use more poetic language, you have the start of something good here. the rhythm was off in a few places:
For someone’s life to turn upside down.
Why, when and What.
And watch someone’s life drain away
They only know which side they’re on,
Ok, writing poems is not my strong point, I'm not that good at them but I want to improve, so feel free to voice any suggestions about this poem.
War
Guns shatter the silence,
Of a once peaceful town.
It only takes one moment,
For someone’s life to turn upside down.
When they introduced conscription,
I knew I had to go.
Back then I had no idea,
Of what horrors the war would show.
We studied war in History,
Why, when and What.
But nothing could have prepared me for,
The day of that first shot.
I hate to watch the killing,
We see it day by day.
It’s hard to pull the trigger,
And watch someone’s life drain away.
Half the people fighting,
Don’t even know what for.
They only know which side they’re on,
And that they’re at war.
I am now past caring,
Whether we lose or win.
I just want this ordeal over,
This horrific war to end.
use more poetic language, you have the start of something good here. the rhythm was off in a few places:
For someone’s life to turn upside down.
Why, when and What.
And watch someone’s life drain away
They only know which side they’re on,
I agree with Skye Demon that this poem is very moving. I also think that it's a good length too.
This is really good, powerful, and I think it captures the feelings of the soldiers realistically.
In the 4th verse, the last line, "And watch someone’s life drain away", I think would sound better if you had "And watch a life drain away", cause it seems shorter, fitting the poem better. And also, this is such a great powerful poem. A beautiful message here!
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