Published January 29, 2009
I would like to thank all the people who previously posted a review on this story. Thank you so much. Your advice was incredibly helpful.
People always asked me what I wanted to be. When I was young, the answer always varied. One time I remember being asked by my mom’s new boyfriend (now old ex). Boy did it shock him when I looked him straight in the eye and said, “I want to be better than you.” That scared him off fast.
Other times I would answer with the obvious. Ballerina, a clown, a teacher, a vet, a doctor, an actress, a singer, you know, the stand-bys. But when high school started, suddenly saying you wanted to be a clown didn’t really get you laughs anymore, usually just confused looks and awkward silences. So, I knew that soon I would have to come up with something legit. After some intense searching on Google and some soul searching, I came up with nothing. Good thing Mr. Kroner pointed me in the right direction.
Mr. Kroner was an old man in his seventies. He wore lots of suits in a thousand different colors, ties with cartoon charactors on them, and always smiled when I entered the classroom. Behind his old Harry Potter glasses he would smile and say, “You’re going to do something big.” He was a weirdo, I’ll give you that, but he was the only person up to that point who had ever given me the time of day. For some weird reason, I started to believe him.
He taught an elective for sophomores called “Architecture 101”. At first, I only took it because I knew it would look good on a college resume, you know, if I decided at some point I wanted to go to college. Eventually though, I loved his class and began to excel. So it only made sense that he insist that I go to a summer camp that he happened to be sponsoring. Having practically no friends and no life at the time, I decided to go. That began the only part of my life worth telling.
*
“Samantha Marie Parker, don’t even think about it.” My mom liked to yell a lot. Even in the car on what was supposed to be a good day, it made no difference. Yelling was yelling: she did it everywhere. She tried going professional with yelling, but that didn’t turn out too well, so she stayed in minor league yelling instead. Any place we were together was her yelling Yankee Stadium. I stared out the window at the dandelion infested grass flying by. I closed my eyes and imagined myself taking one and blowing it as hard as I could, wishing my wish for silence would come true.
My eyes opened and nothing happened. I coughed loudly, faking a cold, and said, “I don’t want to go anymore. It’s a stupid waste of money.” In all honesty, I was just voicing her opinion.
“Who is the mom around here?” It was rhetorical question, I knew, because if it wasn’t I’d have to tell her the real answer. “That’s right. Me. Therefore I’ll do all the worrying about money. You go to this stupid camp and enjoy yourself.” The way she said it made it sound more like a threat than some kind of encouragement.
My eyes shifted back to gaze out the window. My mom should have been a step-mother, she fit the stereotype. She was cruel, hasty, and judgemental. I could even imagine her being cast in a remake of Cinderella. Sadly though, she was my real mother, though I was convinced otherwise.
Slowly the car approached the end destination. It was a mansion; I swear it was hugest thing I’d ever seen. It was even bigger than the lies my mom told me. She quickly kicked me out of the car and wished me some words of false support. I couldn’t quite remember what they were because I was too busy looking at my project, my building.
It was a washed out crème color, with a dark brown roof and dozens upon dozens of windows that all seemed to be broken. It had beautiful crimson shingles and miniature gargoyles. I guessed that it was probably made in the mid-1800s, to be honest, I wasn’t really guessing. I snuck a glance at the corner stone, which proudly was carved 1859 . It was surrounded by evergreens and large bulky bushes that hadn’t been well maintained since the original owner lived there or so it seemed.
The mansion was so beautiful that I actually had to remember to breathe. Slowly I forced myself to go inside. I didn’t want to be late on my first day. I’d save that for, you know, the second day most likely. I turned the brass doorknob and stepped inside. I was surprised by the cool rush of air that hit my face and felt a shiver roll down my spine. With the door open, the contrast between the hot summer’s day and the cold indoors was astonishing. Rubbing my arms furiously in a pathetic attempt to warm myself, I haphazardly closed the door with my elbow and stood uncomfortably in the foyer.
I wasn’t sure if I should speak up, or just wait for someone to notice I was there. I decided to do neither. I started walking around the house in awe of the architecture. It was as elegant as the palace in Versailles and decorated like when the Roosevelt’s were in the White House. Portraits of famous French and American war heroes flowed from room to room. Even though I was a terrible history student, I was able to identify George Washington and General Lafayette, whatever his first name was.
