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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there, this is quite a good poem you've got here. I love the idea behind it and I think you've made a really good effort with the rhyme and rhythm, though it's slightly off in places. Here's the usual line-by-line to start us off:
Welcome to our society,
We hope you are not poor. [What's so perfect about these first two lines is you've written them in the ballad metre without even realising it. The ballad (or common) metre is an eight beat line followed by a six beat one. It's normally also in iambs but there are poets who make exceptions. Maybe look into using it for the whole poem? It would give some of the more awkward lines a nice tuck up.]
If you are then must know
You'll hate it here for sure.
The rich to us are like fashion [Too many extra words for the sake of rhythm. Maybe try using a few more adjectives? This line could easily become something like: 'The rich are high-street fashion/ but never out of season' That would also solve my next comment which was going to be that you're suggesting there's a fashion which doesn't go out of season. There isn't. Even the best of fashions go out and then in again or change with the times.]
That never goes out of season.
In our world, the rich get richer
And the poor? Well they get prison. [Good. I like these solid truths. Of course they're not absolute but presenting them as such makes your persona stronger. There can be no maybes or sometimes in a poem like this.]
Second stanza is good. Third's a little weak, maybe try to spruce up the content there.
Welcome to our society,
Our heaven and your hell.
Where evil is promoted
'Cause good simply doesn't sell. [Love this line!]
Feel free to do whatever you want,
Just don't get in our way.
Welcome to our society,
Please enjoy your stay.
Nice ending. Overall, I think it's good but it would be better if you worked to a set rhythm and counted the syllables in each line. You're halfway there so it wouldn't be that much more effort to put this poem into a set format. Well good luck with whatever you decide,
Heather xxx
This poem was brutally true, and I can't even begin to express how much I adore it. It rang of truth, and showed just how shallow this world is. The only thing about this that seemed a little messed up is:
It seems like it should be 'You are then you must know' rather then just 'Must know.' Other than that, wonderful job.
In a sad way, this reminds me of America, almost, because we're so focused on the outer appearance of a person, and not what's inside, and the people who have the most money obviously have the best lifestyle. I wish it weren't this way. Anyway, great job with the poem! I think everybody else pointed out any mistakes that I noticed. Sorry, wish I could help more, but great job with this!!
Hi NafeCT!
Make a 'you' before must, I think you might've missed that. Also, 'then' should be than.I'd like to begin by saying this poem was marvelous, controversial, yet true to an extent. It's another one of those things wrong in the world that many would like to ignore.
While I agree with Lavender, I thought about it and I agree with you more, because another aspect of the whole rich get richer, poor get prison concept is that while the wealthy also get incarcerated, it's much easier for them to be released because a) they can afford bail, and b) Many rich people are celebrities, and their fans would cause an uproar, most likely making it easier for them to be released. Then again, poor people have more of a reason to commit crimes (i.e., robbing banks, theft...) because they are less fortunate than wealthy people and do not have everything they want and need. So that's another bit helpful to your argument.
As for the actual content of the poem...
Something else I'd like to add is that in most cases I'd say the rhyme scheme restricts a poem and sometimes makes it sound less amazing than it truly is, but surprisingly in your poem it was quite the opposite! Your choice of rhyme really worked for you in this poem, and I think if you hadn't been thinking of words to rhyme with others we, the readers, would've missed out on some great lines, particularly:
I loved these lines, especially the social cage bit, because it was creative, original and it went with your rhyme scheme!
Just like above, this part was fantastic as well:
I think you should change this to "We judge how you dress," because "judge how you dress" just sounds a bit... strange to me.
Hope I helped
~BTM
I really liked this poem! You have a few little nitpicks that you can catch just reading it over a few times. However, I really loved it overall. It rings very true to modern society. At least in my experience; it's fair to say that you're nothing unless you're rich and successful and wear nice clothes and put other people down.
Any way; good rhyming, good message- a nice poem overall!
Keep writing!
-Tori
Ahahahaha! I loved this poem! The rythmn and ryhmning were both amazing. I loved the story and idea behing it. It was cute and creative. I think it also shows a good message, about how superficial and judgement our society has become. Some people can be just awful...
I think you really a great job of protraying this through your poem. Loved it
(Sorry, I really have no suggestions)
I love how this poem represents the truth. The repetition of the line
and the rhyming makes this poem flow well.Today's society is so different from how my Mum tells me it used to be like. Where I live everyone gets a trial, they aren't always fair but they're not unfair either.
Keep writing!
Hi everyone.
Well thank you all so much on the comments and reviews. It means a lot.
Now to Lavender. I understand where you're coming from but I think you need to understand the schematics behind this poem.
Firstly, I got the idea whilst reading an employment law book called "The Rich Get Richer and The Poor Get Prison". I don't know about where YOU come from but in many places around the world, poor people get jailed, often without trials or legal representation while the rich get richer. Perhaps it is because you may live in a developed country so you are ignorant of what goes on in the rest of the countries worldwide.
Secondly, the judging on the dress sentence IS indeed a stereotype but rightly justified so. Be honest with yourself and everybody else, there are some people you won't ever dare talk to simply because of how they look. Of course not everyone is like this but a disturbingly high percentage is.
Lastly, this poem was written to highlight some of the discrimination that happens in society, especially Malawian society. I'm Malawian so I know what I'm on about. And though I appreciate that culture and whatnot make societies vary in numerous ways, they're alarmingly similar in other ways.
Anyway, I aim to cause controversy. After all, I dream to become like Wangari Maathai. Thank you for your comments though, they are much appreciated.
Nafe x
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
This was most definitely interesting. I mean, it's rather controversial so you should be ready to back up some points if someone ever replied in a negative tone. You also have quite a few stereotypes that I'd like to address.
You're tending to exaggerate quite a few points like the one stating that if you're poor, you'll end up in prison. I'd like to debate that fact and say that isn't true. Many less fortunate folks, however poor they are, can enjoy there life and easily stay out of crime. Sure, they may commit criminal acts, but not all, and the wealthy are just as likely to do the same. I think that's a big stereotype you've inserted into your poem and you should be careful.
I also think there is a word missing in there.
Now, that, well. That is not true. Perhaps for some people, but I think that's a harsh and very blunt statement to make. There are many people who don't do that, I'm sure, and, personally, I think that you could alter it somehow to imply that not everyone thinks this way.
Interesting poem.
Yours,
Lavvi
Wow. That was really good. The rhyming didn't feel strained, and parts of it were very true! My favorite sentence was the last one, "Please enjoy your stay". I love twist endings! Amazing work!!!
Also, welcome to YWS!
Hello there,
at the beginning of every line beacause it kept the flow in the poem going. I did however think that there should have been another verse somewhere in the middle. Overall it was extremely good and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the awesome writing.This is really good and I personally like it! It really captured me and I couldn't stop reading until I reached the end, which is always a good sign with writing! I particularly enjoyed reading the final verse because the rhyming was really natural and the words were very powerful. I liked how you put the line
From CuteJackRussell
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