z

Young Writers Society



Blood and Oil

by deleted15


First verse from a song I'm halfway through writing, I have three out of  5-6 guitar riffs written for it and the drums are pretty much done. The song is a Black Metal song that will be going on my album and I'll post the full recording as soon as it's 100% done with the full lyrics sheet.

It's basically about warlords and barons who become rich by exploiting people and Western governments who pretend to care about the people in oil-rich countries when all they want is to make sure that the oil keeps pumping. Libya is a great example of this, what other reason did the west have for doing air-strikes other than to take Gaddafi's life sooner so that people would "hopefully" go back to pumping oil?

The filthy barons rape the lands, their heads are ten foot deep in sand.
With castles made to shelter greed, they're built on cruelty, can't you see?
Your belly is so full but yet, you will never cease to crave.
You sit upon your throne so brave, your people live like rats in caves.
Western powers pretend to help them, all they really do is shell them.
Together they dance hand to hand, spilling young blood into the sand.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1464 Reviews

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Sun Jun 24, 2012 8:40 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



D'awww, Bog. D: Just one verse?!

I wish I knew what you wanted me to look into. I'll give you as many of my thoughts as I can to hopefully please you. xD

The filthy barons rape the lands, their heads are ten foot deep in sand.


Neeeein. Grammar, sir! Grammar! Is a person five foot tall or five feet tall? How tall is that building? 52 foot tall or 52 feet tall? I do like the metaphor of being under sand, though. Kind of like digging into the earth for oil!

With castles made to shelter greed, they're built on cruelty, can't you see?


No. xD The castles are built to encase greed. You never said anything about the foundation!

Your belly is so full but yet, you will never cease to crave.


Nice. 8D

You sit upon your throne so brave, your people live like rats in caves.


lol. I can't tell if this is meant to mock them or if this is an accident. Sit on a throne bravely? How does one bravely sit on a throne when the throne is hidden away from everyone by the castle? Remember that line? ;) (I'd recommend tweaking this line to help your point.)

Western powers pretend to help them, all they really do is shell them.


I sure hope the rest of the song also refers to a specific incident. Such names can really date your piece, which can be good or bad, depending on what you're going for.

Together they dance hand to hand, spilling young blood into the sand.


I don't think I like the dance metaphor for this one. The verse has been making them sound like lazy jerks. Since when did they become ninja ballerinas?

The entire song would be helpful in understanding what this verse is saying. Some of the things I say could be completely silly, but only you can make the conclusion at this point! So look through your song to make sure your metaphors and your insults are all in line. Don't go off on tangents, and don't change perspectives. Also double check your grammar! You have to follow the rules before you're allowed to break them occasionally.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Spoiler! :
Image




User avatar
15 Reviews

Points: 868
Reviews: 15

Donate
Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:36 am
Rav1209 wrote a review...



1. I hate reading unfinished work on the internet because i feel its like dissing your publiscist and you didn't want to take the time to finish it. Especially when i want to read more. :D

2. the explination seemed unneeded and turned me off for reading the song.

Those were the only things i had a problem with and good luck with your music!




User avatar
78 Reviews

Points: 2659
Reviews: 78

Donate
Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:30 am
roxyask wrote a review...



Hello! Roxy here!!

Nothing to do with the actual writing, but I think it would be better if you seperated where the lyrics start and your explination of of the lyrics :)

These are really powerful, I think its wonderful!

I haven't obviously heard it but I'm not seeing how
"Your belly is so full but yet, you will never cease to crave."
is going to fit in? All the other lines have around the same amount of beats but this line is missing a few beats?
Mind I'm not very musical, so I may be wrong, am I?

I love the last line, but would "hand *in* hand" not make more sense?
"Together they dance hand to hand, spilling young blood into the sand."

But I really did love the power that the lyrics held!!
I really hope you keep it up!!

--Roxy




BogWraith says...


Hi Roxy, thanks for your comments. I made sure the words tie in with the beats, one syllable per each eighth note to be precise, so it does all fit right up to the pre-chorus. =)

Also, "Dance hand to hand" is a pun. If you dance "hand in hand" with someone, it's a positive thing. The phrase "hand to hand" refers to combat, you might have heard "hand to hand combat" be used in war novels/movies/documentaries. Do you still think I should change it? :)

I'm a little bit concerned about the speed at which I'll have to do the vocals, haha. I normally do relatively slow paced vocals whether it's clean singing or distorted vocals. However my favorite band from the same genre (Marduk) tend to have songs with very fast tempos and even so the vocalist still manages to time his syllables with the eighth notes. The tempo for this song is the standard 120BPM, compared to their usual 160-180, so hopefully it shouldn't be too hard for me to do.

Thanks for your feedback and please let me know your thoughts after the above explantion(s). :D



roxyask says...


Thats perfect so! :) I was just a little worried! :)

Ah I get now! No no don't change it so, it makes perfect sense now! I was probably just a little slow on the pick up of it! :)

Well what I would do if I were you is I would start learning the song and singing it at a slow tempo and then slowly build it up to a fast tempo, so you will learn to be happy with the speed and you're not diving into new territory too fast! :) You never know, you might prefare it slower and one day someone may look to your songs for a tempo! :)

I hope even some of this has made sense/been helpful!! :D




shady and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws
— Tuckster