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Young Writers Society



Jane meets Seth

by dianis97


So, here it is, Jane and Seth meet. It isn't a big deal tough, hope you guys like it!!

Chapter 3

On Monday, James and I got ready to go to school, tough I didn’t want to because I hadn’t gone hunting and I was dying of thirst, James promised me that after school we would go hunting, so I agreed.

My first class that day was English literature, which I loved, Mr. McMaster was about to start talking about classic novels.

That day, I sat as far as I could from the rest of the class, I didn’t want anything to happen if one of my classmates got too close.

“Good Morning class” said Mr. McMaster when we all sat down “today we are going to start a project about the classic novels, the project consist on..”

“Sorry” said Mrs. Anderson, the secretary, when she entered the room “I just wanted to tell everyone that there’s a new boy coming soon, anytime this class, so please be kind to him and Mr. McMaster it would be good if you could introduce him, he comes from Ireland”

“Sure Mrs. Anderson” he smiled.

She nodded and left the class.

“As I was saying” started Mr. McMaster “The project is going to be about the novels of a great novelist William Shakespeare”

Suddenly the weirdest thing happened, I was able to smell a scent like no other, it was sweet, like chocolate, I also heard incredibly fast heartbeats, like no human would able to have, it would kill any being, the footsteps were also different, they were really loud and hard, whoever was approaching the room had to be tall and strong.

So weird.

As Mr. McMaster continued talking, I could hear the heartbeats becoming louder and louder, the scent stronger and my anxiety increasing.

Then, someone knocked the door, I knew it was him.

“Oh, that must be our new student” said with excitement Mr. McMaster.

When he opened the door, his sweet scent invaded the room, his heartbeats were all I could hear and his two big hazel eyes, all I could see.

“You must be the new student” smiled Mr. McMaster.

“Yes” he answered, his voice made me shiver, it was like nothing I heard before, it showed a great amount of braveness, it was strong, but somehow, like his scent, sweet.

He was tall and tanned, he had dark brown hair, almost black, his body was perfect, he had muscles all over his body, but they looked good and the two first undone buttons of his shirt showed his chest, which made all the girls in the room sigh.

He wasn’t human, I knew for sure, he didn’t smell like a human, his heartbeats were completely different and he didn’t look like a human. But he wasn’t a vampire either.

“Mrs. Anderson told me you come from Ireland is that right?” asked Mr. McMaster

“Yes” he said

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Seth Barton”

After I heard that name, I was petrified.

Seth Barton?, the werewolf?

But he could’t be, he smelled nothing like a werewolf, he couldn’t be one. I should be dying to kill him, dying to attack him. I waited for the anger to invade me, for the monster to come out.

But It didn’t.

“Welcome Seth, we were just talking about the project we are about to start, please sit down”

There was only one seat left, and it was in front of me. I took a deep breath and looked down at my notebook.

As he walked towards the seat, I looked up, and there he was, staring at me with his big hazel eyes, full of curiosity, not anger.

“As I was saying, the project is going to be about Shakespeare’s novels” started Mr. McMaster after Seth sat down “I’ll give every couple a novel and you will have to analyze it, the characters, the problems, the way they lived in that time, everything about the story, and then, you’ll act your favorite part of the book and tell us why it is your choice. I already have the couples ready, please come here when I call your names and I’ll give you the novel I have chosen for you”

Then, he started calling the students and I couldn’t take my eyes off Seth, he was a Barton, the family I most feared in the whole world and I was sitting just some inches away from me.

“Jane Pangbourn” called Mr. McMaster and the second he said my name, Seth’s body tensed. “I’m afraid I was going to let you work alone as you always do, but as we have another student I thought you both could work together, so please Jane, Seth come here and I’ll give you your novel”

Calm down Jane, that was the only think I could think of, the Bartons moved to London, one of them is in my class, is my English partner and I don’t feel the need to attack him. But, what if he does?

Shoot, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.


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Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:11 am
Esmé wrote a review...



Dianis97,

Hello, hope you’re well! Onward with your crit, then.


Quote:
On Monday, James and I got ready to go to school, tough I didn’t want to because I hadn’t gone hunting and I was dying of thirst, James promised me that after school we would go hunting, so I agreed.

“tough” = “though”. But this is a very long sentence, and very run-on. My advice would be to split it, e.g. (just a suggestion): On Monday, James and I got ready to go to school. I didn’t really want to, since I hadn’t gone hunting and was dying of thirst, but James promised that we’d go after, and so I agreed.


Quote:
My first class that day was English literature, which I loved, Mr. McMaster was about to start talking about classic novels.

Same problem as above. Second comma a period.


Quote:
“Good Morning class” said Mr. McMaster when we all sat down “today we are going to start a project about the classic novels, the project consist on..”

Comma after “class”. Dialogue punctuation. After “down” a period, and then capitalize “today”? (Will talk more of punctuation later).


Quote:
“Sorry,” said Mrs. Anderson, the secretary, when she entered the room. “I just wanted to tell everyone that there’s a new boy coming soon. Please be kind to him, and Mr. McMaster - it would be good if you could introduce him. He‘s from Ireland.”


Quote:
“Sure Mrs. Anderson,” he said, smiling.


Quote:
As I was saying,” started Mr. McMaster, “the project is going to be about the novels of a great novelist William Shakespeare”


Quote:
Suddenly the weirdest thing happened, I was able to smell a scent like no other, it was sweet, like chocolate, I also heard incredibly fast heartbeats, like no human would able to have, it would kill any being, the footsteps were also different, they were really loud and hard, whoever was approaching the room had to be tall and strong.

You’ll do this one yourself.


Quote:
Then, someone knocked the door. I knew it was him.


Quote:
“Oh, that must be our new student,” Mr. McMaster said with excitement.


Quote:
When he opened the door, his sweet scent invaded the room. His heartbeats were all I could hear and his two big hazel eyes all I could see.


Quote:
“You must be the new student.” Mr. McMaster smiled .


Quote:
“Yes” he answered, his voice made me shiver, it was like nothing I heard before, it showed a great amount of braveness, it was strong, but somehow, like his scent, sweet.

“Yes” and then a comma. The rest you do.


The rest will be similar, so I’m stopping here.


***

-> run-on sentences. Those were a big problem. You had too many commas in your sentences, and too little linking words. In those cases, I advised splitting the sentences in question.

-> Shakespeare. I always associated him with plays and as a playwright - as such he’s more popular. Hmm.

-> dialogue punctuation.

“I like cats,” said Alice.
“Do I like cats?” asked Alice.
“I like cats!” shouted Alice.
“I like cats.” Alice turned around.


-> pseudo-Twilight? Interesting, very interesting.


Any other questions? PM me!


Cheers,
Esme





I’ll marry the finest banana in the galaxy for you.
— Tuckster