The Love for the Lost

Hey desired,

This was a limited poem. Each line is a recycled line we've all heard before from the heartbroken, and probably utterred a few times ourself. But it wasn't expansive or different or new enough to make anybody sit up and think "Wow." Also, if the narrator can't remember the last time they saw the object of their love, why can they remember their smell, how they felt, etc.? That seems pretty weird. In fact, the first line doesn't make a lot of sense considering the rest of what you say.

The irregular rhyming scheme is off-putting too. Right now you have: ABBCCDEE. There's no pattern and it's arbitrary.

This would be an okay note to give to someone, but as a poem, it's severely hindered by it's immobility, repetition and staleness.

It was a sweet short poem, but I didn't really understand what it was about. The second and the third line didn't really have much rhythm and were kind of 'jumpy.' I didn't get the second to last line really. But I love your rhyming. Well done (:

Wow thank you all so much I totally get what you guys are talking about... and yes I WAS a lovesick teen and I thought this was good allwell though! Thank you guys!

desiredanime25 wrote:I don't remember the last time I saw you
But I remember how I felt
And I remember how you smelt
I remember every touch
And oh, how I loved you so much
I could talk about you all day
I said things I'll always regret
But the the feelings we shared I'll never forget

I agree with Pet Rock. Take the time to really examine your emotions. Because so far, what you have said could be found on a Hallmark greeting card (albeit in the special occasion section).

Understand that your poem is speaking to
1) people who don't know you, so we don't know your special circumstances.
2) in the case of those who have already experienced this, people who have likely already had these thoughts themselves, so reading this is nothing unique to them
3) people who have already read A LOT of other poems today, yesterday, and days before on this website, on other websites, and among our friends that have already said this exact same thing.

So take the time to really examine your emotions and think about what makes you tick and what makes your mind and emotions unique. Illustrate this with images, concepts, and ideas that are new to us (and possibly new to you, too). Experiment with words and phrases that you haven't seen in a million sad, lost love songs before.

Also, don't worry about the rhyme. Rhyming is a tool you use, not one that uses you. Don't let rhyming dictate how you should say things or what order your words should go in. Until you're good enough to rhyme naturally, it will only hold you back from what you really want to say.

Just imagine if you were having an argument with a friend. But you restricted yourself to speaking only in alliteration.
"But, Bob, beyond the believable, you--uhh---busted my butt for betting Betty's boots in Baltimore! I'm blemished and bruised by your bias!"

It'll make you hesitate, stutter, and choose your emotions based on what your rules dictate, not based on what you actually feel.

That's what forced rhyming can do to a poem.

Keep your chin up and keep picking apart your life with well-used words. It's a swell experience.

Hiya desiredanime25. I liked this. I just found two spots in need of tweaking.

desiredanime25 wrote: And I remember how you smelt

And oh, how I loved you so much

Hi there! Welcome to YWS! I'm LittlePetRock, but feel free to call me LPR.

Hmm... well. This poem needs a bit of work. You tried to hard to rhyme, wich takes a toll on the quality of the poem. It lacks rythym and feeling, it's also without imagery.
Another nit-pick... This poem is way to much of a hopelessly romantic, sappy, "ooey-gooey" poem, written by a lovesick teenager. Which, don't get me wrong, but there is way to much of these in the world of poetry.

Keep on writing!
~LPR