Lies

defendthelegend wrote:“Back from school already?” my mum questioned me with suspicion. [Don't really need the "with suspicion."]

“I am always home this early,” I shouted [why's the character yelling?] back to my mum, muttering the words under my breath “but you are never there.” [good job at setting up conflict]

“What was that” my mum screamed back, [period would work better here] I didn’t dare reply, for I knew she was in one of these [those] moods.

“No wonder you want to know,” [this bit of dialogue seems a little unnatural, maybe delete it and just have the internal monologue] I thought, secretly she was the reason why I had come home, but I daren’t tell her, for she would ramble on about who earns the money, cleans the house and looks after you [your] little sister.

I didn’t want to cause her any problems though, she’s in a hyper mood, meaning she is [the underlined bit could be deleted, to help the sentence flow better] just about to leave the house and pay a visit the pub, where all her drink buddies will be waiting, or it could be Bob, trying to win her over again that’s what always happens when she acts like this! [this whole paragraph should be split into different sentences. Too long.]

To me Bob is Bob, I never referee [refer] to him as Dad, I try to keep our relationship formal, and that way I can’t get hurt, like before [seems like your spelling it out too much here. should try and show that that's why the character doesn't call him Dad instead of saying it, otherwise it comes out too stiff.]. He might find Mum easy to please, but to get passed [past] me he’s got to have a lot more brains than that.

I wish that Bob would just leave our family alone, that way no one can [could] get hurt. He and Mum have been in an on off relationship long before I was born, and each time, Mum gets hurt, but every time, she accepts his apology and winds him back in.

Mum thinks that he [she] is nothing without him, and we are here to help him, but I know for a

Hey, good start at forming the story. It seems like you need to work on the sentence structure and word choice, though. The way it is now makes it come off too stiff and doesn't really allow for much of the Characters voice to come in.
Also, it would be nice to know a bit more about the character, like how old is it or is it a boy or girl.

Overall , the thoughts in this seemed scattered . Like you were zoning out while writing . You reallyy need to stick to a certain tense or you risk confusing the reader to the point they ditch your story .

“Back from school already?” my mum questioned me with suspicion.

Instead of just saying " with suspicion " you should write " with narrowed eyes " or something to show her suspicion instead .

“I am always home this early,” I shouted back to my mum, muttering the words under my breath, “but you are never there.”

I am should probably be I'm , considering how awkward it sounds apart , and how old I'm assuming her to be . There should be a comma after breath , and there should be here since she is at home . Same thing with the contractions .

“What was that ?!” my mum screamed back[s],[/s]. I didn’t dare reply, for I knew she was in one of these moods.

Back seems unnecessary . Those moods not these .

“No wonder you want to know,” I thought, secretly she was the reason why I had come home, but I daren’t tell her, for she would ramble on about who earns the money, cleans the house and looks after you little sister.

I don't understand this at all . What is " no wonder you want to know " supposed to mean ?

I didn’t want to cause her any problems though[s],[/s]; she’s in a hyper mood, meaning she is just about to leave the house and pay a visit the pub, where all her drink buddies will be waiting, or it could be Bob, trying to win her over again that’s what always happens when she acts like this!

Semi-colon or a period . Way long run on sentence . "She's in a hyper mood, meaning she is just about to leave the house and pay a visit to the pub. The good old pub where all her drinking buddies will be waiting . Or maybe Bob , trying to win her over again . That's what always happens when she acts likes this . "

Bob’s my dad, but he’s never here[s],[/s]; well, he’s always here, but not for me! He spends half his life trying to win back mum, and the other half with God knows who, and God knows where. That’s the kind of man he is!

Semi colon or a ellipsis . Wait , so if he is at the house for the mother , wouldn't that mean that the Mother let him in ? So technically that's giving in ?

To me Bob is Bob, I never referee to him as Dad[s],[/s]. I try to keep our relationship formal, and that way I can’t get hurt, like before. He might find Mum easy to please, but to get passed me he’s got to have a lot more brains than that.

Just grammar .

I wish that Bob would just leave our family alone, that way no one can get hurt. He and Mum have been in an on off relationship long before I was born, and each time, Mum gets hurt[s],[/s]; but every time, she accepts his apology and winds him back in.

