Rellenong Pusit
The cook was stirring some vegetables in a large pan, when he turned to his left to deal with the cephalopod that was to be prepared. To his distress, he discovered a bowl with nothing in it. He began to frantically dart his eyes around the room, but alas, only found disappointment. He lowered the heat on the stove and searched in a panicked frenzy, then began to look anywhere he could perceive as a possible hiding place. He took care in checking every tiny corner in the room, and he most certainly climbed onto the counters to check on top of each shelf. As his search continued, he began ripping out drawers and flinging open cabinets.
He still found nothing.
His anger was brimming like furious bubbles in a boiling pot, causing him to take hold of a large knife and continue his hunt for the dirty mollusk. And then: the pan that was on the stove cried out with a loud clang. The cook froze in place and his head turned at almost a precise 180° rotation; what crawled up the wall put a gigantic smirk on his face. His body followed suit and he began gently tiptoeing, his eyes intensely following the creature that was slowly scaling great height of the wall. He pulled his hand back into position, and steadied his aim. The knife flew from his fingers with such force that it landed easily in the wall, pinning the unfortunate beast and ending its life instantaneously.
With that same grin, the cook jerked the blade from the wall and triumphantly whispered, “It squidn’t have to be this way.”
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
*cue fake laughter*
It's so mais lol
Hmm... I smell something Filipino in YWS. >.> <.<
Anyways, I see you're new here! Well, welcome to the wonderful and diverse site that is YWS~ Please forgive me for my reviewing skills; this is my first time reviewing in months.
I don't really write flash fiction, nor do I frequently read them, but I have read a few. This will be my perspective as a general reader of your work.
You have a knack with words. I admire your way with imagery and the way you presented the cook as this quirky and humorous individual. We don't even know his name or other things about him besides the fact that he is a chef, and yet I felt truly invested in the story and the hunt to find the pusit/squid. Like rohan, I loved the third paragraph the most. It was a short yet powerful build up that would eventually lead to that last line.
The pun, despite being a bit corny, was delightful and added to this clever and eccentric story. Its corniness may have also contributed greatly to add in that comedic punch.
I honestly couldn't find any nitpicks. Maybe I'm too rusty. Maybe there wasn't really anything to point out. Although, if I could give you any form of advice, it's that you should write more and more. I know it's already typical, but you do have a writing style that, when refined more, could be better. Experiment in other genres, perhaps even try other forms of prose. Go crazy. I'm sure there's something wilder than a chef hunting for missing squid.
As always,
happy writing~
Hey destinybeal it's me again!
Before I begin let me tell you I am laughing my ass off as I am typing this.
It's a short one and frankly, after three reads I do not find anything that bothers me enough to make a point of. So let us go through the paragraphs and what I felt when I first read them.
The beginning is decent enough. It generates enough interest that I am a little eager to see what is going on in the kitchen. The cook finds that the squid is missing and he's frantically looking for it all over the place. So far so good. Of course, he doesn't find it right away. Where's the fun in that?
You shine in the third paragraph. The descriptions were elegant and the remarkable choice of words kept me on the edge of my seat after he heard the clang and went for the shot. The description in those couple of lines was exceptionally well.
Did I say you shone in the third paragraph? You killed it with the last line. Because if you build up a vividly described scene and take me through a journey only for the sake of saying a stupid pun, you're a winner in my eyes.
-rohan
Thanks a lot! It seems like you really enjoyed it, and that makes me glad! This is def. one of my more polished pieces, and I'm glad the work I put into it has paid off. Woo!