How many times does a girl cry for her toy?
How many times does a boy beg for sweets?
How many times does a teenager nag for money?
There's more to life than this.
How many times do you get angry to quickly?
How many times do you cry for no reason?
How many times do you think life is unfair?
There's more to life than this.
How many times do you see death?
How many times do you see the poor?
How many times do you see starvation?
This is the real world, your life is heaven compared to this.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Strong idea there but,as I told you before, please start expanding and put some conviction into this.
darko.demark666 did most of the explanation which i guess wrapped up your whole poem, so I'll leave it at that.
How many, how many, how many...stop already-boring and...well...boring. You're repeating and it's not nice to read. It's like you're standing in front of some car with alarm on.
All in all, you really got some point here. "There's more to life than this." Nice. But you started so sweet and childish(but very mature also!), you traveled back in time and reminded us of all those stuff that we did, or we still do sometimes, and then-in the second stanza-you listed some abstract things that changed the sense of the poem. I would rather be in childhood than thinking about crying or unfair things (too many of that).
The last stanza is so true, but it's esthetically lousy. The very last verse is too long and that hurts the rhythm. I also see how you gradually introduced us into some important things and now I see why we can't be in childhood all the time. I suggest you write a stanza or two so this can be much better. If you're going to write about things like life and death, you need to write at least...erm...two of your lives. This is very inspirational theme and for me death is like leitmotiv in every kind of poem, book, story, and life. I also think that death may be stronger than Chuck Norris.