A world through hazy lenses (part 2)

My world was overturned the day you entered it, a whirlwind seeking out all sense, logic and reason, mercilessly destroying it. You were everything that I wasn’t, helping me do everything I couldn’t. You showed me how blind I had been all my life by lending me your eyes…

‘I hate you,’ I announced as I gazed at the receding blanket of white. ‘Today I truly hate you.’

An elbow nudged me playfully in the side.

‘Aw, don’t be like that. You’ll love it.’

I shook my head in disbelief as we continued to drift up the steep hillside. ‘How the hell did you talk me into this?’

I could almost hear Seb’s eyes roll in their sockets at my apparent lack of nerve.

‘Come on, Jade. You’ve got to live a little.’

I could feel my breathing quicken, prodding my heart to follow suit.

‘I do live. I love living. I don’t want to do this is because I want to keep living.’

Seb sighed beside me. ‘You’re not going to die, Jade. We will go nice and slow for you. This is an easy slope.’

‘This is easy?’ I just about shrieked the question. Yep, panic was definitely kicking in. A gloved hand gently grasped my chin and turned it so that I was looking at Seb instead of the very thin and unstable-looking instruments attached to my feet. He was grinning beneath his dark ski goggles and bright purple beanie. My anxiety couldn’t sway his exhilaration.

‘Calm down. Breathe. I will be right next to you the whole time. You will get the hang of it very quickly. You can skate, right?’

I nodded numbly.

‘Well if you can skate, you can ski. Get ready, now, our stop is coming up.’

I began to hyperventilate as our ‘stop’ approached.

‘Remember what we practiced down the bottom? You just stand up and slide over to a flat spot, okay?’ Seb reminded me. He grasped my hand with his as he raised the bar, but the action failed to have its usual calming affect, due to the fact that our hands were separated by three inches of insulation.

‘Okay, ready? One, two, three!’

I stood, against all my better judgement, which urged me to stay on the chairlift. My skies hit the snow and I began to slide. My feet slipped outwards as gravity pulled me downwards.

‘Seb!’ I cried, just as I felt an arm encircle my waist. One hand gripped Seb’s jacket desperately as I tried to regain my balance, the other held my ski poles. Stupid, flimsy things. Like they would be any help… Seb pulled me upright and quickly tugged me out of the way of the next skiers.

‘This way, silly,’ he said, and he led me to a ridge of solid snow.

‘You know, you should have worn snow boots if you aren’t going to utilise the skies properly,’ he commented as I stomped behind him. I glared at him.

‘Well whose fault is that?’ I snapped. He simply chuckled as he rounded to face me, making his movements look all too easy. But, of course, everything was easy for Seb.

‘Well done, you officially exited the chairlift unharmed,’ he cheered. I scowled at him as he applauded, the sound muffled by his gloves.

‘Unfortunately, you survived, too,’ I growled. Seb clucked his tongue and shook his head.

‘Now, now, no need to get bitey. You’ll thank me for making you do this when we get to the bottom.’

I snorted. ‘Doubt it.’

He gestured to the slope leering before us. It was relatively steep, the powdery snow interspersed with a few stout bushes and trees. Skiers, their clothes so bulky I couldn’t tell whether they were male or female, whizzed down towards the bottom at alarming rates.

‘Shall we?’

My knees began to tremble. The snow looked soft, but I knew otherwise from our practices. It was cold, hard and really hurt when you landed on it.

‘Isn’t there another way to get to the bottom?’ I pleaded. ‘I’m rather fond of full body mobility.’

‘Stop stalling and let’s go.’ He grasped my hand again and tugged me from the ridge and onto the slope, where gravity got to work right away. I turned my skies inwards, halting my slide. A skier whooshed past me, causing my stomach to jump into my throat, scrambling to get out of my inevitably doomed body.

‘I don’t want to do this,’ I moaned, my innards performing various escape attempts that left me feeling nauseas.

‘Here, we can keep to the edge and go as slow as you want,’ Seb assured and, keeping a firm grip on my hand, he slowly pulled me to the less-travelled edge of the ski slope.

‘Now, ready? I’m going to let go of your hand-’

‘No!’ I cried, holding tighter.

‘You can’t ski holding onto me. Come on, you were fine before.’

‘On the flat snow, and even then I fell down,’ I argued. Seb pried my fingers from him.

‘Honestly, it’s easier to find your own balance. Just take it as slow as you want,’ he assured me. He succeeded in releasing my grip and suddenly I was alone. I slammed my poles into the ground immediately, using them to balance me. Seb had already skied beyond my reach.