Try to find a synonym for hurt ( Thesaurus.com ) . You used that phrase in the above paragraph . I think that but would sound better as yet . Were you trying to say winds up letting him back in ?

Mum thinks that he is nothing without him, and we are here to help him[s],[/s]. but I know for a fact that’s untrue[s],[/s]. I see him with all these ladies at night, drink in one hand, the lady in another, walking back to her place. To him we are just a back up when his life goes wrong, because he knows that Mum accepts him[s],[/s]. he feels secure with us because, he knows Mum trusts him.

It should either be " she is nothing without him " or " he is nothing without her " . I think it'd sound better as " a lady in the other " .

I try and try to pretend for Mum, and each time I fail, [s]and every time[/s] she says to me , “Why can’t you give your father a chance[s],[/s]?” But she doesn’t understand, it’s not easy for me, I can’t just love him. I barely like him, even as a nobody, so I don’t know what she expects me to do , but it won’t happen.

Punctuate that sentence or get rid of the crossed out part .

Bob doesn’t love me, even if he did he has a funny way of showing it, for he never tells me it, he never calls me his baby, or his honey or even my name. He just says “Oi, can you go and get your mum?”, or “Oi, is your Mum around?”. Every time I explain it to Mum, she always has an excuse like , “ You are too young to understand what goes through his head Eve,” or “Give him a chance, at least he is speaking to you[s],[/s]. It’s hard enough the way you treat him anyway”. I mean, why can’t she ask him to make an effort, “at least he speaks to you”, what kind of excuse do you think that is?

Maybe , " Bob doesn't love , or so I assume . Because if he does , he has a funny way of showing it . " Then on to the next sentence .

As I said before, she thinks that I am too young to understand everything[s],[/s]. I am not a baby, like Louise, I do know what is going on, and it is affecting my childhood. She really doesn’t understand why I have to lie so much about my family, and why I always come home so early. She doesn’t know that my friends think I am eating at a restaurant with my Mum because I am so close to her, she doesn’t even realise how I wish that would happen, how I wish I could get the chance to just spend some time alone with her.

The sentence seems a bit long , so maybe " I am not a baby , like Louise . I do know what is going on , and it's affecting my childhood . " or , " I am not a baby . Unlike Louise , I do know what is going on , and it's affecting my childhood . "



Use of Language .
Not spectacular . You should look at thesaurus' ( just make sure you know what the word means ) and find synonyms for some of the your text . Explore new verbs . Try getting rid of all the is' and dead verbs that don't paint a picture in the reader's mind .

Character Development .
I didn't like any of the characters . And , trust me , I like characters very easily . But I didn't even know who was narrating until halfway through , and she just stated things without much opinion . The mother , I think , you should make more needy . Show just how easily she gives in , or how she cries when he's not around . They were kind of just boring . The father didn't seem all that terrible to me . Maybe explain the beer Eve always smells on his breath , or the way he runs his fingers through his greasy hair as he stares at women . Put more life in them .

Plot .
There was none .
Really , this was just a girl telling what's happened . There was no conflict , no resolution , barely any action . A character needs to want something and go after it . Then that's a story .


I'm terribly sorry at how mean I was . D:
I just tried to put myself in editor mode , and gee did I ever ! :/
Write on , my friend !

Hey, defendthelegend! I'm back to review the first chapter.

defendthelegend wrote:“Back from school already?” my mum [s]questioned[/s] questions me with suspicion.

“I am always home this early,” I shout[s]ed[/s] back [s]to my mum[/s], muttering [s]the words[/s] under my breath, “but you are never [s]there[/s] here.”

“What was that?” my mum [s]screamed[/s] screams back, I didn’t dare reply, for I knew she was in one of [s]these[/s] those moods.

“No wonder you want to know,” (I would change this to italics; it properly separates the thought from the conversation.) I [s]thought[/s] think ; secretly she [s]was[/s] is the reason why I [s]had[/s] came home, but I daren’t tell her, for she would ramble on about who earns the money, cleans the house and looks after you (You could possibly change this to "my" little sister, but if you don't want to then make this "your".) little sister.

I [s]didn’t[/s] don't want to cause her any problems though, she’s in a hyper mood, meaning she is just about to leave the house and pay a visit the pub, where all her drink buddies will be waiting. Or it could be Bob, trying to win her over again that’s what always happens when she acts like this!

