Temptation forces
them onto the rocks,
catching sandcastles
on the way through.
But for a brainless thing
it does not matter
to hurt the poor,
innocent souls of the world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey!!!!
This is actually quite good! Some poems that are this short tend to not bring out its meaning fully enough, which leaves the reader confused. This, on the other hand, is perfect this size. Good job!
Okay, a couple of things here and there.
Forces isn't a really powerful word in this line. Bear might be on to something with the "drags" though.....
This actually made no sense to me. It sounds awkward, and it disrupts the flow of the poem. I would suggest rewriting this line.
Yeah, like Bear, I would cut these three lines out. They don't help your poem at all.
Otherwise, great job! This has a ton of potential.
Keep up the good work!
zOe
defendthelegend,
This, in its shortness, is actually quite stirring and good. I have but a few comments on this poem:
Temptation forces >> 'forces' isn't a very powerful image. I would actually change that word to "drags". That word would personify "temptation", which is something you did on the third line.
them onto the rocks, >> Here's a good time to add some description. What type of rocks are they? How do the waves feel under rocks?
catching sandcastles >> My favorite line in this poem.
on the way through.
But for a brainless thing >> These last three lines don't do justice for the end of this poem. For one, it doesn't make sense at all. I really think that you could make this epically awesome. You are doing awesome so far, but I have just a few suggestions.
it does not matter
to hurt the poor,
innocent souls of the world.
Cut those last three lines. Like I said, they don't do the poem justice. Continue what you were doing with the beginning of the poem, which is personification. Those few lines that you had were absolutely amazing, and I really hope that you draw out this poem into something a bit longer, but not terribly long. I like how short this is, because it shows that you can conjure up feelings in a small amount of time.
Keep writing, and I hope you draw out this poem! PM me if you do.
-Jared