My heart bursts into a fast beat, like a drum, as I race down the stairs, flinging myself out the door.
Stumbling to the stables, I grab my horse, Tainyas, and her saddlebags. Leading her out of her stable, I bump into a fleshy wall of muscle. Screaming i back away, only to realize, that it was Father, with his arms full of food, bows, arrows, swords, daggers, and armor. He walked around Tainyas, filling my bags with food and water. He handed me the weapons and armor. I nod my head, turning around, walking into the stables to get into my armor.The armor, was leather. The bottoms, i knew were called "breeches", the top covered only my chest, showing my stomache. The boots, had dagger sheaths, and little darts. Pulling on my boots, I took my daggers, sliding them into the sheaths. I whipped my belt around my body, putting my swords on both sides of my hips. I shrugged on my cloak, pulling my bows and arrows onto my back. Walking swiftly out the door of the stable, I saw Father and Tainyas. One weird thing was, Father was talking to Tainyas, and she was nodding her head, almost like she understood. Frowning, I walked faster. Father looked and a face of deep sorrow and pain crossed his face. In his hands, was a map.
"This map, is the way to the Elves, where they will keep you safe. For now."
"Fathe-"
"Go! Now. While you still can."
Nodding, I hugged Father, mounting Tainyas, kicking her into a gallop.
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139,494 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
Hey there!
I haven't actually read chapter 1. So I won't know any background story and review it just as it is. I hope you don't mind. Sorry if I miss out some vital information.
Anyway, onto the review. First of all, loved your opening sentence. It was short and choppy, which gave it an immidiate sense of action and suspense.
Since this is such a short chapter, I'll nitpick and be really picky, because if I don't do that, I won't have much to talk about.
So here goes:
"fleshy wall of muscle"
I'm not really sure I like this description. fleshy and wall don't really go well together in my opinion. The word fleshy conjures up an image of open flesh in my mind and for wall, I imagine a strong, sturdy brick wall after that. So, those two words clashes a bit in my mind. I think it'd be fine as wall of muscle.
I noticed that you used a lot of commas and full stops. I realise that they may be used to make the sentences short to create that sense of fast-paced action, but I think you should go over those carefully to see if it's really necessary to add in those. For example, this one:
"only to realize, that it was Father"
I don't think a comma is necessary between realize and that.
I saw a several sentences like that.
"with his arms full of food, bows, arrows, swords, daggers, and armor."
Is it really possible to carry that much things with only your arms? It seemed a bit much for me. Maybe give him a bag to carry those? Because it said bows, swords, daggers, etc. suggesting that there was more than one bows, swords and daggers in his arm. Now, if he carried only one, I think that can pass, but several? I don't really think that it's possible to carry all that.
I like your foreshadowing there with the main character's father and Tainyas. It adds another element to the story. I wonder what that leads up to.
Overall, I liked this piece, you did a really good job with making the scene fast-paced and action filled. So, good job there!
Im very sorry they are so short. I am trying to fix that, but I am glad it was an acton filled piece, for that is what I intended it to be.
There's no need to be sorry.
Maybe you could add more events and scenes to it? Tell us what happens next?
I will try. It is a working porject cause i have school and not very much time alone.