Published October 5, 2009
I wish I had time to expand on this or think of a better title. Also it's super short but it's a school night and my mother wants to cull out my brains so here, total suckage, Meagan, you can punch me in the kidneys tomorrow.
The comet blacked out the sky in oranges and snapping flames, close enough to lick the highest peak of Mt. Everest or Taipei 101. It bathed everything in a hot tangerine glow and sunburned some of the fair-skinned people right there on the spot.
Everybody in the world looked up at one moment, necks craned, mouths open in surprise. Maybe somewhere in the far recesses of the earth there was a group of people who had the foresight to predict this, who were barricaded in their basement with rolls upon rolls of toilet paper and canned peaches thinking they were safe. But everybody else was looking up.
Inside the Silver Creek Costco was Kathleen Ngo, who still held the price gun in one hand trained on a jumbo pack of tube socks. Everybody had gone still all of a sudden and Kathleen wondered what was going on, if it was like that one time that guy had thought a check out boy had made off with his credit card and chased him into the PetCo. next door.
And in the parking lot there was Bill Collins whose cart was full of chicken and exercise programs and frozen dinners for one. He felt sweaty under his armpits, stains running down the insides of his shirt. More so from the heat than any sort of nervousness. He didn't really think anything at all: just wondered if this meant his mother would finally get off his back about getting married.
Joan Parrish was standing several people away. The bangles on her arms quivered from the vibrations and she felt somebody at her right reach out and grasp her hand but she shook them off. Just because it was the end of the world didn't mean that everything was a Disney movie now. If people wanted to hold hands and sing "Kumbaya" in a big circle, she was not getting involved. She thought, very briefly, about her husband who'd checked out of their marriage a long time ago and the children who resented her. But they weren't worth her last fleeting brain waves so instead she thought about her cat, Adeline.
Then the comet swallowed the earth, and it didn't even burp.
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that seems to be a rather large comet there, definitely creates a rather beautiful sight from the looks of it. Given the title it doesn't necessarily seem like its going to remain that way for very long and it looks like the beginning of one of those natural disasters on a scale so grand its beautiful in the most terrifying of ways and I think you capture the beauty at least pretty well here in the opening.
Okayy this is interesting. The way these descriptions are done I genuinely can't tell if you're trying to create a sense of people just panicking and doing the most outlandish things or if this is instead meant to show that people are just living a normal day despite this comet. That's probably just me but I thought I would point it out here. Either of the ways works pretty well in its own way to instill some fear in us for what's to come, but they are almost opposites of each other.
Well that seems to confirm the outlandish theory to some degree given there is some advance warning from these dangerous vibrations. I think ultimately we don't end up feeling the spectacle of such an event too much which feels like a bit of a let down given the title and the opening, but I do love the little note of humor you have right at the end in this person's final moments. So overall this is a solid piece with a few memorable moments, but it needs a little something more, especially towards the end for it truly have some power here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It thought this was very well written, though a tad short. The main problem is that you start talking about a woman, and then the world ends. There's really no time to get to know her, and there were probably more interesting people if you were just going to choose one. Still, could be improved to be quite a decent story. I really like your writing style though.
Frickin hilarious xD Haha good work for such a short piece^^ Not much to critique on, sorry!
Thanks so much! I thought of grabbing people all over the world but I was afraid it would be a little gimmicky. I'll go ahead and edit it.
Hey, so. ^^
This was actually quite funny, for less than 250 words. I liked the Disney movie joke, and the woman thinking of her cat. However, beyond that I can't give you much advice.
Neck = necks, first of all, and you can eliminate that second 'up'.
I thought that the Wal-Mart khakis meant she worked for Wal-Mart and that was her uniform, but you said she was unemployed. So perhaps say, 'khakis from Wal-Mart' or something for clarification.
Right now, you follow Joan Parish for a paragraph or two. I think the only possible way for you to make this into a more developed short story would to continue with this approach-- grab random people all over the world, catching their last moments. And maybe you could end with the scientist who's been predicting this all alone, but nobody believed him/her. You have a funny little idea, with funny little lines, but it won't actually work unless you make it into a funny little story. Or, actually, more like a collection of last moments. ^^ A plumber, the Queen of England, a Croatian fisherman, a little girl playing with Barbies-- anything.
So, quirky start, and I hope you decide to develop the idea a bit more! ^^ PM me for anything.
~Evi
You are freaking hilarious. I want to read your collection of essays; i'd pobably spoil myself from the hilarity.
Except you don't have a collection of essays. You just have a pocket of mediocre genius.
And that's not worth much these days.
"It bathed everything in a hot fire light"
This is confusing, though I get what you mean.
It could be
"hot, fiery light"
or
"hot fire-light"
which is waaaay cooler
or
"white-hot fire-light"
or
"hot-fire light"
which is a little redundant; I mean, fire is always hot.
So continuar with your hi-larious hi-larity.
And you rock.
By the way, you didn't observe the 2:1 critique ratio.
BOOOOO
and it should be
"necks"
not neck.
So there.