Cold Case
Prologue:
Elena sighed as she looked at the clock. It was nearly two hours past her home time. It was typical, Amanda would be sick on the busiest day of the week. She was close to the end though, she just needed to finish preparing the frozen dough for tomorrow and then she would be out of here.
She placed the full tray of sweet long rolls on the rack, and reached for the last tray. Her tired muscles were protesting as she did this but forced herself to go as quickly as possible. She opened the box of sweet round rolls, and groaned when she saw the amount in there. There wasn’t even enough for half a tray. Throwing her apron off and grabbing the keys she stalked outside to the freezer container that housed their overflow stock.
She hated going into this freezer. It seemed much colder and intimidating than the inside one. Unlocking the padlock Elena slowly pulled the door open. She took a moment to savour the outside warmth before venturing through the translucent flaps and into the dense coldness.
Elena was not completely familiar with this freezer; her domain was the muffins and cakes, not the bread. Amanda could have had the box and been out in a second, she however had to search the rows of shelves thoroughly.
“White viennas, olive cobb, tom thumbs,” she read off the boxes as she slowly progressed up the freezer, towards the cooling unit at the back.
“Ah, here it is.” She said, reaching for the last box of sweet round rolls. It was at that moment the door swung shut, plunging her into semi-darkness. The only thing that shed a little light was the cooling unit, just enough for her to see the dim outlines of her surroundings.
Fighting the urge to bolt, she grabbed the box and forced herself to walk calmly towards the door. She wasn’t going to run outside, not like she did last time. Reaching the door she pushed it, expecting it to open, the wind couldn‘t have been so strong as to make it shut properly. It didn’t open. Holding back the urge to scream she pushed the door release button. The door did not spring open like it should.
She didn‘t even feel it as she dropped the box on her foot.
“Work, dam you, work.” She shouted as she pummelled the button. It should always work, unless it was locked from the outside.
“Dammit,” she shouted, knowing she had left the padlock in the door handle. You could close the door, if you used enough force, but you couldn’t open it.
Her composure burst. Screaming, she pounded on the door. “Help Me, I’m locked in. Please help me.”
Minutes passed as she screamed for help, until her hoarse voice could rise no more than a whisper. She still pounded on the door though, her fists beating at the stubborn metal, the pain she should be feeling in those raw and bleeding hands was numbed by the coldness. She sobbed as she pounded away, her tears freezing where they landed.
Abandoning her attempt at the door, Elena shivered uncontrollably as she looked frantically at the contents of the freezer. Trying to keep herself as warm as possible she hugged herself and jumped on the spot, her legs feeling rubbery as she struggled to keep them moving. There was nothing of help, nothing in here but boxes.
“I’ll use the boxes then,” she whispered, her voice coming out like a croak.
Hysterically she began throwing boxes to the floor. They made a loud crash as they fell from the top shelves, frozen bread exploding out of the boxes as she tried to attract attention.
The freezer floor was no longer bare, it was littered with smashed boxes and pieces of broken bread. Aside from the lack of space she no longer had the energy to destroy the remaining boxes. She was cold all over, it bit into her, attacked her to her very core. Every part of her body was numb. Her limbs felt very heavy and it was all she could do to keep standing. She knew, though, that she must not give into the tiredness that threatened to overwhelm her. She must stay awake.
“I’m little teapot, short and stout,” she sang to herself in her quiet rough voice, trying to keep her mind alert.
“Here is my handle, here is the…top? Cup?” She couldn’t remember. It was difficult to think, all she could concentrate on was how cold she was.
She felt tired, fatigued, she couldn’t stay standing any longer; her body was using all her energy to keep her alive, to keep her vital organs functioning. After feebly kicking away the fragments around her she let herself slide down the wall, lowering herself into sitting position and painfully forced her cold muscles to draw her knees to her chest. Her eyes felt heavy and would drift shut, but she jerked them open again, it was the one thing Elena still had the energy to do; keep her eyes open.
It wasn’t long before she didn’t have the energy to do even that, laying her head upon her knees she let her eyes shut. Trying to keep out the pain and the cold, she let herself sleep. She was too cold, too drained, to keep fighting.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there.
First of all, you did well in creating intrigue near the end. We all want to know what will happen next, obviously, and that is really the most important part. Good job!
The first four paragraphs however, though not poorly done, are not really effective. Alluding to other people such as Amanda takes away from the present action. Since, at least in this portion of writing, Amanda is not that important, leaving her out would make the work more crisp and less confused.
Also, just a small thing, but you should at least once clearly state what Elena is doing at the beginning of the piece. I know you've hinted at it pretty well, but while readers in general aren't stupid, they can be lazy. They might not take the time to figure out what the situation is, and thus only have a vague idea of what is going on in general. So it may just be easier to clearly say where she is, what the dough is for, etc.
The descriptions after Elena is trapped are very well done. I especially liked,
Introducing a sentence that on its own sounds very unusual makes the audience better aware that the situation is not a relaxed one. Liked this.
What exactly does she want to use the boxes for? To make noise? I only got that after reading over the lines a few times, so perhaps you could make it a little more clear.
All in all though, a good description. As I was reading it, at times I could feel the cold.
Thanks Dream Deep, you've given me a lot to think about and I have also realised that it has to be raining, absolutely pouring with rain. Why? because it has to, so no one hears hear, so no one is hanging around outside with the opportunity to hear her.
Ah. Congrats, dele24. You do better than me at this sort of thing.
Very well written. I could picture this hapening, but on occasion the dialogue seemed a little bit unbeleivable.
Here, for instance -
This woman is locked in a freexer, in vital danger of hypothermia/frostbite/DEATH IN GENERAL. I don't think she'd say out loud, 'I'll use the boxes then'. She would think it, obviously, but her saying out loud as if there was an audience kind of breaks up the flow. Also, do you need to write, 'like a croak'? Is it a croak or not? 'Like' is sort of uneeded, if you catch my drift.
I have to say, you really did an exceptional job in describing Elena in so few paragraphs.
This tells us volumes about Elena as a person, not as a character: Though she does not particularly love her job, though Amanda is sick and she should have been gone two hours ago, Elena stays to finish the job, looking forward to leaving but not doing a poor job because of it. This is an aspect of character strength that I think is reflected rather well in the freezer: rather than giving up right away, laying down and dying, Elena fights, screams, tries desperately to live. Well done, here.
The fact that you mentioned that the outside freezer seemed "much colder and intimidating than the outside one" foreshadows the events to come in a manner not to obvious but sufficiently noticeable.
I really liked the ending, her singing a childhood rhyme to keep herelf alert. I used that same idea in a novel once.
Once again, very good, but are you sure this is how Elena would react in this situation? Is there a way you can get across her terror a little more dramatically? i don't know, just a suggestion.
All in all, I thought it was great. Just make sure her reactions are a little more... true to form I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Well done! _/)