D'awww, Bog. D: Just one verse?!
I wish I knew what you wanted me to look into. I'll give you as many of my thoughts as I can to hopefully please you. xD
The filthy barons rape the lands, their heads are ten foot deep in sand.
Neeeein. Grammar, sir! Grammar! Is a person five foot tall or five feet tall? How tall is that building? 52 foot tall or 52 feet tall? I do like the metaphor of being under sand, though. Kind of like digging into the earth for oil!
With castles made to shelter greed, they're built on cruelty, can't you see?
No. xD The castles are built to encase greed. You never said anything about the foundation!
Your belly is so full but yet, you will never cease to crave.
Nice. 8D
You sit upon your throne so brave, your people live like rats in caves.
lol. I can't tell if this is meant to mock them or if this is an accident. Sit on a throne bravely? How does one bravely sit on a throne when the throne is hidden away from everyone by the castle? Remember that line? (I'd recommend tweaking this line to help your point.)
Western powers pretend to help them, all they really do is shell them.
I sure hope the rest of the song also refers to a specific incident. Such names can really date your piece, which can be good or bad, depending on what you're going for.
Together they dance hand to hand, spilling young blood into the sand.
I don't think I like the dance metaphor for this one. The verse has been making them sound like lazy jerks. Since when did they become ninja ballerinas?
The entire song would be helpful in understanding what this verse is saying. Some of the things I say could be completely silly, but only you can make the conclusion at this point! So look through your song to make sure your metaphors and your insults are all in line. Don't go off on tangents, and don't change perspectives. Also double check your grammar! You have to follow the rules before you're allowed to break them occasionally.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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