‘I hate you more now!’ I yelled as my poles started to lose their footing in the snow.

‘I’ll be right behind you,’ he called and abruptly I was moving. My poles evidently couldn’t be relied on. I was rushing down the slope, the slippery snow propelling me along. I shrieked. I was going too fast! Desperately, I snow-ploughed, trying to slow myself down. I felt my feet turn too far inwards and knew my skies were crossing over. Uh oh, not good I thought, and I felt my legs fly out from under me. My stomach lurched sickeningly in shock, before I hit the ground. The snow clawed at my face as I rolled over and over, my body assaulted from every angle. I felt my skies unattatch themselves from my boots, my ankle twisting awkwardly in the process. The pain spiked as I slammed into something, my tumbling halted.

I felt hands grabbing at me, rolling me over.

‘Oh my god, Jade? Jade! Are you hurt?! Come on, speak to me, Babe! Oh god, this is all my fault. Please, Jade, say something!’

‘Ouch,’ I groaned, my voice muffled by my jacket. Seb exhaled in relief as my eyes fluttered open.

‘Are you okay? Does anything hurt?’ he asked, his brow creased with worry.

‘Ugh, are you kidding? Everything hurts,’ I moaned. He laughed lightly, the sound of the slightly hysterical.

‘Can you move everything?’

I tested, wriggling each of my fingers and toes in turn, then moving on to my legs and arms.

‘Yes, but I don’t want to,’ I replied. He stroked my cheek tenderly.

‘You just lie still, I’ll go and get some help,’ he instructed.

‘No way! The snow is soaking through my pants and there is a big lump of ice getting all cosy down my back. I’m not staying here,’ I complained. Seb laughed again, the hysterical note almost gone. He cradled my head in his hands and kissed my forehead.

‘I love you,’ he said softly. I smiled, despite the throbbing pain in most areas of my body. I never grew tired of hearing him say those words.

‘I love you, too.’

He gently pressed his lips to mine, my favourite place for them to be.

‘But, if I’d died, it would have been your fault,’ I added.

Your mind and heart were as open as mine were closed, a shelter for all that is shiny and new. You wanted to experience everything, to create a lifetime worth of memories within a moment. And most amazing of all, you wanted to create them with me. But through your strengths bloomed your weakness, for while letting in the light, you let in the darkness…

The heat was stifling outside, even though the sun had long since set. The air conditioner battled with the temperature valiantly. Expectant cardboard boxes stood around the room, some already half-opened. A small pile of newspaper and discarded belongings rested next to the bed, having been hastily abandoned in their journey from the box to the bookshelf. I absently traced patterns on Seb‘s chest, chewing my bottom lip. The candles on our bedside table cast flickering shadows across his caramel skin.

‘I’m so glad you moved in,’ he murmured as he stroked my hair. I continued gnawing on my lip, my mind preoccupied. Seb placed a hand under my chin and tilted my face towards him.

‘What’s wrong, babe?’ he asked, his brows contracting with concern. I sighed.

‘I’m worried about you,’ I admitted.

‘Why?’ He ran his hand across my forehead, trying to smooth out the creases of anxiety.

‘I just… I don’t think I’m comfortable with what you and Tyler are getting into.’

Seb wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

‘There’s nothing to worry about, Jade. It’s just a bit of fun. It’s none of the serious stuff,’ he soothed. That’s what he said about everything. Nothing to fret over. You worry too much, you‘re going to go prematurely grey… Well, he never worried, so I had to do all the worrying for him. And generally, there was something to worry about… I shook my head.

‘I’m not so sure, Seb. I’ve seen how you get when you go without. And it might just be mild now, but what happens when Tyler gets into stronger stuff? I think you should stop-’ Seb pressed a finger to my lips.

‘Sweetheart, it‘s nothing, honestly. And if it does become more than just a bit of fun, I promise I’ll quit straight away. You just say the word, and that’ll be it.’

I stared pleadingly into his dark eyes. He smiled crookedly.

‘You’re so cute when you’re anxious.’

I poked my tongue out at him and he caught my chin in his fingers before I could turn my face away.

‘Come here, sexy thing,’ he said and pressed his lips hungrily to mine. I kissed him back, and he rolled over so that he was leaning over me.

‘You haven’t had enough yet?’ I whispered as I came up for breath.

‘Of you? Never,’ he breathed. My former worries were all but forgotten as I slipped into the closest thing I knew of heaven.