Hello
There was a lot to like about this poem. You not only mentioned your emotions but you expanded on them by drawing a connection between what you feel and the fields which you describe. "The fields are empty" is one of my favorite lines here.
I think that the biggest issue with this poem is your punctuation and where you chose to break off and start new lines. I think that for a poem containing this subject matter and tone, it's probably in your best interest to make your lines a little bit longer. Also, unless there would be punctuation between lines, don't put it there. For example, if you were writing this phrase without line breaks, you would not say "And the thorns do prick, my bare feet." If it does not belong in the phrase, do not add punctuation just to end the line. On the contrary, if you want the poem to flow better, an omission of the comma would be better "And the thorns do prick / my bare feet". Write your poem exactly as you would like someone to read it.
I encourage you to expand on this poem. It has the potential to be something very, very good. Maybe you should expand on the imagery and the feeling, as Silented1 said before me. This way, you could make the poem long enough to create stanza breaks, which would also make the reading of this poem much easier.
Otherwise, keep up the great writing!
-Alex
Points: 1019
Reviews: 15
Donate