Unexpected Love chapter 3

Okay, I'm not sure that I have read the second chapter, but I'll go ahead and give this a shot.

“Leah, your mom is dead worried about you” I said.

You need to put a comma after you, but before the "

“I know” she looked down.

Same here, its some dialogue grammar rule.

“why don’t you eat” I said, giving her the plate Sue gave me.

Okay, do the same thing here and capitilize your W.

“Nah, not hungry” she whispered.

Okay I think you know what I am about to say, This rule applies to all. So I won't point it out anymore.

“Leah, we are werewolves, we are always hungry”

Okay, I know how Jacob talks, plus everyone uses contractions now. Change we are to we're.

“you are right” she said after a minute.

Instead of putting you are put you're. Capitilize the Y

It’s going to take a long time before I’m able to think the way Leah does, she was in a much better place than I am.

“It’s funny, just, you were the last person I thought I would talk to, you are so immature in some ways Jake, but so mature in others, I’m just…..glad, it’s you I can talk to” she didn’t look at me at all when she was saying that, and, for some odd reason, I agreed with her, I’m glad it’s Leah the one I talked to, the one she talked to.

That last sentance sounds akward. You might want to rephase it.

What?, Leah wanted to do something, with me.

You don't need that comma after what. It should be:
What? Leah wanted....

“go to your house, get changed and I’ll see you in an hour ‘kay?” she smiled.


“uhmm.. sure, I’ll pick you up”.

Please CAPITILIZE YOUR SENTANCES!!!

“sup Jacob?” said Quil.

Capitilize.

“

What?” yelled Quil “you are going out with Leah!”.

major grammar needs to be worked on. Donr put a . after the "
Capitilize the Y.

“yeah, just to have fun”

Umm yeah, capitilize.

“I can’t believe you are going out on a date with her"

Put a period agter her.

“It’s not a date!!” I yelled.

Use only one !

“Shut up!, it’s not a date, I would never go out with her, I’m in love with someone else” I said.

Dont put the comma afer ! Capitilize the It's.

Okay since I am short on time I will stop here. You need some major work on grammar and punctuation. Also you need to do more showing instead of telling. Vary you sentance structure. I think you need to develop you characters more.

This is very interesting. I always wanted Jacob to end up with Leah, but oh well... Please keep writing and good luck. Give Jacob his happily ever after. And make your characters sound human, use contractions, when you can.

“So, what do you want to talk about Jake?” asked Leah. I think Leah's supposed to be upset, but her tone here sounds like she's open for a conversation, inviting and evrything. Maybe you'd wanna change her tone? Or describe the tone she uses to ask Jacob. I noticed throughout the whole story, your asking verbs were quite limited, perhaps you should use different words or adverbs to give extra flavour

“Leah, your mom is dead worried about you” I said.


“I know” she looked down. She looked down in remorse? Hanging her head in shame? Or maybe even trying to avoid Jacob's eyes?

“Why don’t you eat” I said, giving her the plate Sue gave me. Erm, you reused the root word 'give'. Maybe replace with, "giving her the plate Sue had passed to me." or vice versa?

“Nah, not hungry” she whispered.


“Leah, we are werewolves, we are always hungry” HAHA. I liked this sentence! Good observation of the werwolves' behaviour

“you are right” she said after a minute.


“Here” I said handing her the plate.


“So, have you talked to Sam or Emily?” I felt so stupid asking that question, I already knew the answer.


“Yeah” she sighed.


“What?” I asked shocked.


“I talked to Emily, she apologized about everything, again, but she told me it wasn’t her fault nor Sam’s” she stopped for a minute “I know she is right, and I told her she didn’t have to apologize for anything, it was all me, I knew that it was coming you know?, I knew they would have a family, but not so soon”.


“I know exactly what you mean” I said.


“Anyway, I just needed to be alone, I mean, I still love Sam, but I know he would never love me that way again, and I was getting over him, but, it was just another shock, Emily’s pregnancy, I just have to get my head settlesettled down again”.


“Yeah, I wish I could think that way” I confessed.


It’s going to take a long time before I’m able to think the way Leah does, she was in a much better place than I am.


She giggled.


“What?” I asked.


“It’s funny, just, you were the last person I thought I would talk to, you are so immature in some ways Jake, but so mature in others, I’m just…..glad, it’s you I can talk to” she didn’t look at me at all when she was saying that, and, for some odd reason, I agreed with her, I’m glad it’s Leah the one I talked to, the one she talked to.


“Let’s do something tonight” she smiled enthusiastically.


What?,no comma Leah wanted to do something, with me.


I blinked.


“Oh c´mon Jake, it’s just one night, we could go somewhere, forget about everything, to a club or something, what do you think?”


