Published December 8, 2017
with them biting their lip,
i love the polyphony
of telephone static
and cat meows.
i could break the passenger window
with sudden force
and be knocked out euphoric.
but i shouldn't.
i've cuckolded clear conscience long enough.
i should listen to their fingers
tapping on something else
other than a spine.
(their steering wheel.) (my uvula.)
yet i still wouldn't be able
to mansplain all my regrets
of us only being old friends;
i replaced all the Sexton with Shange.
some pages remained under my bed
through every
temper tantrum and fever dream.
we dumpster dive
in terrific silence.
i listen to them discover
torn pages and crude drawings,
trace among past relevancy,
follow it with either a chuckle or a
grunt.
i won't tell them what i find.
it's due time i don't speak.
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139,783 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Interesting...rather interesting. I can't actually even describe it that well. It is cool and unique, the way you wrote it. Really original and mysterious. Love the reference though, the fact that (I guess) you went from one style of poetry to another, from one type of poet to another.
I don't understand the message that well, but I guess that it is polyinterpretable, so everyone is free to construct their own meaning in the poem. I didn't really get what it was about, but hey, not everyone wants their poems to be loud and clear. I suppose it is about a relationship with someone, someone with whom the narrator broke up and it is apparently their own fault, seeing how at the end he says "it's due time i don't speak". I suppose that "them" may be the amour of the narrator and her current s.o and that they have stayed friends (I guess since the narrator clearly refers to a "we", which means that the activity they are partaking in they do together.)
That also would mean that the dumpster he refers to is a dumpster of memories, which (if it's true) is a great metaphor for the shared memories and experiences with somebody you used to love.
The general writing style is very beautiful and melancholic, even ethereal. This is awesome and something you don't get in poems a lot these days.
The structure is also very nice, kinda avant-garde. Reminds me of experimental beatnik poetry. I think it is cool that you don't use rhyming since here it would only break up the mood and the atmosphere of the piece.
If anything, this reminds of a song more than it does of a proper poem. Not that it is bad though - I just think it would sound awesome put to some music.
So in short - it is beautiful, it is nice. Not really my thing, though, but I can see how people would enjoy it.
Hey! Thank you so much for the review!
Ironically I have been trying to mess with time signatures lately with my poetry, however I lack any rhythm whatsoever, so this probably couldn't be put to music. If I could, it'd be amazing.
I do believe poetry doesn't have a set meaning, but when it comes down to what it means to me, you pretty much hit it on the nose. Everything from the dumpster to the ending of the relationship. I actually use "them" not as a way to refer to multiple parties, but to dip around using he/she. That gets really boring sometimes.
Once again, thank you!
Hello Willard,
First off, I am not 100% sure how to review this properly since, as pizzaroll said, I think it is chocked full of inside jokes I am not privy to. That is not to say it is bad, but that it makes it hard for other people, like those of us here on Young Writer's Society, to properly review. That being said, I will give it my best shot! Basically, all I am going to do is write down things I have noticed about the poem. Sometimes it helps to see what other's can see from their perspective and you can find things you didn't realize were there.
Ready?
I noticed:
-The way the poem is formatted resembles a lady wearing a top hat.
-Despite the silliness of the poem, it seems to deal with the topic of (perhaps) the friend zone? "yet i still wouldn't be able to mansplain all my regrets of us only being old friends;..."
-Not one word in both the body or the title is capitalized.
I wonder if this piece is actually talking about the friend zone... It does feel like it is, at least to me. But that could just be the predicament I am in now affecting my perspective on this poem. The first stanza gives me a mental image of the speaker observing, in the nicest way, their love interest and conversations they've had over the phone where no one is talking, just a cat to break the silence. The second stanza brings about an image of someone just alone for the ride, but wants to be let out of their confinements (the car being the friend zone) and believing the ability to do so comes from the shear force (?) of his feelings attacking and penetrating the friend zone.
I wonder:
-Would you be willing to tell us what inspired this poem?
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work and, with a little more time, I wonder what more I might glean from it.
Good job, keep writing, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future,
Lady Loki
Hey! First of all, thank you so much for the review on my work!
I understand why specific poetry might be hard to review, but never let that be a deterrent. If poetry blatantly states what it means, then how much meaning does it have? It's always nice to read something to interpret than something that goes "this is about a dead relative. done.". Art is open for interpretation, and I wanted that. I was genuinely intrigued by what people thought of it, regardless of what my intentions were.
To answer your question, when I had initially wrote it, it wasn't really about a friend zone. More so, a break up, however their romance isn't the focus on the poem. Maybe they had a bad ending to the relationship and even a worse falling out, now they're finally talking about in a car. The narrator and them are sitting in silence, waiting for the MC to say something, but clearly he is enjoying the moment for once. This is bringing closure to something he has wanted for a while. He could fall asleep happy (hence the breaking car window line), but he can't. Clearly he has made a lot of decisions he regrets, and for once, should listen to them. Listen to what they have to say. He really hasn't in the past. The tapping on the steering wheel/my uvula is referring to them wanting the Narrator to speak, but he's taking his time. He can't find a way to express his feelings, sadness, regret without being totally ignorant. He hastily replaced all the poetry of their time with another. It's supposed to be a sign of moving on, but he still holds on to some pages. He misses it. And after clearing things up, they go back on a nostalgic trip of their overall relationship. (dumpster diving referring to memories that had been thrown away). They allow them, the other party, to pick up old memories while the narrator tries not to speak in order to not ruin it again.
What inspired it was being in that exact same situation.
The capitalization was because it felt more bare and blunt.
Thank you once again, and I hope I brought some clarification!
mysterious, confusing, and stunning. this is the kind of writing where readers just slam the like button because they're too shocked to say anything. well, i really like it despite my little understanding of any references or possible inside jokes. but this is pretty sweet. wonderful job!
I call a review
okay