“Who are you?” Asked a deep voice behind me. Startled, I turned to see an elderly man wearing a grey suit and a purple paisley tie looking at me suspiciously. In contrast with his otherwise proffesional apparel, he wore Nike tennis shoes on his feet. Real classy. “Well? Who are you exactly?” He glanced down at a clipboard in his hands and flipped through the pages. “Sharon Stone? Mary Korlinic? Probably not Timothy Zemith. . .” He muttered.
I answered for him, “I’m Sam Parker.”
He looked up at me and gave a low chuckle, “I’m guessing that’s short for ‘Samantha’, correct?”
“Yeah, that’s right,” I stated plainly. The moment seemed really awkward. I was tempted to make small talk but he had his own agenda apparently.
“Follow me into the Parlor. You’ll meet your team there and I’ll explain everything. I’m Jeffrey by the way and will not respond any type of name with the word ‘mister’ in it, so don’t think about sucking up.” He started walking farther into the middle of the house, into unknown territory. I was a little surprised by this man, probably in his seventies, being so snippy. I thought at some point over the age of sixty you mellowed out, like old age basically made you free of the angry and harsh attitude I knew many young people possessed. Apparently this guy didn’t get the memo.
He led me first through an extravagant dining room, with a table right out of the painting of the Last Supper and wooden chairs carved with intricate knobs and curves. Next was a smaller room that had only one velvet loveseat in the corner surrounded by five foot stools, even though the couch could not hold more than three people at the most. Lastly, we reached a large room with high ceilings, beautiful emerald green sofas, and four of my fellow teammates, as Jeffrey had called them.
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140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
i love this. i was gonna post a review on it before but it said it wasnt long enough and it rejected my review somehow?
ok well i love the way your work flows. it feels like one thing leads into the next subject, and you have good control. you have a way of introducing characters and plot elements that makes it so that... the reader is being fed information, and remembers it, without even realizing that they're learning.
you're awesome
This was great.
I loved the characters, although I think they should be developed a little more, it will be easier to read once we know hte characters a little better.
Also, I loved how descriptive you were. I could picture everything very well, because you expressed them so clearly. The part when you described the building i thought was great. I pictured it so well because you wrote with such clarity.
Keep going with this the ending really leaves you hanging (it's not a bad thing) I just want to know what happens next! Good job and keep it up.
thanks for all your reviews! I am finally going through and making all the corrections that were suggested. Muchos gracias!
Hey
So this is one of the first posts i've read, but straight away i was drawn right in.
The subject matter at the start of not knowing what you want to be when you grow up is brilliant and I identified with Sam straight away, having been in a similar position for ages. (Apparently writing still doesn't count for me).
I love the way you described the mansion and it helped me to visualise it clearly.
Sam seems like a very strong character and i'm really intrigued to find out more about her.
I'm definitely going to follow this story.
Great job
xDudettex
Hi!
Okay, so first off, in one of the beginning paragrapgs, where you say "light of day", the expression is, I believe, time of day.
The fifth paragraph is genius. Sounds a lot like my mother, hah.
In the eighth paragraph, you say "It was mansion." Through an "a" in there after was.
Again in the eighth paragraph , you say "which proudly was carved 1859", there should be an "in" before which.
Okay, so overall, the character development is good, but I want to know more about her relationship with her mother. Is she her real mother, or not? That's the part that really confused me.
I'd love for you to continue this. It seems like a really interesting story, and I'm honestly yearning to read more.
Oh noez! 101th review! You messed up my nice, even 100, but it was worth it, haha. PM with any questions or if you want another review, and I'll be more than happy to help.
Hiya! So, I found only a handful of nit-picks:
I got a little lost here. Made no difference to what? You need to tell us what the benchmark is!
Um, pardon? I don't understand this reference.
This line made me think they were walking back outside or something. Not going deeper into the house.
Characters: I had a hard time distiguishing between Mr. Kroner and Jeffrey by your description of each. You describe them both as being in their seventes and wearing suites. Put a bit more distiction between them so we don't think that her teacher is the one asking who she is!
As for your MC, she's a pretty well defined character. The way you have her describe people talking and the surrounding enviroment shows us what she thinks of the world. It really makes her come alive!
