Fatherless daydreams

Putting aside the things Deetea mentioned, this poem brings out really personal feeling, as if you're trying to show us a perspective from your view, or let us get a peek into your world, rather than tell a story. But don't get me wrong, there is a story, and it is good, its just this is one of those works that focus on the concept and message, than whats actually happening, begging for a deeper look.

My two favorite parts are "Gravity-did not exist-and neither did the-pain of falling-or the humiliation you feel-when you get back up." and "tears in my eyes no clothes to take cover."

Hi Deetea,

Let's launch straight into this without any of that mucking about, shall we?

I like the simplicity of your language and the clarity of your message, or rather that by having such a clear, frank style you've made everything very easy to understand, your reader isn't at all confused by what you're trying to say.

In your second line you use "I seen" < I assume this is a typo of some kind? I hope it's not there to rhyme with the "dream" following it, because you don't rhyme anywhere else and rhyme is pretty gross on the whole. I don't know if I can support your line breaks through this - and I definitely can't support your ellipsis in that second line, you don't need it at all. Your line breaks are sketchy because they cause your reader to stop and start as they look through your poem. I can justify it by claiming that this is like the motion of the hypothetical flyer, with the falling and the drops and stops, but it is still something a bit uncomfortable for the reader to be looking at. Is this on purpose? If it isn't, I suggest rearranging your lines so that they even out a little more and you're not cutting the line at odd parts. We like to read things smoothly, as with any other text, and while poetry often looks different it doesn't mean we don't like to have that sense of even clarity that comes with neat lines.

For example "Gravity,

did not exist,

and neither did the

pain of falling,"

Could turn into "Gravity did not exist/and neither did/the pain of falling" or it could be "Gravity/did not exist and neither did/the pain of falling" I'd pick the first one, myself, but consider playing with the line breaks you've made and how they sound. I usually read my poem out aloud at least once to test how strong my line breaks are.

I actually think working out those line breaks will fix the issues I have with this poem. I'd usually talk about more description or imagery but this doesn't need either of those. You have a sweet little poem and I adore its simplicity. Let me know if you make any changes to this, I'd like to read it again.

Thanks for posting!
- Penguin.