Published April 2, 2007
as the sun rises a new time begins
a time nerve seen before
a gentle breeze
a peaceful bird
a new world begins
as i walk i can hear lots of sounds
i look up into the sky i see the sun light sparkle in my eyes
so i carry on walking to reach the end of this wonderful dream
as i reach to open the door, the door won't open and as i soon turn around i see this was not a peacefull dream anymore but a terrible night....
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
It was alltogether good, you staryed from the topic a little, but even the best of writers do time to time.
keep writing!
-Brooke
I love the first 5 lines, but then you have
in there...This feels very out of character with the rest of the poem. I think it's the word "can" that does it, I'd rework/-word that. The next line I get back to loving it, and then This is so rushed! try and find way to keep the speed but I'd look at that line again. I can feel this frantic-ness when the door won't open so maybe separate the lines there I think if you just work on building the tension the frantic-ness comes through. What do you think?-Tangerine
The rhythm is a bit off, you go from short concise lines to much longer ones. It might work if they were different stanzas but it just stops the flow of the poem as it is now.
Those last few lines could be broken up into many more lines, that way it would retain the rhythm and sound a lot better. That last line is much too long.
Poem itself was good, some interesting description and the ending was controversial enough. Just break it up a little and it will be much better.