Published January 25, 2010
I looked through the windows at the deep, rich, green Christmas trees with bright, colorful flashing lights and glistening ornaments as I passed by each house. It was only 5 degrees out and all I had on was a pair of ripped jeans, a tank-top, a thin sweatshirt, and a pair of fingerless gloves; I was freezing, but as long as I wasn't home I didn't care. My jet black hair clung to my face, neck, and back and was sprinkled with white snow flakes. I was still two blocks from the house and my body was numb after walking half a mile in deep snow and extreme cold. As I neared the house I could hear my parents screaming at each other; it was going to be a horrid night.
Please review this and tell me what you think, I want to know how it is before I continue to write this story. Thanks. 
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,702 Reviews
Hey there.
From experience, I can tell you that if you were walking in five degree weather with only that much clothing you would have been more than numb. Also with the snow it's going to be a lot worse. You wouldn't be able to make it that far. I'm pretty sure about this.
Your sentences tend to be quite long. You're gonna want some variation in length. Another thing I noticed is that you try to smoosh too much description into one sentence. It makes the sentence feel clunky. I'm sorry that I can't do a longer review. You have a good start here. PM me when and if you post more.
Keep writing!
~Danie
Hey! Sorry for the sorta negatory vote, but that's just what I thought. You have tons of talent for describing, I just think you went a little overboard and you also had tons of run-ons. This sounds like an awesome skeleton for a real, longer story. Welcome to YWS! Keep working, you have lots of talent. PM me with any questions, or check out the Information Desk.
--Dreamy115