My story starts with a single death, a friends death, and ends with a war, a war that will become the next world war.
Fire erupts around me, firebolts charging through the house, burning everything in its reach. My mind screams, begging me to move from the spot I am frozen at. I cant move. My whole family has been burned to ashes, this I know. The sky has fallen, dropping to my shoulders, forcing me to hold the weight of the sky. I cant hold the sky. No one can. I know now that I have nothing to fight for. No family has coem to my aid, no warrior or prince saved me from my endless sleep. I might as well hold the sky, in a burning house, until my heart no longer beats, or the sky crushed me. But the gods thought different.
A slamming door makes me flip over into a defensive stance, holding my knifes in front of me, prepared to kill. Gabrielle stands in the doorway, holding a breakfast tray. Irriatated, I sheath my weapons, walking over to her to grab my breakfast for the day. She looks at me with a concerned face. A face that only an old lady like her can have.
"I'm fine, Gabrielle."
She nods, still unsure, but turns away, closing the door behind her. Sighing, and shaking my head, I pull my dressers open to reveal leather combat clothes, with a few accesorries like rings chains and earrings. Pulling on my clothes, and combat boots, I sit down on my bed to eat my breakfast. Youre going to be late for school if you eat any slower, i thought. Flipping my backpack onto my shoulder, I jump down the stairs 5 at a time, sliding to the front door. Opening the door, I walk out, and wait for the bus.
*
The bus comes, in an explosion of really disgusting smelling gas, and other stuff that does not impress the mood I am in at the slightest. Schreeching, the bus slides to a stop, wailing like a sick child. Ever heard of the school that gives you driving lessons, b***h?
Sighing, I climb onto the bus, walking to the end of the bus, to the last seat where I usually sit. Finally, peace and quiet, I thought. Searching through my backpack, I find my ipod. Jamming my earphones into my ears, I turn my ipod on to listen to heavymetal, rather than wailing baby bus engines. Turning it to full volume, I rock out silently, totally ignoring my surrounding. Looking out the window, I realize the bus is going very close to twenty miles per hour. Very annoyed, I ripped my earbuds out.
"Yo, Bus-driver!"
Looking, through his review mirror he replied to my call with a "yes?"
"There are these things called speed-limits, and your going way to slow for my liking and the freaking signs liking. Respect the sign, idiot! Now step on it, cause I don't want to be late for Mrs.Walters class."
Insulted, the bus-driver, stopped the bus, and stormed down the aisle, like a really hideous math teacher about to hand you your test that has a big F on it.
"Come with me, young missy."
"Why should I? Cause the last time I checked, i was right about the speed limit thing."
"Do you want detention?"
"Yes please! Now leave, and drive like your supposed too."
When he didnt leave, I walked right up to him, looked him in the eye, and said "Happy Birthday." During his face of suprise, I kicked him in the balls. Groaning he crumpled onto the floor.Man I love steel toed boots, I thought. Stepping over him, I walk down the aisle, into the driving seat. Starting the bus again, I drive the correct speed limit, getting to school. Smirking, I walk out of the bus, literally dancing to the steps of my school.
*
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well..this one started off rather promising but then it died down very fast. I feel like you need to do a bit of a rethink here. Its a great first line and then it just went straight downhill from there, which is not a good and the protagonist is also very unlikeable which is another not so great sign.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayy....well that's an interesting start, a little disorienting almost I have to say. There's a powerful line that really catches your attention but then you hit us with so much tragedy all in a row that it blurs together and ends up losing its power because the things being tossed about end up a little too much for us to fully process. I feel like this is the sort of situation that requires a slower paced opening where we get to really experience the full force of the horrors this person faces here.
Okayy...so yeah this doesn't quite line up with the whole sky falling thing here, and its a tiny bit confusing with this particularly transition here. I feel like that whole first part then just becomes a bit irrelevant. Soo...I'd suggest that you perhaps try and make that feel a bit more connected or remove that altogether. This part by itself is still plenty mysterious and gets the reader's attention.
Okayy...well this has turned in a very different direction here with it now seeming like this person is just going to school her and dealing with a bus that's going a little slow....soo...yeah definite downgrade in tension there...it seems like this story is progressively getting less and less mysterious and seeming more simple the further we go. Its creating an odd sort of effect here.
Well that ended kind of weirdly there. For one, if you want people to like this character that's likely to not work at all. This is just straight up a bit of a horrible person here and I for one wouldn't cheer for this character. That's not a great sign for the start. The protagonist has to be somewhat likeable. And also...things just got less exciting the further this chapter went. I feel it doesn't quite do its job as a first chapter as well as it should.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this isn't a bad first chapter, there are a few things that make you want to read on but things such as the protagonists actions and then just the rapid decline in the tension kind of makes you do the opposite, so a bit of a rethink might be necessary here in terms of what you want this first chapter to tell your readers.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is amazing, Demi! Beautifully done, this could be a whole book, one that i would read and keep neatly tucked in my bookshelf of favorites.
Yaaa!