Young Writers Society

Hey Desmerize!

I must say I quite enjoyed this. And even though you're theme is serious, I chuckled at the end. Why? Because of your structure. It gives such power to the poem. I only disliked the 'Brightens'. I believe italics would do better than Caps there.

On the theme, I liked it. It was somewhat mysterious, and passionate. You executed the saying 'Don't show, feel' saying very well. There's also that part with 'downward' and 'spiral', because at first I read it to be 'downwards', with the s of spiral. And did you mean to make it 'from' on the first line? I think 'form' would sound better.

Other than that, very well =D *clicks like thingy* Keep on the good work!
- Kat

Hey, treehugger and Jas,

I am glad you both like it.

To jas-- I will consider changing the word "warm" and I will surely revised " eyes rolled back". I used yellow fonts for "drained" because I associated yellow with sickness. The color yellow can symbolize energy, sickness or weakness. I more chose yellow cause it reminded me of jaundice which causes one's skin to appear yellowish in color.

I will consider revising, and I do thank you for your advice.

Thank you for taking time to read my poem.

Hi,

I love your structure and how you use different colours and fonts to mirror what you're saying.

I'd change "warm" because it's hardly going to be cold heat from flames! Maybe try something more fresh. I'd also change "eyes rolled back" as it's a little stale.

I love "gets your brain hooked
you’re seeing galaxies
BRIGHTENS…dims
now blackness prevails",
the imagery is great and the structure and playing with font and colour works nicely.

I'd make "drained" darker, maybe grey or brown as the yellow suggests energy.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Interesting poem you've got here. Well, I don't venture into poetry often so I don't think I should critique or anything. But I really think that this is great stuff! (^^)