Whats next?

by deo

What’s next?

A new thought process
‘click’. A new window appears
Thought visualised

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
perdido
Review
perdido wrote a review · Mon Apr 18, 2011 1:30 pm

agree with the above. Haikus are generally considered to be an 'easy' form but actually they are tricky simply because they are short. In a short poem like a haiku, you have to make sure that every word, every syllable is absolutely essential. If they aren't, then you're in trouble. As far as haikus go, this isn't particularly strong but it's not bad.

Also, the repetition of the word thought is not good. But that's already been mentioned.

User avatar
inkwell
Review
inkwell wrote a review · Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:53 am

"A new thought process
‘click’. A new window appears
Thought visualised"

I love this line. This poem, however, suffers from a lack of punctuation. Corrections/suggestions in red.

What’s #FF0000 ">Next?

A new thought process #FF0000 ">-
#FF0000 ">click. A new window appears#FF0000 ">.
Thought #FF0000 ">visualized.


The repetition of the word "thought" comes off as robotic, and I would recommend using a different word.



i wouldn't mess with me if i were you, pal. i have 66 followers on yws!
— riprxnin