Young Writers Society

Keep going! Original concept!
But shall I shed mercy, or not? We'll see. Muahahahaha!
First of all, I have portfolios for English class, and the one we're working on now is about descriptive writing. We have to show, not tell. You might benefit from that. Anyway, as already mentioned, SHOW the future president with his temper or something. And why was he elected? Describe it, don't just say he's a tyrant.
Next, is he Hispanic or Latino or something? Because don't you have to be born in the US to be president? Explain that more.
As Haruno Sakura said, keep the tenses the same throughout. Trust me, I sometimes have the same problem. It can get a little confusing, but read it over and try to fix it.

But I couldn't do it without support. But to my luck, my three older brothers had a huge basketball tournament to go to. So my friends packed their bags and we were on our way.

go with him to some of his interviews

You should stay with it, definitely! You're never going to learn how to fix it if you quit on it.

It's good, and in addition to the other replies posted, I think you should work on telling us more than exactly what the characters are doing. Describe some of the setting, like the plane.

Definately go on with it!

I love the concept, especially when on the heels of our current President who everyone said was foreign, different and lets not forget Black, because apparently that last part is a big thing to alot of people hah.

As far as the President-Elect's desc in this story, alot of Presidents in the past were larger than life characters with huge tempers; Andrew Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, Ike Eisenhower, Gerald Ford at times. But he still doesnt seem that much described in this intro, why did he run, where is he from, what platforms did he use to run and win?

You explain that he has an accent, but that doesnt explain much, until you mention his name I assumed he was European, like some Germanic or maybe Baltic man, not Latino, and I'm assuming Valdez translates into a Latino origin.

Your ending, during and after the flight, were all hurried, like you diddnt put as much attention into it as the others.

Work on it and definately a great read!

DO IT DOUG!

Muahahahahaha !

*shows no mercy*

Nah, I'm kidding


It was the year 1995 and the Inauguration of the new president was coming up. But my friends and I don't like the President Elect. He is a tall powerful man, and has a foreign accent. He always has a temper, but the people love him. Even though during a debate his temper would flare up and he would become very angry. He would curse his opponents and would yell and scream angrily. When we would watch it on our tv, he looked very dangerous. My friends and I think he is a threat, but our parents say otherwise.

This man doesn't sound like the diplomatic, charming type of guy who would normally be expected to become a president. Who would voluntarily choose a tyrant for president? This struck me as a little odd. Show us some reason for the people to actually vote for him, maybe?

But that plan had to wait, because he was fast asleep and I knew he would be mad if woken. Not too fond of this sentence.

I like the way you've written this; there's a lot of info in compact paragraphs, but you have avoided letting it become redundant. Well done!

I'm impressed ^^

PM me for anything,

XxxDo

Hellooooooooooooo, Lucy!

*thinks about shedding mercy* Mmmm, I think I shall shred.

But it will be for the better.

It was the year 2017 and the Inauguration of the new president was coming up.

But me and my friends don't like the President Elect.

He is a tall powerful man, and has a foreign accent.

always had a temper, but the people love him.