to death's tune

"She glances down."
There was something very distracting about this line. It's weird the way it comes off. She glances down. Rather than, "she glanced down." Which goes much quicker, and is easy.

"blood-her blood-drops onto the floor."
Okay at first I felt this was fine, normal even. Then you go on to use the word shattered. You have very dramatic description. So I thought why not "spills." Her blood-spills onto the floor." Also this floor. Is it tile, cement, wood? You should say to get this picture a little cleared up in the readers mind. Anyway that's more like advice because I feel a word like spills, is better for your style, and in that sentence.

"and a clearity of the circumstances she found herself in."
The word you are looking for is clarity, not clearity. Simple mistake.

and then at the end.
"She had not became the Queen to dance death's tune."
I believe the word is become, not became.


Now to give you my critique. You're getting a lot of well deserved praise for this piece. You have a very dramatic, poetic, lyrical prose. It's very beautiful, but I felt like you got lost in it at times. You forgot that you're telling a story. I knew some sort of carnage was taking place. You don't really say, you just hint at with stuff like, "she ignored the men collapsing around her." Well what do they look like, what's going on, where am I? That's a good question.
At first I thought she was in the castle. Then I thought, she's closer, she's overlooking the battle. Then I think she's actually in the battle but not fighting, just standing and observing somehow.
Set the scene, you have emotion, that's good, but its not enough. You need to wield it, focus your thoughts, and lay out a scene.

She's a good queen because she cares. Cares about her people and some other stuff which was kind of left ambiguous. Tips for you if you want to continue. You need to make the king either weak, sick, dead, missing, evil, or more preoccupied with other stuff. In other words a bad king. In order for your queen to have a prominent role in this kingdom. You and I both know why. It's unrealistic to have such a powerful queen without the king being Joffrey (evil) or Tommen (who's weak) or Robert (who could care less). You need your king to have a good reason to be AFK.

I read this whole thing, and I can't exactly say what happens. She bleeds from fear/anger by pinching herself, and it drips to the floor/ground. (depending on where she is) Then she's standing around or walking around seeing people die. And that's it.
Internally it's hard for her to see that, the consequences of her actions it seems. Which makes it interesting because there's so much past we don't know. That's a good thing. Story before the story. All good stories have them.

But you could say that in two sentences. It's only because you are a very passionate writer that you could squeeze out an entire page of it. Your like my favorite poet John Keats, (if you don't know him. I'd strongly recommend you read, "when I have fears that I may cease to be") Keats once won a contest against other poets by making a poem on something as humble as a blade of grass. In other words you not only see the beauty in things, but you can go on and on about them. It doesn't feel like a complete scene though, or story. It just feels like a little sliver of something that could be grand.

I guess I was pretty rough. It's just I read it, and I didn't really enjoy the actual story, because there wasn't enough of it. Which is a real shame because you do write beautifully.

So..
Organize your thoughts. Control that poetic verse, don't let it get out of control. You could have a whole thing about nothing. And it would be terrible for that reason. Make sure you stay in the same tense. And make sure that when you write, you aren't just writing to make it sound beautiful, it has to make sense too. Other than that, cheers. You've got some talent in you. Don't let it go to waste.

Hello, dearestperegrine! Welcome to the Young Writers Society! You're not related to an Alma Peregrine by any chance, are you?

Your imagery is amazing; shatters on impact, scarlet streams, claw marks. These phrases and the many others like them have made your short a pleasure to read.

One thing you could edit a bit is your tenses. The majority of this piece is written in present tense, but every now and then you flick over to past tense, which destroys the nice flow I had going. Here are two examples:
I remember, she thought, and feels a pinch in her palms. It would be better to read she thinks.
A decision had to be made lest she surrenders the country to the ground along with her people, those of her warriors, her allies. You've got had, but then it also says surrenders.

"And I forgive nothing."
This was a powerful line, which the whole short had lead up to. It tells me that through all that pain she has remembered and she has made her choice- and she won't forgive.

This was a beautiful piece of writing! Well done.

I loved this story to the last sentance! it was masterfully crafted and the style used fit the story to a tee. I think this has a lot of potential and you should definately do more things like this. the plot was quite intriguing and had be holding my breath to see what happens next. once again, i say this work is a masterpeice in the making! soulful, poetic,and suspenseful.

Hello Remington38 for a review,
I really liked this story and the nice slow build up. It was suspenseful and I really liked her thought process being put in. I could clearly see her clenching her hands and the blood dripping. There were no critics that blatantly stood out at me. I enjoyed reading the story and the ending was put together smoothly and clearly. I will be interested to read more of your work.

Hey there, Dearest!
Firstly, welcome to the site! Congrats on posting a work so swiftly.
I actually really liked this piece. It reminds me a lot of things I used to write (and still do, sometimes ) It's a little rough around the edges, but that's what YWS is for!!
So, before I head on to nitpicks, I'd like to say that I love how your writing style, how you were able to fit in enough details for a good story in such a small amount of space, and how you chose to end it. Cliched endings are too many and too close together, so differentiation is nice to find.
Okay, so in the first paragraph, I noticed a problem I run into often when describing scenes with similarities. In this case, it was 'blood'; it was repeated a bit too much for just one paragraph. The blood, her blood, their blood, the wall's blood, and some more blood smeared everywhere else. While the descriptions are necessary, the word is used too often and too close together. Under normal circumstances, I'd recommend using the lovely Dictionary.com to search for synonyms for a word, but 'blood' is a bit hard to replace. I've often used 'crimson/coppery liquid' as a substitute, but that'll only take you so far. Also, scarlet streams was a good word choice; I liked it
Instead of "the blood-her blood...", maybe "the blood-her own..." or something like it?
Next, I found something else I still have a problem with in my writing, especially when writing in third person like this. You switch tenses! From past to present and back again, it appears that you switch the tenses so that the sentences sound more natural. I still haven't broken this habit, no matter how hard I actively try. Some sentences simply sound better in my ears with past tense, and others with present tense. It's just something I wanted to mention in case you hadn't noticed, like I hadn't at first.
Finally, at the end, "became" should be "become" so the tenses match the rest of the sentence.
Overall, I really liked the story, and hope you plan on sticking around and publishing more! I went ahead and followed you, because I really enjoy stories like this--medieval fantasy, tragedy, and strong, non-cliched female MCs are hard to come by it seems--and would love to chat sometime, if you'd like!
Happy writing, and good luck with your stories!!
Sherri~