Introduction:twenty-two years ago, the kyshimoto clan was wiped out by the snake village's most dangerous jonin ninja to destroy the clan and the clan's main ninja:micha kyshimoto and his wife used a jutsu that killed the ninjas and themselves, leaving their two kids:leshae kyshimoto and kai kyshimoto alone in the cold and dead battleground. fifteen years later,the two are ninjas-in- trainning and learning the grive of the one who killed their parents but her brother,kai is being protective of his sister but the unexpective begins.....
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130,003 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...so that one reads a bit like a blurb of sorts there, not quite an introduction there...but well, that's just a technicality there, so let's move right past that one, and to the actual content that we've got ourselves on this one here which does appear to be quite interesting.
Soo...the whole ninja situation sounds like it does have quite a bit of worldbuilding behind it..which is a surprising amount of detail to be getting conveyed in something that is quite this small, but it does manage to bring across a good amount of backstory there and sort of inform us of the general stakes of what's going on here so we get a sense of why everyone is going to be doing what they're doing in the story.
All in all, I'd say this one manages to get across quite a bit of information, and either as an introduction or a blurb it could actually do a pretty good job here. It definitely managed to get me to be interested in this here story...aaand well, it does sound like something that I'd be reading here.
Aand before I do sign off, I do have to mention that nothing is capitalized here, I dunno if that's intentional cause it looks like some sort of glitch there...but well, I did want to point that one out here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there!
barefootrunner to review. Welcome to YWS! I hope you really enjoy your time here and get to grow as a writer.
Since your piece is so short, I'll paste it here and just put in the grammar changes.
'Twenty-two years ago, the Kyshimoto clan was wiped out by the snake village's most dangerous Jonin ninja, who came to destroy the clan and their strongest ninja, Micha Kyshimoto. Micha and his wife used a jutsu that killed all the ninjas and themselves, leaving their two children, Leshae and Kai Kyshimoto parentless on the cold, dead battleground. Fifteen years later, the two are ninjas-in-training and learning the gift of the one who killed their parents. Kai tries to always protect his sister but soon the unexpected happens...'
Okay, so my main points:
- We don't use colons that often in writing. Check out the functions of the comma more carefully and use it to add in extra information instead of the colon.
- Use a spell checker! It is the most useful piece of software on a computer!
- Explain all these strange terms! For anyone not acquainted with the art of the ninja, it is entirely confusing to hear talk of a 'jutsu' and 'jonin' etc. So use some descriptions.
- Check out basic grammar like capitalization and spaces.
- Read lots of fiction to help you with the grammar and spelling! Analyze the sentences like you would analyze a poem. It really helps!
Good job! I look forward to seeing more of you on YWS!
barefootrunner
Hey, DL! YWS is awesome isn't it?
Okay...friendly advice: check your capitalization. I already read your first chapter before you joined, but I'm still going to review and leave comments. I'm not all that into fanfiction, but still, you've got a pretty good imagination up there.
Post more so I'll have something to read when I have free time. I'll be looking for your work.