Published October 9, 2007
I walked towards the door, it had no door knob so it opened easily, there was someone there, staring at me, almost as if she knew me. I walked towards her, slowly, to make sure she was friendly. She shot at me like a bullet through air. biting my neck. "Aarh!" I yelled as i felt venom being ejected into my neck. Then i woke up. It was all just a dream...
My name is Dani Amedees, I work for a medical testing facility in England, the name of the company I work for is Red Sky. It's one of the biggest manufacturing companies in the world. I am only 23 and I am not married, but I do have a girlfriend. My parents are both dead, they were killed in a car accident when I was 12 and I was raised by an old man by the name of John Stokes.
My job consisted of one thing, waiting. I am a guard. I was chosen to guard lab number 666, very scary i know, but hey! I bring home the bacon. The strange thing is, is that the scientist at Red Sky is starting to test on animals that have died from natural causes.
My first day at Red Sky was hell, allways running around trying to find everything. The hardest thing to find was the bathroom, I went in the womens bathroom two times! It was extremely embarrasing!
I walked into the kitchen. I hated eating breakfast because it allways gave me a stomache ache in the afternoon. So I grabbed a Granola-Bar. Then looked at the clock. I was late!
I ran to my bedroom, hoping I could get dressed fast enough. It was hard getting on bullet proof armor made to fit someone two times smaller than you! But i managed to get it on in three minutes. I have a very well-built body for being 23, but my line of work requires both brawn, and brains!
I went to reach for my handgun but I was gone! But i remembered that I had put it under my pillow for safety. I am a very paranoid person, I have to be, i see monkeis in high-heels and pandas with lipstick on!
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Come on, it's fast paced. Funny but fast paced.
Good job, but you had a major run-on in p.1.
OK, sop Kittykat pointed out a lot of mistakes but I'm also going to go over them
It's obvious that you have a talent for writing here - but I can't help but think that this opening was very bland - it could do some work on it and I think it could be sorted...anyway...here's what i found to say:
- KittyKat pointed out the parted about the capitals before, so i bolded them for you. The dream part is such a cliche way of opening a story - maybe you could have it as a prologue or just un explained - seperated by stars or a line break from the rest of the chapter?
- This is a little bit of an info-dump here. Is all this really needed in one go like that? We could find out about his life by actually being shown it. I'm also someone who info-dumps alllll the time so i realise how hard it is. But if you don't put it all in at once it makes the read much more enjoyable
- Here you switch topics and it seems quite odd, maybe you could have him in the kitchen before explaining his job - like when you say he was kate you could then describe the job, maybe? Just a thought
Anyway, you have great potential here, I look forward to reading the rest!
All the best,
Meevs x
I like it although it was a bit confusing, it sounds a litle like a movie I've seen but I don't remember the name.
I like that paragraph, a few spelling and grammar mistakes but pretty good. Hey, it was that paragraph that made me read this!I noticed that quite often you forgot to use a capial I, microsoft word changes that automatical but don't learn to depend on it!
I don't think you really need that at all, as you say the age again anyway, and at this point of the story we don't need to know his background too much.
Is it past tense or present? You need to decide which and stick with it the whole way through. And there is the little I again!
And I think the '!' is ment to go after the bacon...
Ok, this one really confused me, first of all scientists should be plural, and change is to are.
And second I just don't understand the whole testing on animals naturaly dead...
I might be wrong but I think you could ditch that whole pargraph.
I thought they were testing on dead animals, an un-dead monkey in high heels would make paranoid!
And monkies should be monkeys
Yeah and I didn't think the animals are actualy zombies, although it would be pretty cool if they were!