and gasp, though. She simply held her breath.

After about 10 seconds of dealing with the stinging pain, it stopped, and she realized he had taken the needle out of her.

“How long should this take, do you think?” she asked after a minute.

“I don’t know, but it shouldn’t be more than 20 minutes, so just relax, we’ll see what happens.” He put the needle down and then clapped his hands and rubbed them together as if he were cold. “Shall we speak of recent slays?” he asked.

Every time Gem ma visited him, she would talk about the interesting killings she had done, or even tell him about places she might, go, what to look out for, and what’s suspicious.

Gemma shrugged; “If you want…..” she trailed off.

He nodded his head.

“Ok, well today I went to Hollow Trees, they were jack full of vampires, and even a few werewolves were there today.” she absently tapped her fingers together, “I killed, say 5 vampires and 2 werewolves.”

Dr. Manning raised his eyebrows impressed, “You don’t say?” he asked, sounding like a old man, but he looked barely in his late 30s.

She nodded her head making her short black hair fly up then down, up then down.

“Wow,” he admired, “Just, wow.” He said, looking off into the distance.

“Oh, yeah, have you heard about the abductions of the children near here?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he sucked in a sharp breath while shaking his head, “How many are missing?”

“The last I heard about 4.” She said, “Keep an eye on that, I think it might have something to do with vampires or werewolves.”

“Definitely,” he said.

Gemma went on for the next twenty minutes telling him all about her past days with hunting vampires. He seemed intrigued. But, by the time the twenty minutes was up, he shook his head doubtfully.

“It didn’t work.” He sighed.

Gemma didn’t say I’m sorry, but she would have if she was still human, and at that, a human that wasn’t a vampire hunter, but sadly, she was neither. Instead, she just solemnly nodded her head. Her red eyes saddened, as always.

“But, nonetheless, I do have another trick up my sleeve.” He smiled.

Gemma sighed, “Give it to me, Doc.”

Doctor Manning nodded and went over to a different shelf, this one filled with bottles of some more red stuff that Gemma didn’t notice before. She could smell the sweet enticing smell of it, which smelled sweeter compared to her usual deer or moose, that she was instantly drawn to, and she knew exactly what it was.

“Human blood?” Gemma gasped.

“My own,” he shrugged, “No harm done, though.” He held up his right wrist where there was a Band-Aid on it.

Gemma looked at him sideways, “But, why?” she asked, this was the one that she’d have to drink, she didn’t even want to think, about it, but she had to ask.

“I think that it would make more sense to use human blood, seeing that we’re trying to turn you back into a human.” He said.

Gemma could only nod her head.

“Don’t worry; the taste of the blood will be died out by the others.”

Gemma sighed, knowing almost subconsciously that whatever this doctor did, probably wouldn’t work, but she had to try. Not just for Sylvie, but for her own honor. She couldn’t be seen walking around as a vampire. Although really the only ones who would see her would be the few humans (and odd ones at that) who think they have a cure for vampirism, and the vampires and werewolves, who died not long after they got a pretty good look at her.

Of course, the second diagnosis did not work. The only thing it did to her was make her want more of that sweet, sweet, and nasty human blood that she swore she’d never drink. Well, it was a 1 time thing, and it was for another promise that needed to be kept.

It was now time that Gemma should sleep, being 9:30. She had spent the rest of the day after the Doctors roaming around the forests close to her house searching for any vampires or werewolves that knew her whereabouts. She found none though.

Gemma sat down on her metal-folding chair next to her cot, (yeah really no reason to put a chair near her cot, but she did it anyway, for the luxury, ironic, huh?)

Gemma sighed tiredly, rising from the chair to take off her shoes and lie down on the bed. (No covers, so much for the luxury.) She looked up at the ceiling of her shack without really processing what she was seeing.

She was thinking of her family again. Stupid her. She should have realized by now that thinking of them wouldn’t make them suddenly appear in her shack, but she still couldn’t help herself.

In her mind she saw her family there before she was a vampire. It was a family photo from when she was only 15. She had starting hunting then, she remembered, a light, almost seeable, smile crossed her features. She was standing next to Eagan. Eagan’s hair was dark brown, almost black, and she remembered how mad he got whenever people said his hair was really black. His eyes were a startling silver-blue color that seemed to move as you looked at them. His mouth was curved into a smirk, he never really actually smiled unless he was happy out of his mind, or with his girlfriend Sadie, whom Gemma wasn’t sure was still his girlfriend. He was short. Even though Gemma was a whole year younger than him, she was still about the same height as him, maybe an inch or two taller. But Eagan always would deny that Gemma was taller, and would stand on his tip-toes, looking mad. Gemma would have always grinned at that. In the picture in her mind, she also saw her mother, with her elf-like features. She was petite and had a round face that made her look like a child. But, as Gemma recalled, she was 43. She had twisting and curling; striking red hair that was very long. Her eyes were identical to Gemma’s when she was a human, too; a Christmassy shade of green. Her full lips were parted only slightly so that when she smiled you saw only one row of her dazzling white teeth.

And there next to her, with an arm around her small waist, was Gemma’s father. He had dark hair, black like Gemma’s, which would show up blue in the right lights. His eyes were a dark chocolate brown, and he was tall, as was his daughter, unlike his son. Gemma would have sniggered if she wasn’t devastated with missing them. She knew, but was very humble about it, that they missed her back.

