ARC 4

Something about it makes me think it might work better as a movie than as a story/novel, but maybe not. I do think the first person works well.

You might want to check out this thread on dialogue grammar.

Here it is with my suggestions. I skipped the "intimate" part.

blue = comment
red = suggested change

“Ugh.” I fling myself onto my bed. “School's killing me…getting called down to the Dean to explain myself to two of my morning teachers, then skip lunch to get more info on the case, then back to class.” I roll onto my stomach. “Oh well. I got to see Damitri, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.” I press my face into a cold pillow.

“What now!?” I yell into the pillow as I pull out the vibrating phone from my pocket.. “What?” I demand into the phone.

“Bad time?” Damitri’s voice says. I sit up.

“No, no, not at all.”

“Rough day?”

“Sorta.” but What I really wanted to say was: You try being a FBI agent protecting a witness that is going to testify in a major case that could help clear up the streets…but I didn’t.

“I’m sorry. You want to come with me for dinner? I noticed that you skipped lunch.”

“Yeah, I had some other business to tend to, but I would love to have dinner.” I smile into the phone.

“Great, it’ll have to be an early dinner, 4:30 okay? I got papers to grade.” There’s Professor Peach speaking.

“4:30 is fine, gives me an hour to get ready.”

“Alright. Love you,” he says.

“Love you too.” I close the phone. I get up and get ready for a quick shower.

I stare at my mirror refection before I step into the warm shower. I pull the pony out on my hair, letting it fall to my shoulders. I tilt my head back a little to let the water side down my face. I quickly do the essentials: Shampoo, Conditioner, body wash, face scrub, and a quick shave. With the shower done with I step out and nice and relaxed. This paragraph doesn't seem necessary. We really don't need to know that she used conditioner and shaved her legs.

With a towel covering my body I rummage through my closet. I pull out a dark pair of skinny jeans and a silk white blouse. “Casual yet sophisticated,” I think as I grab a pair of black flats and undergarments before running to the bathroom again and change.

As I walk out I notice my gun on my night stand. “Shet!” (1) I grab my phone and text Phi.
Nae: Hey, I got some personal business to deal with tonight, could you…?
Phi: No problem.
Nae: Thanks!

A knock on my door makes me jump. I put my gun into the nightstand dresser drawer and my phone into my pocket. I stare at my ID/badge before sticking it into my back pocket. I run to the door and open it.

“Hey, beautiful,” Damitri says, kissing me real quick.

“Hey, I’m ready.” I close and lock the door.

We go to a nice restaurant and have some Italian Pasta. In the middle I get a call.

“Uh, I got to take this,” I say, glancing at my phone then to Damitri.

“Go” he says. I get up and power walk near the restrooms.

“Nae,” I answer.

“Nae, it’s Lester, we got something.”

“Give it to me.”

“The victim was shot with a 45 mm, 2 shots to the chest, and defensive wounds on the wrist indicating she fought back…” He trails off.

“She?” I think. “What is it?” I ask concerned.

“There was a playing card there,” Lester replies.

I pray to God it’s not a Joker copy cat. “What card was it?”

“It was the king,” Lester says, “But we’re not out of the clear yet,” he continues, “We got another serial killer out there…”

“Yeah.” I nod.

“Check your phone in a minute, I’m sending you a picture from the scene.” I pull my phone away from my ear and open the new picture message. I close my eyes and lean my head against the wall.

Jessica Willing, dead. But that’s not what got me. The way she was positioned, she was placed on boxes like a thrown and a stick in hand with a trash bag on top of her head like a crown. I place the phone to my ear, “The king…”

“We believe he’s going to kill 12 more times if we don’t catch him.” King, check, Queen, Jack, ten, and so on. Lester groans, “That’s all we have so far.”

“Alright, later.” I close my phone and walk back to Damitri.

“Everything alright?” he asks.

“Yeah, just a girlfriend with a mental breakdown,” I say. We enjoy the rest of the dinner.

“Would you like to spend the night at my place?” Damitri asks as he turns a corner.

“U-uh sure,” I say with a smile. We drive to his place.

----------------

A sequence of beeps interrupts my dreams. I open my eyes and stare at the room. It takes me a moment to remember where I am and last night's events. I sit up, pressing, what I think is, the off button on the radio, could be the snooze for all I know. I lean over the side of the bed, grab my shirt and slide it on. I look at the closed door from which I hear running water coming from and a light fog seeping through the space between the door and the floor. I take this opportunity to search his house.

I walk around aimlessly, stopping to look at plants or leaf through books. I stop at a table in the living room. My fingers gently brush the top of a picture frame. It’s Damitri and a little bubbly girl in his lap, her hands gripping his first fingers. They look happy.

“That’s my daughter.” I spin around. Damitri stands at the doorway, leaning on it. A shirt in his hands, along with a pair of socks. His slightly baggy pants make a soft swish noise as he walks over. He grabs the picture. Using his thumb he brushes an arch of dust away. “She was shot…” My head snaps up to look at him. “Gang wars, little girl outside wondering what’s going on, then bang, a bullet meant for someone else missed and…hit her…” he chokes out. I gasp. I pull him into a hug. The height difference isn’t major, maybe one or two I read somewhere you're supposed to spell out numbers under 20 inches so he buries his face into my shoulder. I just rub his back and offer comforting words. He pulls back, rubbing his face with his hands, laughing at himself.

“Wow…this is manly of me huh?” He laughs while sniffing.

I smile. “Yeah.” I turn back to the picture, “She looks like you, though.”
“That’s what everyone else said, but I adopted her.”

I give a nod.
“Always wanted to adopt.” I continue to look at the picture.

“Come, let’s get some breakfast then head to the school.” Damitri walks, in what I assume would be the direction of his kitchen.

-Removed-