Your description of things ties into your MC well. In the opening scene we see that she notices clothing more then a person's looks, and it makes sense that she would notice all the architechture after her class. Plus, that's the camp she's going to, right?
Overall, I really think you should continue this! Your plot looks interested, and you have crafted a very good hook in both the prologue and the start of the story. Nice work!
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Thank you all so much!
Your reviews have been so helpful. :]
---
daydreamer9
Um well the other two reviews basically did all the corrections. But, this was an excellent story which you really should continue.
. I would also suggest naming these characters if you wish to make this into a story. It is cumbersome to refer to them as the architecture teacher and the guy at the mansion.
Develop the character of her architecture teacher and the guy at the mansion a lot more. I didn't like how you labeled the teacher as weird. Don't tell that he is weird, show some of his odd mannerisms.
I really liked the way you compared the mom's voice to major-league yelling, I thought this was a perfect comparison that I want to steal
My favorite line, by far, had to be "Apparently this guy didn’t get the memo. ". Haha, I thought the way that was phrased was adorable.
This is a really original idea, and I would advise you to continue this story. Feel free to PM me if you wish to discuss it.
fluteluvr77<3
Since Winter's Twelfth Night has done all the nit-picking (and it would be a pain to do all that again
) I'll do the concept part.
~Organization~
You did all right here. The little preface at the beginning was not at all confusing, though when you switched from "What I Want To Be" to "Mr Kroner" it did throw me off guard. I didn't understand that Mr. Kroner played a part in the choosing of the MC's occupation. Perhaps clarify that by saying something like, "Of course, that was before Mr. Kroner." Or something.
~Voice/Word Choice~
Great job here. There was plenty of it, and it did seem to me that I was hearing someone's thoughts instead of just their story. (That sort of thing really gets boring after a while, you know?) And you often "spoke" to the audience by saying, "you know?" after some sentence. I like that a lot.
~Presentation/Conventions~
Well, obviously, there were a lot of grammatical and punctuation mistakes, and Winter's Twelfth Night took care of them. But don't worry, we all have that problem. Few of the things posted here are "perfect". And your presentation was okay. I think you might need to dumb-down the size of your paragraphs, though, because huge paragraphs are always difficult.
~Characterization~
Wonderful job here. Like I said, Sam had a lot of voice, so I got into her head quickly. And the other characters, especially Mr. Kroner, and their descriptions were very original and real. Good work.
~Sunny
Hello daydreamer! Well, this was truly outstanding. It had a wonderful flow and I noticed very few grammar mistakes. I guess you could say that grammar is my "specialty" when it comes to reviewing. This piece was filled with voice, which really made it interesting. Well done! This is the best piece I've read in a while.
Here are my critiques:
Usually I would tell people to stay away from using parentheses in fiction, but I think this actually works well here.
I think you mean to say "time of day", not "light of day".
Try not to start your sentences with and, but, or etc.
Instead of "camp in the summer" you can just say summer camp. It would help the flow of this sentence.
This sentence is just a tiny bit awkward. Maybe try saying something along the lines of "Having practically no friends and no life at the time, I decided to go."
Again, try not to start your sentences with and. Instead, you could say something like "There begins the only part of my life worth telling."
This is an awkward sentence. Try "Even in the car on what was supposed to be a good day, it made no difference."
Go Red Sox! Sorry, just had to say that.
Replace "of" with "for". It is your wish for silence that you want to come true.
First of all, it should be "It was a mansion. Also, what exactly is the hugest thing she's ever seen? Maybe you should reword this. Try "The place was a mansion; I swear it was the hugest thing I'd ever seen."
This should be two separate sentences. Replace the comma after "1800s" with a period.
Take out "or at least". It would help the flow of the sentence.
Wonderful comparisons. But it should be "the palace in Versailles."
Here you should take out the parentheses and just add a comma before it.
The period after "right" should be a comma.
You need to add "to" after "respond".
I love this part!
"Lead" should be "led". Great description, but I would take out "into their backs". It would help the flow.
Good ending. Take out "And" at the beginning of the sentence.
Once again, excellent job! I loved the description of the mansion.
I hope this review was helpful! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Winter