3/3
Apathy sounds fun.
So does blowing your ear drums
and stepping into the shower,
trying to catch sound coming from
low quality speakers.
I keep a good hold onto the curtain
just in case I slip.
The only thing I want
is to not be bored,
the hot water reminds me
for fifteen minutes straight.
All those words wasted,
saying that if I give it time,
maybe life will become exciting.
Maybe.
Maybe,
next time the ball drops,
you and I won't act
like twelve year old boys.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,784 Literary Works • 672,764 Reviews
Hello! Anna here, ready to review!
First of all, the 3/3 at the beginning makes me think that this is the third poem in a series of three poems. I'm not going to review your other poems today because I'm a bit swamped, but this seems to stand very well on its own.
Your first line, "Apathy sounds fun", instantly hooks me in. Apathy is generally seen as a bad thing, which sort of set this up in my mind to be a rather depressing poem. But I think that's what made me want to keep reading.
Your transition from that first line to the next stanza was flawless. Usually I'd go on some rant about punctuation, but making the first line a simple sentence works well here, and the two sentences on their own make sense. So it works.
Now, there's only one part that confuses me, and that's the phrase "blowing your eardrums". At first I thought it meant someone blowing on your ear (quite a weird sensation) but then you mention music, making me think it was about playing the music so loud it would "blow your ears out" per say. You may want to be a bit clearer there because you have to piece it together a bit to figure it out, but it seems okay. If you have to wreck flow or something please don't do it. Your flow and pacing are perfect.
The gripping of the shower curtain sort of reminds me of having a backup plan in case you screw up. The thing about that is that holding a shower curtain doesn't necessarily make you more stable, it just crashes down more with you when you're trying to save yourself. Very interesting.
The repetition of the word maybe is so utterly comfortable yet so uncertain it makes me want to tear my eyeballs out. You create a nice rhythm with it, though.
You have a very relatable poem here that combines themes of growing up, plans, and plain boredom that has a great flow. Nice work!
Hello! Anna here, ready to review!
First of all, the 3/3 at the beginning makes me think that this is the third poem in a series of three poems. I'm not going to review your other poems today because I'm a bit swamped, but this seems to stand very well on its own.
Your first line, "Apathy sounds fun", instantly hooks me in. Apathy is generally seen as a bad thing, which sort of set this up in my mind to be a rather depressing poem. But I think that's what made me want to keep reading.
Your transition from that first line to the next stanza was flawless. Usually I'd go on some rant about punctuation, but making the first line a simple sentence works well here, and the two sentences on their own make sense. So it works.
Now, there's only one part that confuses me, and that's the phrase "blowing your eardrums". At first I thought it meant someone blowing on your ear (quite a weird sensation) but then you mention music, making me think it was about playing the music so loud it would "blow your ears out" per say. You may want to be a bit clearer there because you have to piece it together a bit to figure it out, but it seems okay. If you have to wreck flow or something please don't do it. Your flow and pacing are perfect.
The gripping of the shower curtain sort of reminds me of having a backup plan in case you screw up. The thing about that is that holding a shower curtain doesn't necessarily make you more stable, it just crashes down more with you when you're trying to save yourself. Very interesting.
The repetition of the word maybe is so utterly comfortable yet so uncertain it makes me want to tear my eyeballs out. You create a nice rhythm with it, though.
You have a very relatable poem here that combines themes of growing up, plans, and plain boredom that has a great flow. Nice work!
Ok, you review mine, I review yours - it won't be as good as yours though!
Oh my gosh! I love this! I my head, this poem gave me an impression of rap for some odd reason.I love how you say we shouldn't act like twelve year olds! It's so true, and always what I think of! I wonder if others do too…
I think how short the poem is really gets the point across easily. You know how there are those really long poems and halfway through you're wondering "What the hell is this!?"
Sorry this is so short - I'm not good at reviewing! XD
Great poem! Keep it up!
This
What
Have you been sold short, Strange?