Published March 20, 2006
When I was a girl
My mother would say
'Don't say mean things in the rain
For you can't predict the day'
When I got older
I remembered what she said
Though wish I lived by it
Before my brother was dead
Now still to this day
I continue to see
The cause of his death
Looms over me
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141,354 Literary Works • 674,379 Reviews
there was no emotion and i didnt feel anything when i read this. it as too concise and also confusing.
but keep up the good work
I liked the beginning...Really thought you were gonna bring sumthing outta it...but yeah its okay..I've written some weird poem with no meaning too....it just happens...don't feel bad about it
Getting better? I've posted all of my poems at the same time, why does everyone say I'm 'getting better'?? In any case, I know it's short, I didn't want to FORCE it by trying to make it lengthy.. I can't think of anything to add!
It was confusing and I think you should add more detail to inform the reader of what exactly happened instead of just leaving it at "Before my brother was dead" maybe making it a little more exciting. Overall I think it's a good poem. I really like reading your work and by what i've read it does seem that you are getting better at poetry.
Once again, your rhyming was good - I commented on this in one of your others. The last three lines were especially good. "Looms over me" provides excellent imagery, even if the idea of death looming is somewhat overdone. But don't worry about that. However, as Misty says, there is little information held within the lines. It is hard to understand. Perhaps expand it a little more. Don't explicitly say what happens, but say enough so we can make genuine guesses and become interested in what you have to say (more). I think you've got a lot of potential to improve your work.
Not a little confusing, a lot confusing. It made no sense whatsoever. The reader is given the vague idea that the girl said something mean about her brother and he's dead now, but there aren't any specifics. This feels too short. To get your reader to connect, you need to give us more details. However: Your rhyming was excellent, it didn't feel forced at all, excepting perhaps the last four lines. Which also made no sense. Overall-this has potential. A bit of revision and it shoudl be great.