My heart quivers. It aches and aches. Every time I breathe, I billow back and forth.
This isn't right. This shouldn't be happening.
Someone call a doctor. Please. This isn't a poem. Someone, get help.
I'm serious. Please. I think I have been poisoned. I shouldn't have let my ex-wife back in.
Please.
Please...
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, just your friendly, neighborhood kitty stopping in for a review!
I like how short this poem is. I don't typically like poems, but it works really well for the message being portrayed here. It's super intense.
I'm not sure where the "humor" tag comes into play, honestly though. So if you would like to share that, I would be grateful.
This line confused me. The person billowed back and forth? I'm seeing this person getting thrown around by some really strong winds whenever they breathed. Maybe it's just my strange imagination.
I feel like this would be more intense if there was an exclamation mark after "Please." and after "Someone, get help." It would make it seem far more urgent than a simple period.
I think this would flow better if these two sentences were reverse.
Overall, I think this is a very nice poem. It is fast and it catches your attention almost immediately. Which is good, especially since this is a short poem. Awesome job!
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this short but very intense poem about a man who feels that he has just been poisoned by his wife. The urgency of his situation is transmitted very well via his repeated outcries for help. Ironically the message for assistance is in the form of a poem.
I like the way that the poet denies that the poem is really a poem but is actually a genuine call for help. That is a very unique touch!
The poem made me remember all the documentaries about how spouses have tried to poison their mate. Sometimes it has come close to being fatal. Something to do with collecting on insurance.
So it's wise to avoid eating anything cooked by anyone who might have a reason to contaminate your food. Especially after finishing an argument and having her offer dinner with a broad seemingly forgiving smile on her or his face.
Suggestions
An exclamation point can be added to the "Please!"
Not sure why the speaker considers it abnormal to billow back and forth since that is the natural consequence of breathing. The chest billows or expands and then deflates. So maybe another symptom can be substituted and would fit in better with being poisoned. That is of course if you didn't mean that your breathing is abnormally fast. Then an adjective added to the billowing back and forth would fit in nicely.