I didn’t sound so bad, plus, now that Leah and I were getting closer, this could actually be a fun night.Wow. I know Jake has been getting closer, but it sounds kinda...creepy. Haha, but maybe thats just me.

“Well, what the hell, why not?Instead of this awkward sentence, how about using Jacob's signature "Sure, sure"?” I said. “Let’s take my car”


She smiled widely.


“go to your house, get changed and I’ll see you in an hour ‘kay?” she smiled.


“uhmm.. sure, I’ll pick you up”.


Why did we have to get dressed?



When I got Billy home I ran upstairs to get ready for tonight. Uhh....how did Billy get in the picture and what's his significance?


“Supadd a comma? Jacob?” said Quil.


“What are you doing here?” I asked a little harsh, but I really had no time.


“We just wanted to visit, what are you doing?” asked Embry.


“What are you doing with all that clothes?” asked Quil.


“I’m going out tonight” I told them.


“Wow, on a date? Who with?” asked Embry.


“Not on a date, I’m going to a club with Leah”.


They didn’t say anything for a minute.


“What?” yelled Quil “you are going out with Leah!”.


“yeah, just to have fun”


“I can’t believe you are going out on a date with her”


“It’s not a date!!” I yelled.


“Well sounds like one, it’s only the two of you, going out to a club, and you are getting all dressed up…”


“Shut up!, it’s not a date, I would never go out with her, I’m in love with someone else” I said.


“Whatever…anyways, what are you going to wear?” asked Embry.


“not sure, just a pair of jeans and white shirt, I think”


“kay” said Quil “at what time are you supposed to meet her?”


“In about 20 minutes”.


“Ha. And you say it’s not a date” laughed Embry.


“Shut up man!”.


They both laughed.


They spent fifteen minute teasing me, laughing, and every time they talked about a date, it sounded more like one, was I really going on a date with Leah?.


No. I was sure it wasn’t, she loves Sam, and I love Bella, and I could never imagine myself with her, though lately she looked different, beautiful in a way, like the old Leah, before the whole werewolf thing.


Five minutes later, I was at the back of Sue’s house, I didn’t want to cause any trouble, so I thought it would be better to keep it quiet.


I stayed in the car while I waited for her, knowing for sure that I didn’t have to tell her I was here, she already knew.


She could hear me.


“Where are you going?” asked Seth.


“Out, don’t tell mom, I will be here in a couple of hours”


“Is that Jake outside? You are going out with him!”


“Shhh, keep it down Seth!, yes it’s Jacob, we are going out” she said.


“What! You are going on a date with him!”


“It’s not a date, anyways, just don’t tell mom ‘kay, cover for me” she said as I heard footsteps approaching.


When she got out of the house, I was shocked, she was so beautiful, a black short dress that made her body look amazing, she had high heels. Her hair rested lightly on her shoulders, straight, her lips were glowing and, as she came closer, I was able to smell an awesome scent coming from her, like flowers.


She was one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Her eyes were glowing, big, rounded, incredibly beautiful.


“Hi” I said.


“Hey” she smiled.


“Uhmm, you look awesome” I said.


“thanks, you too, you ready?” she asked.


“Yep, let’s go to Sydney”


I took off, trying to concentrate on the road rather than on Leah’s body.


“I’m really excited about tonight” she said.


“Yeah, me too”


Keep your eyes on the road.


“I know this really cool club we could go too”.


“Sounds cool” I said.


Keep your eyes on the freaking road!


“have you ever been to one?, they are amazing, we are going to have so much fun!”


Okay, so maybe I could just look at her for a little bit, just so I get used to her awesome body and amazing face.


I turned around.


Shoot, big mistake.


She smiled, it knocked the breath out of me, and then her lips, glorious lips, started moving, she was talking, saying something, but I wasn’t listening, it was like anything else existed, only her.

Leah.


I felt a sudden urge to silent her with my lips, to touch her beautiful face, what was going on with me?, wasn’t I in love with someone else?


But I just couldn’t think of it, just of Leah. I was sure we were going to have an awesome night.

Okay, I'll admit, I wasn't 110% thorough, but I'd rather not risk misguiding you with incorrect information, haha
But I liked your plot very, very much.
The thing you could improve on is:
- Be more descriptive
Your verbs have a tendency to be the same, like 'asked'
Use a wide range of vocabulary.
- You should describe more actions.
Mostly I infer what they did and felt through conversation.
Maybe you should describe what they did and not only spoke.
Your character protrayal is quite accurate,
But I was shocked Leah was a smiley at Jacob
And when Quil and Embry teased Jake, he just denied it, though angrily
Werewolves still have to control their temper,
And sometimes they end up fighting, even though they're not really serious.
Oh yeah, watch out for your caps. Sometimes the start of your sentences aren't in uppercase.
You get a gold star!

~Still trying to wrap my head around the "Jacob & Leah" idea, especially when Jake imprints on another~