Hi! Thank you for reading! Please leave a review. It's a new concept I am working on. I know the grammar will not be perfect as I haven't went back over it. I am mainly wanting to know if this reaches out and grabs you attention. Does it make you want to read more?? Thanks again,
Dawn
* So, I fixed some things that people suggested. Please give some more input! Thanks!!
Chapter One:
Rain fell in what resembled sheets as I walked numbly towards the caskets in front of me. I felt so lost and helpless, and nothing would help. As always in the spring time here, the green foliage was vibrant and almost glowing. Yet, even that could not take away from the dismal atmosphere that blanketed the small cemetery. A heavy and depressing mood seemed to swallow up the whole gathering seemed appropriate for this day.
A funeral such as this should be accompanied by rain.
I raised my eyes to the sky, blinking against the droplets that hit my lashes; I let the rain mix with my tears and praying silently, hoped the rain would wash away some of the horrible pain that I had. I don’t understand any of this. The little arms that were wrapped around my neck tightened and it caused me to look down at my little brother, Hayden. For the first time today he simply cried quietly. No longer did he sob and scream out for his mother. His cool blue eyes looked gray as they reflected the dark environment around him, and they held a sorrow that no child should ever have to know.
For days it had been a nightmare for the two of us, one I kept hoping to wake up from. I wanted to make sense of what was happening, but I couldn’t. All of this seemed surreal. I hugged him tighter, offering as much comfort as I was capable of giving. I have to say, it’s not much, because all I want is my mother as well.
We walked slowly from behind the group, avoiding head stones and graves. The sight of all the dark clothing and black umbrellas among the old tombstones reminded me oddly of an otherworldly garden, blooming in the darkness of this tragedy. It made me want to run away and hide. All of this was too much, and I was only just holding it together so I could take care of Hayden. I kissed the top of his head when he placed his face back against my chest. I loved him so much and it killed what little life that was left inside me to watch him suffer through this.
The high pitched keening of a woman accompanied the low lamenting song of the choir. Raindrops splattered the plastic umbrellas like millions of tiny tap dancers, and the sounds together made a heart wrenching melody like no other I had ever heard.
“Mommy….” Hayden whimpered as we saw her. My own breath caught and a pitiful sound squeaked out of me as I went to my knees in front of the two caskets. I could no longer stand. No longer could I look into the faces of the people I loved. It was too hard. The little bundle in my arms twisted to semi sit in my lap, gripping my wrists with his little hands. There we both sat. Statues on the cold wet ground as the ceremony continued on around us. Many people gave words; words of hope, sorrow, and memories, but I didn’t hear. Everyone else grieved together over the loss. Yet, we sat apart, alone. I had never felt so utterly alone.
I studied the caskets as something to distract me from the despair that threatened to overtake me. One was full sized, a dark chocolate brown with antique looking handles and trim. It was covered in blue flowers of every shade. That casket was closed. The body to damaged to view. A large photo sat on top of it along with various mementoes of the young woman inside it. A small one sat in front of it, slightly lower to the ground. It was dark green, the child’s favorite color, and lined with gray. From the angle I sat, I could only see a little bit of the dark blond hair and a tiny bit of the nose.
Time passed and the service drew to an end. People filed in front of us, paying respects. Some could hardly look and left sobbing. Others touched the little cold face, probably wishing the boy was only sleeping. I sobbed as her boyfriend, Jake, walked past us and laid a single red rose along with the locket he had given her for my fifteenth birthday on the closed casket. His shoulders shook as he sobbed, unashamed of showing his grief. He held on to the casket as though his legs weren’t strong enough to hold him. I saw him whispering something, and then he touched his fingers to his lips before placing them back to the coffin in a farewell. His dad placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and Jake nodded, wiping his eyes on his suit sleeved.
I wanted to run to him, but my body wouldn’t move. Leaning down, he pulled a Bumblebee transformer toy from his pocket and laid it in the coffin beside the boy. Then they walked away slowly, the young man leaning against his father for support.
It was a long time before the line of people cleared; it seemed the whole town came to pay their respects. It was even longer before everyone left the cemetery, and still we sat.
We sat, my brother and I, sat on that cold and unforgiving ground and watched. We watched as they closed the open coffin. We didn’t move as they gathered the flowers and photo’s meant to be returned. We stayed even when they took the small canopy down, folded up the chairs, and rolled up the funeral homes fake green carpet grass. We were still there we the only thing left was to lower the coffin, and no one questioned us. They didn’t question us because they couldn’t see us.
They couldn’t see us because the bodies they were beginning to lower into the ground; they were ours.
Hayden and I were dead.
We were dead; and we had just attended our own funerals.
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139,248 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
This was incredibly good. The idea that you are going for is unique and creative. I sincerely hope that you are planning to write more with this idea, as I will be anxiously awaiting it.
I did notice a few quick things that I felt I needed to point out (I'm not sure how to put examples in reviews yet). The last sentence in the first paragraph was a little confusing. I'm not quite sure what you were trying to see, and I think you may have been trying to write two sentences at once and they kind of just merged into each other. That is something I myself have a great deal of trouble with.
I also noticed that somewhere you put "to" instead of "too" but I lost where it was so this part is entirely unhelpful... Found it! The sentence is "The body to damaged" where it should be "The body too damaged" there may also need to be a comma somewhere in that sentence, but I over use commas so again I'm not too sure.
