Dianis97,
Hello, hope you’re well! Onward with your crit, then.
Quote:
On Monday, James and I got ready to go to school, tough I didn’t want to because I hadn’t gone hunting and I was dying of thirst, James promised me that after school we would go hunting, so I agreed.
“tough” = “though”. But this is a very long sentence, and very run-on. My advice would be to split it, e.g. (just a suggestion): On Monday, James and I got ready to go to school. I didn’t really want to, since I hadn’t gone hunting and was dying of thirst, but James promised that we’d go after, and so I agreed.
Quote:
My first class that day was English literature, which I loved, Mr. McMaster was about to start talking about classic novels.
Same problem as above. Second comma a period.
Quote:
“Good Morning class” said Mr. McMaster when we all sat down “today we are going to start a project about the classic novels, the project consist on..”
Comma after “class”. Dialogue punctuation. After “down” a period, and then capitalize “today”? (Will talk more of punctuation later).
Quote:
“Sorry,” said Mrs. Anderson, the secretary, when she entered the room. “I just wanted to tell everyone that there’s a new boy coming soon. Please be kind to him, and Mr. McMaster - it would be good if you could introduce him. He‘s from Ireland.”
Quote:
“Sure Mrs. Anderson,” he said, smiling.
Quote:
As I was saying,” started Mr. McMaster, “the project is going to be about the novels of a great novelist William Shakespeare”
Quote:
Suddenly the weirdest thing happened, I was able to smell a scent like no other, it was sweet, like chocolate, I also heard incredibly fast heartbeats, like no human would able to have, it would kill any being, the footsteps were also different, they were really loud and hard, whoever was approaching the room had to be tall and strong.
You’ll do this one yourself.
Quote:
Then, someone knocked the door. I knew it was him.
Quote:
“Oh, that must be our new student,” Mr. McMaster said with excitement.
Quote:
When he opened the door, his sweet scent invaded the room. His heartbeats were all I could hear and his two big hazel eyes all I could see.
Quote:
“You must be the new student.” Mr. McMaster smiled .
Quote:
“Yes” he answered, his voice made me shiver, it was like nothing I heard before, it showed a great amount of braveness, it was strong, but somehow, like his scent, sweet.
“Yes” and then a comma. The rest you do.
The rest will be similar, so I’m stopping here.
***
-> run-on sentences. Those were a big problem. You had too many commas in your sentences, and too little linking words. In those cases, I advised splitting the sentences in question.
-> Shakespeare. I always associated him with plays and as a playwright - as such he’s more popular. Hmm.
-> dialogue punctuation.
“I like cats,” said Alice.
“Do I like cats?” asked Alice.
“I like cats!” shouted Alice.
“I like cats.” Alice turned around.
-> pseudo-Twilight? Interesting, very interesting.
Any other questions? PM me!
Cheers,
Esme
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