Published November 17, 2011
Removed at request of author.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I really liked how you described everything. I got confused with all the people, but when I realized that it was in a Diary kind of form...I understood it more.
In part of the story you put ---dare I say it--- May be you could change the - to ... as it is more effective.
...dare I say it? Hormones.
But I really enjoyed it. I really think you should update it and let me know what happens to this short romance story
Eliza Wards
Hi there!
The only glaring problem on this is I see no connection between what the narrator thinks of Wren and what she thinks of Arnie. It looks like a part of a novel. I'm kinda confused. Is she jealous of Wren? Does she think Arnie likes Wren or something? And if she thinks Arnie's cute why does she start off by criticizing him?
That's really the only thing you have to clear up, otherwise this was nice.
Hi! Truth is stranger than fiction, right?
So, it's good to see you undertake this kind of project! 
) doesn't actually know who you are, especially if we don't know you personally. So, the place where you start (basically, criticizing Wren) seems a little out of place. What makes it even more out of place is that, after criticizing Wren, I was kind of expecting a story that was with you versus Wren, but it doesn't seem like it's that at all. Well, at least not yet. Maybe you and Wren will have to fight for Arnie? I don't know!
So, I'll be the first one to admit that I love these juicy kinds of romances, especially if it's based on reality()!!) My friends make fun of me because of this all the time, but frankly, I don't matter. It all works out, right?
Anyway, just a couple of things! You need to bring out you more. This probably sounds obvious, but at the beginning of the story, the average dumb reader (that's me!
Another thing... Arnie. From the way it's written, it makes it sound like the only reason why you're going after Arnie is because he's going to be in another high school. Which is kind of weird because you have this story about how Arnie and you are friends! So, I think you should expand on this a bit more, because it'll make Arnie's and your relationship seem a lot more meaningful. I mean, that is the catalyst that causes this whole courtship thing. But, let's know the background of it!
So, basically, take a step back. I know that you want to get into the interesting stuff, but if you're writing for readers, assume that they are stupid and don't really know who you are at all. That way, we can get to know you (along with the rest of the cast and crew!) much better.
Hey deelish!
After coming back to read this for a second time, I perplexed. If they're sitting at a table together, Wren would have to be quite short for the narrator to be peering down at her. Across the table, maybe. But down seems odd. It confused me about the setting when I first read this line.
Short fiction is best when stuff is happening, so in general, avoid wasting any words to say that, well, nothing is happening! If nothing interesting goes on in Literature class other than a way to bring up Arnie, Elise, and Wren (which appears to be the case) then I'd suggest you spend those words talking about somewhere/sometime when conflict is evident.
Watch out for adverbs-- they can be pesky little things, sneaking up and making your prose feel like you're telling instead of showing. What does it mean to write delicately? How does her hand, or how do the letters, look on the page? What does the excessively-taped workbook look like?
Who are the referring to here? The last person mentioned was Mrs. Walton, but that doesn't really make sense. I'd stick a name here for clarification.
Nice imagery! A good use of a simile.
Perhaps you could show us his reply-- it seems odd to say "he replies" without giving any dialogue. It's akin to reading a book where "Harry said something, and then Ron nodded and responded with a whisper." We want to know what's being exchanged!
One thing to keep in mind-- I find that when teens are aware and used to a certain place, they abbreviate. For example, when talking about a school called McAllister Heights High School, my friends and I would never use its full name. We'd call it MH or McAllister or something. This character would probably only ask, "Arnie, are you going to Fullerton?"
Hmm, this is intriguing-- what does it mean to be going in blind as opposed to going in with sight, so to speak? This suggests that the character has gone onto the battlefield before, just not blind. Consider expanding or clarifying this statement if you wish to keep it there.
This is posted in the Short Story section, but by your author note, it seems perhaps you meant this to be the first section of a long work? I can't be sure. Either way, I feel like this needs to stronger to make any real impact. My issues is not with the writing, which I enjoyed, but rather with the subject matter. Frankly, nothing happens here. I didn't even realize the narrator liked Arnie until she came out and said it, which means you're not conveying her emotions enough. Readers don't want to be handheld and told that X likes Y; we want to be presented with the evidence of X smiling shyly and Y and stumbling over their words. If this story is about the narrator's feelings for Arnie, they must be strong, otherwise the story will sink.
Instead of this in-between introduction thing, pick an event (not background story, not introspection, not a segway into introducing important characters, but an actual occurrence) and use that as your opening. It should be relevant but gripping-- something charged wit enough conflict and plot to engage us in the story. Because that's what I'm missing right now: a reason to read on. So this girl sits in Literature class with a guy she likes and a popular girl who highlights her hair. It's interesting, but you as the author need to make me care. And the best way to make me care is to make me worry about them. Best way to make me worry about them?
Overall, good job, keep writing, and PM me for anything!
~Evi