Published March 20, 2006
It’s late,
I enter to an empty house.
Cold...alone..
I head up the stairs, no one.
I grab a drink from the kitchen and walk to my room,
Then I see it.
That little white paper, oh how those words scared me.
I hurried up the stairs to the attic,
There she is, shaking, pistol in hand.
I ran towards her to stop it...
I'm sorry.
That’s the last thing she said...
Why did she have to do it?
I heard a bang and watched her blood cover the floor.
No... she can’t do this to me...
I stand up slowly and pick up the pistol.
How could she do this to me?
I slowly put the gun to my head.
I'm going with her.
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141,287 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
It seemed pretty fast to me. I got the feeling that the narrator wasn't killing himself to be with his mate in the eternal embrace of death, but to chase her out of anger O_o
There, fixed and added lines. Happy?
The way you kept going of what she was doing line by line it didn't really fit to me. In my opinion, I think maybe you should add more detail and like Inertia said, some imagery. After commas I would make a new line to make it go more smoothly, but that's just me.
It’s late;
I enter to an empty house Should be a new line.
No offense but: UUUUUUUGH.
Why would you say bitch? It seems the character cared a lot to have called this other one a bitch. Selfish selfish... I already fixed one of your poems to the max... I shall attempt with this one by rewriting it thouroughly... later. SCHOOL BUS!
Yeah: you've concentrated on the narrative so heavily it just seems like a sequence of events line by line. This isn't chronology; it's poetry. You have some good ideas to base a poem on here, work with them and construct something that can mean something to a reader. Play with words and ideas. Don't neccesarily go for the straight-forward option of stating exactly what is going on, but convey your anger into more subtle means. No-one can tell you how to do this, you have to learn by yourself. Keep going at it and eventually your voice will be heard through your work.
It was too 'this is what's happening' when it should be 'this is what's happening and how, and why, and what it means. I guess te actions were supposed to speak for themselves, but they don't really. At the moment it's a little hollow. Make use of some imagery, too. Great imagery can be the best thing a writer can do. Hey, that almost rhymed. Ugh. Anyway, make things a bit more abstract and bring in a bit more emotion through imagery and meaning, and you'll do fine.
...or you could completely ignore my advice.