Chapter 2
Having a police escort did have its benefits. The common thugs and goons gave Jerret a wide berth once they saw the uniform. But one officer might not be enough to stop the Contractors if they found him. That’s the kind of life he now had since he made the strongest gang in the Gear City slums his enemies. But Jerret didn’t really have a choice when it came to the Contractors. They had given him a price that he wouldn’t pay and this was what he now got. Beatings at every chance they had, rogue fires threatening their homes, and social leprosy from any job that had the intelligence not to be damned.
But that was his life in a nutshell. Few had it easy here, and no one’s life was fair in the slums. As the two finally made it to Jerret’s house the metal tent flap slid up and out popped Shera. Like Jerret she was fair skinned with a good layer of dirt covering all those awful blemishes, brown hair that on its best days is disheveled and sticky with sweat, and wore ragged clothes that they took from the shelters or found in dumpsters (or off the dead). Unlike Jerret, Shera had a mind that got her out of trouble more than in. So when she saw the officer she tried to make a convincing show of respect with bowing her head and smiling and everything. Jerret saw through it and either the officer did as well or he just didn’t care because he had turned away and walked to the end of the alley, took a garbage can from the street, walked back, plopped it down and sat on it in front of the igloo. He eyed Jerret like a crazy dog straining to bust away. Jerret shrugged to Shera and pulled her back into the igloo. The Igloo was basically thin sheet metal bent to the shape of a dome. It was able to compact itself like an umbrella, making it easy for transportation. It was one of the few items Jerret possessed and a small comfort in a hard world.
Shera handed him a cold piece of bread, at least it was still soft, and a can with water in it, no doubt from one of the shops. Then she gave one of her ‘what the hell did you do now’ looks. All of a sudden the action of the day seemed to sap the energy out of Jerret. He needed sleep. It didn’t matter that it was still light out. Tomorrow he would probably be put to work for that crazy old hag. He just hoped he could pay the debt fast.
Jerret couldn’t waste time on pointless endeavors. Every day he spent fooling around with this was another day they spent hungry. And he couldn’t let Shera starve or go back to what she had done for food while Jerret was imprisoned for stealing.
So after Jerret told his sister about all the trouble these two loaves of bread cost him he said he needed to get some sleep for the following day of hardships. She nodded and moved the quilt they shared out so it covered the hard cobblestone. Jerret laid down facing the hatch and held his knife under the blanket in easy reach, just in case.
Shera slept cuddled into her brother to share as much of the natural warmth he gave off as she could. With their stomachs the fullest they had been in weeks, the two could not fend off sleep for long, murmuring good night while already between this world and the dream one.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
you might want to expand on the relationship between Shera and Jerret a little more. This would probably be a good point to give a little backround on them too: how did they get to this point in life? are they orphans? if so, why? did they run away from an orphanage or were they just left on the street? I guess I'm just kind of curious
. But otherwise, great work!
Heyo Death
Having a police escort
... kind of life he
...this world and
You know what I'm hear for.
But like always, I'm going to have to warn you, I haven't read the previous chapter, so if anything I tell you is already covered, please ignore me. Thanks
Alright, now I'm going to bug you with every nitpick I can find.
What? The first sentence? Tsk Tsk;
Spoiler
did havehad its benefits.Did have= Had. Remember that.
Oh, and here;
Spoiler
nowhad since he made...'Now had' doesn't make sense. 'Now' is the present and 'had' is the past.
And in the last sentence of that paragraph, I don't think 'social leprosy' is the right term. I know what you mean, but this just doesn't fit.
You could break the second paragraph into two or three separate paragraphs, and it would also keep the flow of the story going much better if you did. Perhaps before and after describing Shera would work.
There also seems to be a startling lack of dialogue, which may be the reason for the semi-messed up flow. You tend to repeat yourself in different ways a lot, most likely subconsciously to fill the empty space. Inserting dialogue would fill these voids and probably show you what sound redundant and what doesn't.
And the last sentence;
Spoiler
thea dream one.Saying 'the' would imply that that there is an actual dream world, which I'm almost positive there isn't.
I might have missed a few things, as I am in a rush, but your work was fairly well put together. While this chapter feels more like a prologue to something, it described enough for me to see events moving forward, and I was able to picture everything in my head quite clearly. if you had a strong point, it would be your descriptions. I'd work on your flow and use of dialogue, though.
All in all, great work. I hope to see more from you soon, so keep on writing
Hey there Deaththekid! I'm going to give you a quick review. My review won't be too in depth, because I haven't read the first chapter of your story. I'll mainly focus on nit picky details.
Sentence fluency is the way you word your sentences to make them clear, concise, and beautiful. Primarily you should shoot for clarity. I've singled out some sentences that I thought could be reworded a little better.
They had given him a price that he wouldn’t pay and this was what he now got.
In this sentence, 'got' at the end sounds off. I think you could reword it and it would read a little better.
Beatings at every chance they had, rogue fires threatening their homes, and social leprosy from any job that had the intelligence not to be damned.
I really like the 'social leprosy' description, but the first clause of this sentence sounded funny as well. It's because it is a dependent clause. That means it is a chunk of a group of words that needs to be attached to an independent clause to make sense and be a true sentence. It's uncommon to start a sentence with a dependent clause, and it usually sounds bad. I like the idea behind this sentence, but it could be executed better.
Like Jerret she was fair skinned with a good layer of dirt covering all those awful blemishes, brown hair that on its best days is disheveled and sticky with sweat, and wore ragged clothes that they took from the shelters or found in dumpsters (or off the dead).
I really like this description, but I don't like how it is worded. You have some great imagery going on, with a little bit of editing, it'll be even better!
Then she gave one of her ‘what the hell did you do now’ looks.
Don't forget your punctuation in the part that is in single quotes. Use capitalization and a question mark.
Now that I've gone all grammar Nazi, I really liked your story. You have some neat characters, I don't know much about them, but I haven't read the first chapter. That being said, it's best to establish a clear line of behavior that can be seen even in later chapters. I would've liked a bit more characterization. I think you have an interesting story here, keep up the good work!