The days went by slowly. Just as I had hoped. For I was dreading the moment when I would have to leave forever. This had been my life, for a number of years now, and I wasn’t willing to drop it all that easily. I wasn’t quite ready, for the big change that my father had in store for me. At least I didn’t think I was, for I don’t know what he has planned. But somehow I don’t think it will be to my liking.
You see Father’s a mysterious man, not like any other. As I remember him, as he was before, he was secretive. Very sly and cunning, and not someone you would like to be enemies with. He’s always looked older than he is. I recall his hunched back, which was only there out of his own doing. His foul mood was permanent, and he could never take a joke. It’s going to be hard to create fun there.
It’s going to be a big change, and I have less than twenty four hours until I leave, I hope that I am ready and prepared to leave all this behind, and take one more step into the world. It really is going to be a tough challenge, which could be overcome, with patience and nerves. Tonight, I think it would be a good idea if I rung Katie (my youngest sister), for she has been spending time with father recently. Maybe she could give me some helpful advice, and tell me a bit about what he’s like.
I don’t want to keep worrying about tomorrow; it will only end up badly. It’s a challenge to get to sleep when you have unhealthy thoughts on your mind. It might help to remember my good times as a nanny, with the sweet children, who cheek their way through the world, yet still succeed. But yet, I cannot help to love them, with their gorgeous and charming ways. But to see them happy, could make my day, even if something bad had happened.
Whatever I think about the children, no matter how much I care about them, and how I want to remember them. I am afraid I will forget, forget everything, and I don’t know why. All I can think about at the moment is my future, which is so unclear. It’s really annoying, it’s the only thing keeping me awake now, stopping me from dreaming, of pleasant things.
But there are too many questions running through my head, it’s impossible to get close the some rest. Too many questions unanswered, too many things unclear. Too many things I don’t understand. But over and above all, what I really don’t understand is the fact that I don’t even remember agreeing to help him out, to look after him. I haven’t spoken to him in years, no contact. All my information comes from Katie now. Although, I don’t really talk to her much, she’s busy all the time, but I’m not surprised, she talks to our whole family, and when there are so many who can blame her? But something strange is about to happen, I can feel it and I really don’t like where it’s heading.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm..well this is an intriguing start. There's a certain sense of impending doom that's just lying in the background which really hangs over you as a reader and that's definitely a good thing. This couples quite well with the sort of rough introduction you're giving there to set the scene to really create a very neat opening here. It definitely does the job of opening this story very well.
Okay we're taking a slight dip away from the idea of impending doom that we had hanging over there with some slightly softer memories there. Its an interesting contrast but one that works well I think to highlight the sort of event that could be taking place as hinted at by the earlier bit. On the whole this is proceeding rather solidly here.
Hmm well that's quite an intriguing ending. We went down a bit of a dark tangent there for a second after starting out slightly more on the happier side of things. It certainly is quite an intriguing situation to end on and a nice little cliffhanger to make you want to find out what happens next. Well all in all, this is a solid start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I believe for a 14 year old your write rather well.
Just make sure your not using the same word frequently and you should be good, Keep up the good work. Try reading your story aloud once in awhile to make sure it sounds good. Okay pleasant day hon.
This was an interesting piece. You have a voice that as, mentioned above, seems to be emulating a traditional voice, however frequent awkward phrases seems to make it less powerful. As for the story itself, it would be great to get to read a little bit more. While it is interesting, with no real payoff, the story seems a bit long, a bit dragged out.
Here are a few things I noticed.
I wasn’t quite ready, for the big change that my father had in store for me.
-get rid of the comma after ready.
I recall his hunched back, which was only there out of his own doing.
-elaborate on this, tell us more.
There is something weird with the tenses, they don't quite match up properly, which is a big problem.
It’s a challenge to get to sleep when you have unhealthy thoughts on your mind.
-This is nice.
Overall, this has potential, it certainly needs some revision though. I would also love to see a bit more, it would really help me enjoy this if it could be put in a larger context.
Keep up the good work!
whoops! sorry about that ...must've pressed the wrong button. Anyway, what I was saying was that the writing was aiming to be traditional but it had some modern phrases. So.. you can replace a few words.....and drop the apostrophes of the contractions and spell out the whole word. Because when it's mixed together it's sort of scattered and disorganized. For example:
original:he could never take a joke. It’s going to be hard to create fun there.
can be: you can never coax a laugh out of him....
original: it would only end up badly
can be: it would only end badly
This is a little confusing:
original:Whatever I think about the children, no matter how much I care about them, and how I want to remember them.
do you mean: Whenever I think about the children and how much I care about them, I want to remember.
original: it's annoying
can be: it's discomforting (or disconcerting or irritating)
...or something like that.
original:But there are too many questions running through my head, it’s impossible to get close the some rest.
can be: There are so many questions running through my head, it is impossible to get close to some rest.
I get the feeling that this piece should have been sort of traditional but it'
[quote]Whatever I think about the children, no matter how much I care about them, and how I want to remember them.