Published April 30, 2011
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Ola everyone.
Thank you for the reviews. And I had no idea a haiku not about nature is called a senryu. Thanks for educating me (^_~).
And yeah, I think I WILL write a longer poem. You guys are right about that. Thanks for the tips and the constructive criticism and all round positivity. It means so, so much
Nafe X
My (failed) haiku response to your (awesome) haiku:
The thing you wrote was,
So short, yet so powerful.
I really love it
That basically sums it up. Sorry for calling your brilliant poem 'thing' by the way. Couldn't find anything else that fitted.
Hi!
Well, I'd love to say I really loved this poem, but, um I didn't. I'm not saying you're not a good writer (because you probably are ^_^) or that it's terrible, it's there, it's just...
well, obviously like others said, you don't have the faintest clue what this is about, unless you read the part you wrote about your 'friend', which wouldn't be there in say a book of poetry, also I think you chose the wrong form of poetry, what you want to write is confined in three lines, and there isn't any room to grow or explain, what Im saying is, this - to me - isn't like poetry, but dialogue, however you've got a brilliant idea, an I would like to see it as a longer poem, you could even use those lines
Oh and I think the title is supposed to be 'Trust'
I'd love to see what you do with it
keep up the writing,
~tinkem
Hey there, Nafe! This'll be quick, but it seems like you've gotten a lot of praise for this, and I'd like to balance it out a bit.
First-off, I have to inform you that this is technically not a Haiku! This is closer to what we'd call a Senryu poem! Senryu poetry is just like a Haiku in form and structure, but it deals with human conditions, emotions, and other squishy human things. Haiku poetry is generally about nature and things that we as humans like to observe. Now, you have a nice little whip of dialog here, but it doesn't do much justice for anything as far as poetry goes. In fact, without the preface you gave us in your author's notes (which I did not read until after reading the poem), we'd have no idea who or what you're talking to. Let's take a look at it from an objective point of view. Let's consider this directed at your dying mother as she asks you on her hospital bed to keep her alive as long as you can. It's her only desire. And to that, you say:
Do we see how important setting is? For this, I want to challenge you to re-write this piece and give us the harsh reality of this letting go scenario without your author's notes. In fact, pretend like they're not there, just as they won't be there if this is published.
Moving on to another aspect of criticism, let's look at your punctuation/capitalization, which isn't too far off, but just far enough to annoy:
That's how I'll suggest correcting your mistakes, but you can do it any way you'd wish. It's my typical policy to suggest proper capitalization/punctuation in poetry, but if you choose not to abide by that rule, feel free to disregard it.
I'm going to stop there in case anyone else has more to pick apart with this, but I hope to see what becomes of this! Maybe even a chain of Senryus can stem from this one little gem.
Let me know if you have questions/comments!
-Lumi
I love how despite using such a short form of poetry, you can still give so much meaning. It sounds so passionate, and I can really see your feelings coming through. Also, even though you have explained the meaning of this to you, it could be given a whole bunch of meanings, depending on the mood of the reader and their personal experiences. To me, that's one thing that makes a poem extremely powerful.
It's a great poem, and I'd love to see some longer versions too!
I absolutely love haiku too.
I wrote a bunch for National Poetry Month because I couldn't think of anything else to write. x) I think the correct name for this type of poem would be a "Senryu". A senryu is essentialy a haiku, but instead of being about nature, it's about human nature.
I loved how defiant and bold this sounded. You could probably make this into a longer poem if you wanted to; it's a great idea.
Aaaand that's all I've got. Sorry for the short review!
- Jelly
I really liked it! I like haikus because of the simplicity involved, though usually they are meant for nature. I actually have written many emotional haikus like this one, but never thought they would get anywhere. I believe the best poems are short sweet, and very emotion ridden. This is all three of these! Good job! Cant wait to see more of your work!
I wasn't sure if you'd be able to say what you wanted to say with such a restricted amount of syllables, but you did it! Good job!
Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you today.
That's really upsetting about your friend. I hate that.
Anyway, as someone has already mentioned, haikus are usually about nature, but this was still good. However, even in such a short poem, haikus usually can still provide a stance to start with. Here, I didn't really understand it unless I read what you wrote beforehand. This is why haikus are usually about nature because it's much easier to understand them then.
Yours,
Lavvi
Well done! I like the repetition. This makes a nice mantra for you when dealing with your "friends" I bet.
Not much to critique here.
Great haiku! Most haiku are about describing nature, which is a lot easier then expressing emotion, which you did awesome at! Read some Basho! His haiku's are amazing!