Dear girl in the avocado green,
I am connecting the dots of your moles
I see mountains, with a passionate sea
an umbrella in the sand, where young lovers meet
A Native man's profile
his nose strong, yet oblique
A high heel, crushing a gigantic bug, how chic
A vine tangled alone,
in a moss covered tree
The rise of a sweet aroma, stopping everyone
in the French streets.
Your moles are motion
telling a tale,
one after another.
Sincerely,
the girl two seats behind you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,402 Literary Works • 673,161 Reviews
Hello!
I feel like you are missing an opportunity to use some nice language here. I would mention constellations, if I were you, but that's a personal preference, I suppose.Oh my goodness. Mole. Avocado. Guacamole. I laughed quite hard.
I really liked this poem! The images are refreshing. They made me think about things that I don't, normally, and it was lovely.
That being said, I have a few suggestions that might make it better.
I feel like you need a bit more punctuation. Some of your sentences are grammatically correct, and some things just float out into space with no stops or anything. You should at least make your punctuation consistent throughout the whole poem.
How is the sea passionate? I think you should use a different word here. I don't know quite what a passionate sea is. It's difficult to visualize, unlike your other images.
This one isn't like the others because it is hard to see how it connects to the subject of the poem. Create more of a connection between the girl and this image. After all, it's about her, isn't it?
This is the only place that the poem fell completely flat for me. It felt like such a cop out. You turn the focus back to the narrator, when I'd rather that the focus stayed on the girl the whole time. I'd try to figure out something that would make the poem exit more gracefully. As it is, it jerks us out of the lovely images back to reality, and I want to be in the fantasy for a bit longer.
Altogether, I really liked your images and the way you put this together. It needs a bit of polishing, but what poem doesn't? I hope that this proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Hey, there! Asteria here with a review!
Now, as a person who has spent their fair share of time connecting their own moles or freckles, this piece made me laugh while taking me on a trip down memory lane. I loved the image of mountains, seas, even a person's visage being found within the dots upon the skin.
My only question would be about punctuation. I see that you have a period after "French streets" as well as "after another," and when you end the poem. However, there are a plethora of commas and no other periods to be seen. Was that a stylistic choice? One meant to be read aloud with natural pauses where the lines ended, and not ended overall until a period was reached?
Either way, it didn't affect how it read, and I thought that it was a humorous and image-evoking read.
Job well done!
Thank you for your review! The whole situation with the punctuation is I'm not very good with my grammar when it comes to poetry but in general, I'm good with grammar. I'm just a beginner. Thank you again.
Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed. I honestly was just very thoughtful on my word choice.