There are things in life like freezing cold.
And i'm talking not about crazy wind in the outside.
I'm talking about Sunday evening,
when you are sitting in your bath,
where you try your hardest to feel warm.
You put that hot water on your body,
your skin is burning,
but you can't feel nothing just cold.
And when you realize; it's cold in the inside.
And that desperatly trying to feel warm doesn't help.
It's hot around you, but you feel so cold.
Please, make me warm.
Send away that winter from my inside.
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hi there, defectozord!
This piece has the potential to be quite lovely, but I think you drive you point a little too hard for it to be completely effective. In poetry, there's most certainly a need for breathing room and a place for readers to draw their own inferences. Atop this, there's also a need for clarity of your own thoughts, whereas here they feel rather jumbled and repetitive. You use the word cold so, so much. So much.
Experiment with changing up your sentence structure, your idea presentation, and your word choice, and I'm sure you'll be happy with the results.
Secondarily, I want to address the absolute notes of utter dependency in this piece that permeate every biiiiit of it. There's no exploration of alternative means of feeling whole and warm; it's only by feeling this person's love that you can feel complete, and that's horribly dusty and tired. Experiment here and shake it up. Or lean into it. Own it. You're the poet.
All the best,
Ty
It is a really good review, it will definitely have an influence in my poems. Thank you so much!
Hello there! Im Menusha.
Firstly, i love your poem. It creates suspense in the begining of the poem and at last you blow it off by the end of the poem. I like the twist and how you brought out the coldness of the heart indirectly. "Your skin is burning" i love that part because its damn true that no matter how much physically hurt you are...it still doesnt match for the pain you feel from the inside. This is a very mortal theme we all face.
All in all its a really good poem. Good luck!
Hi, Menusha!
Your review means a lot to me, thank you!