(Before I go any further, I think you should decide if you are going to write this in present or past tense. Because you are confusing me as a reader. Here are examples from your writing for each:

Past: "I am always home this early," I shouted back to my mum, muttering the words under my breath, "but you are never there."

"Shouted" meaning "I did shout" not "I am shouting" which would be present tense.

Present: "I didn't want to cause her any problems though, she's in a hyper mood, meaning she is just about to leave the house and pay a visit to the pub, where all her drink buddies will be waiting . . ."

"She is" meaning exactly that: at the present moment she is doing this, instead of "she did" meaning "she did that then". You see what I'm saying? I don't know which one you are going for, but I'm going to go back and change what I read to present tense, because I've read more of that than I have of past tense.)

Bob’s my dad, but he’s never here. Well, he’s always here, but not for me! He spends half his life trying to win back Mum, and the other half with God knows who, and God knows where. That’s the kind of man he is!

To me Bob is Bob, I never [s]referee[/s] refer to him as Dad. I try to keep our relationship formal, and that way I can’t get hurt, like before. He might find Mum easy to please, but to get passed me he’s got to have a lot more brains than that.

I wish that Bob would just leave our family alone, that way no one can get hurt. He and Mum have been in an on off relationship long before I was born, and each time, Mum gets hurt, but every time, she accepts his apology and winds him back in. (Each time he what? Gets caught cheating? Drinks himself to oblivion? Instead of leaving it at "an on and off" relationship, gives us just a little more to work with.)

Mum thinks that she is nothing without him, and we are here to help him, but I know for a fact that’s untrue. I see him with all these ladies at night, drink in one hand, the lady in another, walking her (?)back to her place. To him we are just a back up when his life goes wrong, because he knows that Mum accepts him, he feels secure with us because, he knows Mum trusts him.

I try and try to pretend for Mum, and each time I fail, and every time she says to me “Why can’t you give your father a chance?” but she doesn’t understand. It’s not easy for me, I can’t just love him. I barely like him, even as a nobody, so I don’t know what she expects me to do but it won’t happen.

Bob doesn’t love me, even if he did he has a funny way of showing it, for he never tells me it, he never calls me his baby, or his honey or even my name. He just says “Oi, can you go and get your mum?”, or “Oi, is your Mum around?”. Every time I explain it to Mum, she always has an excuse like “ You are too young to understand what goes through his head, Eve,” or “Give him a chance, at least he is speaking to you, it’s hard enough the way you treat him anyway”. I mean, why can’t she ask him to make an effort. “At least he speaks to you”, what kind of excuse do you think that is?

As I said before, she thinks that I am too young to understand everything. I am not a baby, like Louise, I do know what is going on, and it is affecting my childhood. She really doesn’t understand why I have to lie so much about my family, and why I always come home so early. She doesn’t know that my friends think I am eating at a restaurant with my Mum because I am so close to her, she doesn’t even realise how I wish that would happen, how I wish I could get the chance to just spend some time alone with her.

OVERALL: This is good; it has great perception and it seems real. Plus I am starting to get the part about the lying. But most of this is character reflection, when the character or the narrator explains a bunch about what's going on without dialogue or movement. I think it would be better if you had her go up in her room and look around, describing what she sees, and during that have her reflect. Just having this info-dump is slightly discouraging.

Plus, I think you definitely need to decide which tense you are using, and stick to it. Obviously a different one is going to slip out when you zone out, but try and keep it consistent. Also: be mindful of your commas. You seem to think they do the same thing as periods, but they don't. Keep an eye on them.

Hope this helped. PM me with any questions.

~Sunny

I really liked this - it seemed very realistic and the emotions were portrayed just right. Just a few things:

I thought, secretly she was the reason why I had come home, but I daren’t tell her, for she would ramble on about who earns the money, cleans the house and looks after you little sister.

You mean your little sister?

I never referee to him as Dad,

I don't know if this makes sense. Maybe you meant 'refer'?...

He might find Mum easy to please, but to get passed me he’s got to have a lot more brains than that.

'to get past me' is correct

Mum thinks that he is nothing without him,

I think you mean 'we are nothing without him'...

That's all I could find
I hope you continue with this story, it's really good!