the game

Hey there, I'm WD! I am pleased to take a look at your poem.

This is an interesting piece, but I think if you're going to try and present an image to draw the reader in, it needs to be more vivid. Right now, I can see you as the victor and maybe feel a little bit of sweat, but I'm having a hard time relating to it and really feeling it! If the goal of this poem is to make me feel what you are feeling, we need more description like Moriah said. Appeal to the senses, make us feel, hear, see and experience that you are experiencing. One of the greatest things about poetry is its ability to completely immerse the reader in its message and image. So, when you are revising this, appeal to more of the senses.

Also, poetic device is your friend. In prose, the use of poetic device is limited, though not entirely absent. In poetry, it is all yours to mess with. So, when you are revising this, read poetry. Observe how poets work with rhythm and rhyme and use form and word to convey things. Dabbling in these things will make you a better poet and will generally improve your writing.

One last thing you want to consider is describing emotions. In this piece, you list off the emotions and thoughts of your speaker. 'knowing, wanting, trying, achieving'. But when you list it off like that, it appears bland! I don't feel any triumph with it because you have given me no way to relate to what you are saying! Images and appealing to my senses helps hear as well. When you're telling a story or creating an image, remember to make it personal to the reader. That way we begin to really start caring about what you're saying. And once the reader cares, you have an active audience.

Nice job here and keep writing! Can't wait to see more of your poetry! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

First thought? "I lost". If you don't understand that, good, don't try. It will eat your life.

Anyways, I enjoyed this. I don't think any sort of game needs to be specified. Currently it covers many types of games, which makes it more relatable. The feeling you get from it could be compared to several circumstances.

Good job and keep writing!

-Lauren

I wish you had described more of the game in this poem. How does it smell, taste, sound, feel, and look like? What game are you playing? If it were a basketball game you could describe the squeak of shoes on the floor, the piercing screech of the referees whistle, the cheers from the crowd. You could describe looking at the digital numbers on the score board, the cheerleaders metallic pom poms, or the determination etched on your opponent's face. See? There is so much more you can explore here and make this poem that much more powerful. Yes, we are excited to feel your victory but what exactly does victory feel like? More description = Better poem.

Hopefully this was helpful! Keep writing!

You use victory two times. that's fine but would sound better with two different words.

First off, I think you left out the W in "sweat" in your first line.
I really liked this short poem, I easily got the message and understood the "thrill of the game" through your words. In your second to last line, I would personally change the "you" to "a" or even "my" because you aren't really encouraging others to go forward and achieve but describing how you feel when you succeed. There's really nothing wrong with it, just my own little opinion. But definitely great overall!