And, down on the ground in that mental picture was a 15-year-old Gemma. She was smiling widely showing her white teeth. Her pale skin showed up ever more pale against the black of her hair, which was slightly longer back then, and her dark and spiky eyelashes. Her eyes were just as startling as her mother’s. A Christmassy green, she used to love her eyes, but now that they were ruby red, because of being a vampire, she absolutely hated them! It just wasn’t fair. Why her out of the billions of people out there? Why Sylvie out of the billions of 6-year-olds out there? Why her family out of the billions of families out there? But that’s exactly who she’s trying to save. The billions of other people out there in danger by the vampire and werewolf existence. It has to end, and soon.

Gemma sighed and then rolled on her side and stared at the far corner of her room where she lay in fetal position for a whole day after turning into a vampire. Some very dark days had happened in the past year. She didn’t want to think of it any longer. She shut her eyes and tried to relax on her cot. Right before she fell asleep she let a single tear escape her guard, and only one tear.

Gemma awoke to the sound of leaves rustling outside. Her ruby red eyes flew open and she stood up from her cot, making the least amount of noise as possible. She grabbed her wooden stake and her silver knife from beside her bed; she was getting a dark aura and an eerie feeling. That wasn’t a good sign. She faintly wondered if the vampires and werewolves suddenly found out where she lived, and were hunting her down, but that was absolutely insane! She killed any parasite or puppy (werewolf slam, of course she would never hurt an actual puppy!) who got even remotely close to tracking her down, let alone the ones that didn’t even mess with her. Who could slip past her guard, other than that one little tear? Nothing was the answer, absolutely nothing.


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Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:10 am
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...



Firstly, this post is WAY too long.

Cut it down to at most a third. People don't want to be bogged down in a person's story for longer than 10 minutes.

Secondly, welcome to YWS. Have you read the rules about posting? One story post to three reviews.

You've already posted two stories and haven't reviewed any. That's bad sportsmanship.

Thirdly, the concept for this story isn't bad, but the writing is.

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Chapter 1

The Gem **(The Gem? Why "the Gem"?)**. The most unforgiving, untrusting **(isn't a word)**, and heartbroken females **(females, or female?)** on the face of this Earth. Her heart is a bottomless pit. She trusts no one **(you have already said she is untrusting)**, no man, nor vampire, nor werewolf. You see, Gem, the name itself, can make any mythical creature, werewolf or vampire flee. She is the only known vampire and werewolf hunter, whom is a vampire herself. Her ruby red eyes, bloodstruck **(bloodshot)** from drinking the blood of animals and swearing never to drink the blood of a mere human **(why would this cause her eyes to be bloodshot?)**, shows no pitty **(pity)** for anyone out there, except for Sylvie.

Oh, Sylvie. How she misses that young girl. She was only thirteen when she saw Sylvie die tragically from a werewolf attack. Gemma, or better known as the Gem, managed to escape. But not before she saw a crazed werewolf rip the throat out of Sylvie, her little six year old cousin.

But now it’s too late to save Sylvie. Gemma thought grimly **(Of course it's too late. . . Unless Sylvie provides an important plot feature, you could probably cut it out totally. It seems a bit unnecessary)**. Plus, a lot has changed since that time.

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I'm so sorry, but I have to stop here.

It's not often that I give up on a story, but this one is truly terrible in many ways.

Sentence structure is horrific - you have around twice as much, maybe in three times as much commas than necessary, and you place words that should be elsewhere in the sentence at the end.

A few questions:

1) Why would a werewolf bother attacking her cousin? Just - why?!
2) Why didn't anyone else see it?
3) Why didn't "The Gem" report this murder to the police after it happened?
4) Why refer to Gemma's family so much? It just bogs down the story.
5) Why didn't Gemma offer up herself/one of the werewolves/vampires she killed to the police/government as proof that vampires/werewolves existed?
6) How can she walk around in the sunlight?
7) Why would some water from Mexico, cows blood and a pain pill cure vampirism?
8) AGAAAGRHAGAH this story is so terrible that I just can't risk asking any more questions before my head asplodes!!!
8.5) Have you forgotten that vampires die in the sun? Why is she waltzing around during the day?

Listen.

I know I've been harsh.

But seriously.

Go out to your local library.

Rent out a book.

Read it.

And then compare it to your own.

I have to give you credit for using proper grammar, punctuation, and style, but other than that, this story is painful to read and ridiculously cliched.

This story needs a serious rehaul. I don't know if you were trying to be funny or not, but every little attempted joke fell flat.

Your descriptions weren't bad, but they weren't brilliant either.

There is still hope. Read every sentence out loud to yourself and see if it:
1) Is nessassary to the story
2) Makes sense
3) Is written as well as a published book
4) Is worth reading/if anyone besides you would like to read it/would like it

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Okay, I know you're young. And I applaud you for writing. Don't give it up just because I said a few nasty things about your work.

I think you should read up more about the dynamics of story writing, and perhaps join a storybook to get a better feeling of how other people write.

Don't despair.

I'm sure you'll get better.

PM me if you have any questions/would like to abuse me.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

- Jai





I think that was when I began to realize that reputation isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina