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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hello
There was a lot to like about this poem. You not only mentioned your emotions but you expanded on them by drawing a connection between what you feel and the fields which you describe. "The fields are empty" is one of my favorite lines here.
I think that the biggest issue with this poem is your punctuation and where you chose to break off and start new lines. I think that for a poem containing this subject matter and tone, it's probably in your best interest to make your lines a little bit longer. Also, unless there would be punctuation between lines, don't put it there. For example, if you were writing this phrase without line breaks, you would not say "And the thorns do prick, my bare feet." If it does not belong in the phrase, do not add punctuation just to end the line. On the contrary, if you want the poem to flow better, an omission of the comma would be better "And the thorns do prick / my bare feet". Write your poem exactly as you would like someone to read it.
I encourage you to expand on this poem. It has the potential to be something very, very good. Maybe you should expand on the imagery and the feeling, as Silented1 said before me. This way, you could make the poem long enough to create stanza breaks, which would also make the reading of this poem much easier.
Otherwise, keep up the great writing!
-Alex
I see in your beginning three lines that you are trying to set up an image, and you're doing well for a basic job, but be more descriptive and try to cue the reader with every idea such as:
The fields are empty inbetween the overgrown patches of grass. Where the cuffs of my pants are cought on thorns, as my bare feet press into the ground, sending my soul with the ripples of wind between the grass, I search for you, like sonar.
Try to connect and have your ideas build together, be aware of words with concrete and perspective value. Phrases like good times are perspective and have emotional value, while thorns and grass have concrete and connective value. Look at every word that can represent a lot of different things, like colours, face, beautiful, dreams, mind.
You mentioned a lot about color, so try to wrap that into your idea so i get an emotional connection, the thorns you mentioned earlier can be good for this, bring in a more distinctive color, such as red, and cut the character on the thorns. Try to have everything related to eachother, as well as exspanding on previous ideas.
Poetry can be a lot like a spider's web, it's call gotta connect, it has to catch the reader, the emotion can be the spider's venom, or the lack of visability of the web. However you want to consider it, try to make your imagery more specific, because as readers we, or at least I, have no clue on how to picture 90% of this poem, and more importantly how to relate to it, other than the vaguely presented idea of Missing someone. Make it personal if you have to, and describe every reason why you miss them, what that missing causes you to do, what you think or learn from that doing.
Best of luck, pm with questions,
silented1