“It’s your turn Kirsten, truth, Dare, Donkey dare, Love, kiss, Life?” I shouted with excitement!
“Um Truth” Kirsten whispered to me I could tell that she didn’t like to be the centre of attention. The only reason why she joins in is because everyone else does. It’s not as if these dares are like dangerous or anything. They are just ways to find out gossip.
“Oh no here comes the head, quickly hide the bottle and get out the classroom”, Jack shouted, Jack’s my ex. We went out after a game of spin the bottle but it was also spin the bottle that ended it. The head always comes round every lunch time to check that everyone is outside and that no one made any mess when they eat, and today was no exception. So I walked out of the classroom with Sarah as usual. Sarah’s my best friend we spend all our time together. But before too long we had to walk in again for it was lesson time again.
“Maths and double biology” I cried. I hated lessons especially maths.
We play spin the bottle every lunch time. It’s a class thing. We never do anything stupid though. We’re not that kind of people. Our school is normal. It’s actually really boring nothing ever happens here.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy well that sounds like quite the entertaining game there. I don’t believe I have seen spin the bottle with quite that many options before. I do love it though, as ridiculous as it does sound because it sounds far more like a class tradition the more ridiculous and oddly specific something like this sounds. So, I’d say this one’s a pretty solid opening here.
Okayy well that sounds like quite the entertaining game there. I don’t believe I have seen spin the bottle with quite that many options before. I do love it though, as ridiculous as it does sound because it sounds far more like a class tradition the more ridiculous and oddly specific something like this sounds. So, I’d say this one’s a pretty solid opening here.
That one’s a bit random there. The detail about the ex while it does add on quite nicely as far as the tiny bits of backstory of a piece are concerned, it feels like a bit of a random throwaway line in the context of the piece here because you do seem to be attempting to create some sense of tension there and that gets a bit ruined by this random declaration.
Aaand well as far as endings go that one happens to be a little bit meh there. It once again seems to go off on a bit of a tangent there. I feel like that then ends up making this whole thing feel a little more disconnected that it really should and as a result we then end up not really able to fully make sense of it. I think you need to take a second to think about this a little more here to try and connect it all a bit more seamlessly.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi,
Since your piece was kind of short, I can't help you much, but I did find some errors;
“It’s your turn Kirsten, truth, Dare, Donkey dare, Love, kiss, Life?” I shouted with excitement!
I would try making this into two sentences. "It's your turn Kirsten. Truth, dare"...
Also I wouldn't put an exclamation point after excitement, it doesn't fit.
“Um Truth”
Comma after "Um"
"Kirsten whispered to me I could tell that she didn’t like to be the centre"
Needs a comma after "to me". Also did you mean center?
"Jack shouted, Jack’s my ex."
This phrase didn't sound right, I would try changing it a bit.
"The head always comes round every lunch time to check that everyone is outside and that no one made any mess when they eat, and today was no exception."
This line starts a new paragraph.
"Sarah’s my best friend we spend all our time together."
You need a comma after "friend".
"But before too long we had to walk in again for it was lesson time again."
I wouldn't but again in the same sentence twice.
"I hated lessons especially maths."
Comma after "lessons".
"It’s actually really boring nothing ever happens here."
Comma after "boring".
~Tayla