Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
she wanted to be free. so she drank, she painted, she meditated. she did what everyone else did when they wanted to be free. but it wasn’t her. she couldn’t become the person who could drink or do drugs or become a health freak. she saw others who were lost but found something to keep them present. but she didn’t know how. she wasn’t like James, James used to be so smart, so kind, so brilliant until he lost himself in depression. He took to weed and cheap vodka which has now succumbed him.
she knew James was bad for her, she knew that he took her back to her darker side. the side that could die if she tried hard enough. somehow it felt as if he was helping her heal byunderstanding her, but he would just makeher worse.
they went through fazes. Annie and James. they were so predictable they both knew exactly what would happen. they start speaking again, just a friendly message. he suggests songs, she listens and listens and listens until her soul if full of the words and notes and chords. they ask how each other are, which always leads to one of them (usually Annie) telling the other how bad life was, how sick they were of it. the other (usually James) wouldn't respond with the usual 'it'll be okay, im always here'. no, they actually helped and supported each other. they didn’t try to make each other happy with the usual word and phrases because they understood each other so deeply they didn’t need too. Every day they would check on each other, and the one suffering would drag the other down into darkness until they were together and alone surrounded by black. that’s how they would fall for each other. because they felt alone and the other was their only consolidation. he would ask to meet, she would say yes but know that she didn’t mean it. Although she had fallen for him she was scared because he was darkness in a different way she was. she fell into the darkness for brief periods and would always find her way back to the light. but he stayed in the darkness like it was his home, his palace, and that terrified her. so she wouldn’t meet him and he would get angry causing her to become sad and instead of blackness she felt blue and cold, they then give up on each other. leaving the other for up to months until the cycle would begin again.
this is the story of Annie and James.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well, this was interesting...its got a few issues, I will say that right outta the gate, but it certainly has a lot of promise, well let's dive down into all of these then.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...okay, not gonna lie that this is a tiny bit all over the pace here at the very beginning. I feel like this perhaps needs to be sorted out just a tiny bit more before its a bit more coherent as a story, but on the other hand, this certainly is a pretty intriguing start. It looks like this is someone going through a pretty tough time and James is perhaps another person she knows that is also suffering from a similar tough time but has now falling into depression and perhaps given up where she hasn't...well at any rate, let's see what happens next.
Okay, well that is certainly a pretty interesting sounding plotline there, these two appear to be friends somehow and perhaps James is slowly bringing Annie down to being as depressed as he is or at least is giving into whatever this darkness here is...and well Annie knows that's bad but still is stopping somehow. Well it certainly is intriguing.
Okay....well this sounds almost like an ominous slightly more detailed than usual synopsis or perhaps even some kind of premise or plot summary judging by that. It seems a little unrelated to the first paragraph and appears to almost be something else entirely, and also seems to be able to stand alone really, considering all the information its giving there. I don't really think that fits too well in a first part but of course there is the chance this is perhaps the narrator of something, it feels like perhaps this could be something a narrator might say. But otherwise...this is certainly a little detached from the first part of things, and doesn't quite seem fitting for a first chapter..but...it really does sounds like it would make for a very intriguing story. I certainly would read it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, it does the job of getting your attention and making you wanna read more, especially cause this appears to really be quite an intriguing story...but, it does need a little bit more work before this as a piece flows together properly and feels like a proper first part here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! This is Leslie and I am reviewing your work for Review Day!
First off, you should capitalize the first word in every sentence. Be a little more detailed. Describe the characters more. Tell us more about their personality, appearances and be more descriptive on their emotions. We want to get to know about the characters! That's what every reader wants. They want to be connected to the characters.
Also, add a little dialogue to the story. The piece was a bit rushed. Try to slow it down a little bit. Make the story a little bit longer. Honestly, I don't like when stories are super short, but I don't like super long ones, either.
I hope that what I said didn't offend you. This is just my opinion. The last advice that I want to give you is to look back on your work and edit the errors. Hope this helped. Have a great day and keep writing!
This is Yams here for a review on review day!
The first thing I noticed is the lack of punctuation/ or grammar errors. You start off with a lot of "So's" and "But's" in the beginning of your sentences in the beginning. You could use stronger words to start off sentences instead of just using "so" or "but" since they're primarily used for connecting sentences/conjunctions.
Next off, you're just telling us everything. You're telling us that she painted and telling us that she drank and not actually really showing anything and everything is in the passive voice. It's frustrating that you're just telling us the whole story instead of showing us the main character's life, where you can add in description and other details. I suggest that you slow the pacing down so we the readers get to know the story better and in more depth.
http://www.englishpage.com/verbpage/activepassive.html (I'm going to drop this little helpful link here so you can figure out what I mean if you don't know what the active or passive voice is.)
A way of showing us this information and putting this into a story-- is that you could start with her day to day life. Show her schedule of doing art, drinking, meditating, all that. Trying to escape but there is no escape. You could even make her draw him when she draws, when she tries to draw a person but it always resembles him? Or when she meditates her thoughts go back to him again.
Instead of quickly telling us this and just "bam ending", you could space it out day by day, I know it sounds hard to try and slow your pace down, but you could make it more intimate and we'd get to hear dialogue and get to know the characters more. Have them listening to music with each other one day, or just talking.
To be honest this seems less like a short story and more like a bunch of notes/ideas that could be turned into an interesting novel.
There were no actual events is where I'm getting at. Nothing happened and nothing changed to the reader. It felt like you were telling us information.
I hope this helped!
You should go back and change the parts in the story and make the letters after the periods capital. For example you typed they start speaking again, just a friendly message. he suggests songs, she listens and listens and listens until her soul if full of the words and notes and chords. they ask how each other are, which always leads to one of them (usually Annie) telling the other how bad life was, how sick they were of it. But besides that it was really good to read and you should continue making stories for people and help inspire them.