Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Okayy...so this seems like its trying to talk about a group of homeless folks that are just about surviving and potentially trying to move on from some sort of tragedy judging by the title...but it looks like it does need a bit of work here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Just about everyone in this group has nowhere to be. They have nothing in this world to own. Well, physically. Many are children, and it's saddening to see their bodies suffering in the intense heat of summer-- while others roam indoors, taking all they have for granted.
Okay...well, quite a bit of a sad atmosphere to start things off on, looks like we're discussing a group of homeless folks perhaps and it appears that the majority of the group that's mentioned here just so happens to be children...and well, that's certainly the kind of start that gets your attention right away here.
Yes, we do this. We do not always know about the homeless, especially children. There's ads, of course, but who knows where your money is going when you don't know the people. In fact, who knows where it's going when you give something to a tired stranger on the side of the road with a cardboard sign asking for a job or something to eat.
"Shaialee.." a pretty name, one of the younger girls in the group. She's four, and she's a child of those naming trends in the last 5 years.
Alright, well this is an interesting observation there to include, you do kind of ask yourself the question exactly what that particular question is meant to be right there...so its a little bit off but for the most part it is looking like its continuing in the general vein of that first paragraph. The part comes after though, while I realize its meant to be something different with the italics, it kind of feels a bit like a random detour there.
I glance over at the source of the voice to see it is her mother. Also young, being 16 maybe. She looks about 20, 25?. No one bothers to ask any age. We pride ourselves in living our life without watching a clock tick, or wondering when it is our time tomeet the gone.
Alright, so at that point, it looks like we finally have a bit more of a connection between paragraphs here. This one certainly also brings up a very interesting point of how this whole group appears to be mostly young people...and the members seem to try and avoid talking of ages.
"Mama, I don't want to go to sleep. It's too hot." she complains to the tired woman, whois braiding June's hair. June is 10, and quite a sight. Beautiful in many ways, and friendly. Her braided hair is a natural, soft shade of black, and her eyes a pure amber color, as if she were a cat. This wouldn't seem so strange if June had a change of complexion. She has darker skin.
"Too late." Sadee takes Shaialee quickly and wanders tba
Okay...well that kind of ends abruptly there...I feel like perhaps this part was also trying to tell us something but it all just doesn't quite seem connected enough for it to quite get across a meaning here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, the flow of this piece isn't great. You need to rethink a few things here before this can be as good a first chapter as it can be here. At any rate, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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