Solace

Hey dcrno,

I like that you're using very visual images in this poem. It helps the reader really see what you're talking about and even feel the cold since you mention cold so many times in the poem. Like, there is no doubt in my mind that this is winter.

I would like to see you develop more towards the emotional side of the scale though because this feels kind of dry. I feel like we see all of these images, and you're not really going in depth in enough of them to really leave an impact. A few minutes after I finish reading the poem, and I just remember that you used the word "air" too much, and there was something with a train? it might have been a train? I think it was a train.

So here's a link to a thing I wrote about how to put some more emotion into a poem and it's really just a mish-mash of suggestions. Editing for Emotion I don't think this poem is preachy at all, which is great. I just think that you're not really adding enough internal specifics for the reader to connect with.

How does the speaker feel about the train? Is it a train? Where are they going? Are they going to be homesick? I feel like all of these could potentially add a little more character into the poem and give us a plot to really grab onto and enjoy with this beautiful language you are using.

If you add the personal details into the poem, and continue to use this wonderful language that you've got, you'll end up with a really nice poem to read. Anyway, welcome to YWS! I'm really glad to see another poetry writer, and I hope that you can enjoy our endless supply of resources, and even contribute to our collection!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask a mod. You've joined during Review Month where our goal for the site overall is to write 1500 reviews total, and each person can aim to achieve 50 goals personally to receive a gift at the end of the month. Welcome to YWS!

-Aley

Hey there, Royal here for a quick review.

This was interesting. For your first poem in a while, I think it's pretty good. Let's look at some places for improvement.

One thing I always struggle with in my own poetry is specificity. I have no idea what's really going on in this poem. It's all extremely vague, and probably deeply metaphorical if I had the time or energy to think harder about what it could mean. But since I don't, for now it seems opaque. Not that all poetry has to be narrative, but if you're going to include narrative elements, they have to be toward a specific purpose. I'm not sure what the king has to do with anything, and while I like the imagery of the water, your steed, the gold, and your reflection (or lack thereof), I am so busy focusing on what the king could mean, where he is, and what he is doing in the poem, that I barely notice the beauty of your next lines about the sun on the horizon and the mirror.

You do an excellent job of setting up the emotions at the beginning, but I start to lose you around the stanza about the throne. I'm not sure what the speaker is doing there or why the throne is significant. Like I said before, if you're going to have narrative elements in your poetry, they have to be congruous and continuous, specific and purposeful.

I love how you described the cold; I got shivers reading. But when your speaker walks into the throne room, I start to lose that sense of isolation that you started off with when you talk about the sun, which is typically a symbol of peace in poetry.

All that being said, I like the idea of finding solace despite all this shifting from isolated cold to sunny comfort. I like the way you set up the mirror in the middle and brought it back at the end. It would've been neat to see it in the beginning; maybe the speaker is looking into the mirror the entire poem, ruminating on their steed and throne? Who knows. I think it's good, regardless of whether you decide to edit it.

Overall, despite its vagueries, I liked this poem a lot. I could see it in my mind pretty well, and that's always the mark of a good poem. And after three poem-less years, I'm pretty impressed. Good job!