There is also a part when the girls boyfriend lays the flower on her casket and she talks about MY birthday, which I feel hints at the ending. If you want to keep the ending a surprise until the end, I might switch the my back to her.
Again this is an amazing piece, And I really hope you continue this soon.
Thank you to everyone who has left a review! This is the novel I am just starting. I'm still working out kinks and twists in the plot. I actually wrote this on break at work so I'm surprised it turn out very well attacks all. I did have the whole scene in my head though. I'll be working on perfecting the rest of thos chapter before moving on but I'll be sure to post more!! Once again, thanks soooo much!
Dawn
OMG this was bone chillingly amazing
OH MY GOD!!!
HOLY CRAPOLA PIZZA WITH CHEESE AND EXTRA WOW!!!
I love this story and I didn't expect the ending at all!!!
Which is a first form considering I don't get surprised very often and usually I guess when it comes to stuff like this in books.
So congratulations, you've broken me. :/
I did not understand the part where the little brother Hayden said "“Mommy….” Hayden whimpered as we saw her. My own breath caught and a pitiful sound squeaked out of me as I went to my knees in front of the two caskets."
I was confused in that part because I thought you were talking about their mom then at the end you were attending your own funeral...
I guess I get it now.
I seriously am mad at you for breaking my awesomeness I can guess it right streak. but I forgive you...*Snuggles.
I loved the story, because it was dark and riveting and perfect and amazing and I want to right like that.
So thanks, and keep at it!
P.S Will there be sequel?
Hey there, omg i love this so much i need you to make more but i love this one "A funeral such as this should be accompanied by rain." were you meaning this was like a gloomy day... "We sat, my brother and I, sat" and this one right here I don't think you should say that because i think most of us already know who we is. I also have one question like the lady or man down there said who died were you and your brother ken to them were they your mother and father do you know them and how did they die? Omg the last part had me shocked you and Hayden were y'all angels or something.
This paragraph is for the shocking twister this has scared me a lot because you left me with a cliff hanger I'm like wait a minute who were the young boy and his father were they friends or something like i am so confused this has left me on the edge of my seat begging for more more more more more more more more more and more sorry about that I just love this to much for it to be forgotten! I need you to write more about this!
"I have to say, it’s not much. I want my mother too." I think this should be I have to say, it's not much I want my mother also or my mom also but I don't think the sentences should be that short!
Omg with reading it fully i found out it was her boyfriend but the questions that are racing my mind are... how did they both die a car accident, murder, fight between their parents.... did their parents die to did they all die together how old was she when she died! Please this is shocking i need more information.
So in conclusion I wonder where you will continue on with your story will there be heaven hell underworld bringing back to life vampires werewolf tell me please
Hey there, omg i love this so much i need you to make more but i love this one "A funeral such as this should be accompanied by rain." were you meaning this was like a gloomy day... "We sat, my brother and I, sat" and this one right here I don't think you should say that because i think most of us already know who we is. I also have one question like the lady or man down there said who died were you and your brother ken to them were they your mother and father do you know them and how did they die? Omg the last part had me shocked you and Hayden were y'all angels or something.
This paragraph is for the shocking twister this has scared me a lot because you left me with a cliff hanger I'm like wait a minute who were the young boy and his father were they friends or something like i am so confused this has left me on the edge of my seat begging for more more more more more more more more more and more sorry about that I just love this to much for it to be forgotten! I need you to write more about this!
"I have to say, it’s not much. I want my mother too." I think this should be I have to say, it's not much I want my mother also or my mom also but I don't think the sentences should be that short!
Omg with reading it fully i found out it was her boyfriend but the questions that are racing my mind are... how did they both die a car accident, murder, fight between their parents.... did their parents die to did they all die together how old was she when she died! Please this is shocking i need more information.
So in conclusion I wonder where you will continue on with your story will there be heaven hell underworld bringing back to life vampires werewolf tell me please
Hey there! Welcome to the fantastic world of YWS ~ Hope you enjoy yourself here.
I'm Wolfare, and I take the pleasure of being your first reviewer.
You have an interesting first paragraph and I'm left asking questions like "Who died? Why is this person at a funeral?" And I am quite intrigued. The only issue I'm finding is that it seems a bet repetitive, mentioning the rain causes the dreary mood, the rain should be there, rain was appropriate. Rain is a fairly common use to set a mood of depression and such, and there's nothing wrong with using it here, but try to use other emotions from the narrator themselves.
Now, I must say you have a very beautiful sense of imagery, and it all flowed together very well, taking from one image to another. The word choice that was there did do a nice job of setting the mood, but it still felt like there was something missing. The entire time, the narrator was a mere bystander to their own funeral, but she seemed rather void of emotion. The narration itself was good, but it didn't really show her inner thoughts or emotions. And sometimes, they didn't feel very deep. The best one shown was probably when a sob was caught in her throat. Other times, it felt more plain. Perhaps look into trying to drag something out and really describer her feelings as she watches in utter helplessness.
The ending was interesting, but the entire time, I completely saw it coming. There wasn't that much of a shock that was probably intended. The entire time, the two were just disconnected from the rest of the group and it all centered around how these two people, a girl and boy, killed and everyone seemed so upset about it (even the boyfriend, but if they were there, she would've come to him). I recommend you work on giving the narrator a much less disconnected feel with everyone else there.
Otherwise, this was pretty nice. I am definitely interested in reading on, but I do wonder how you'll take this. I've seen quite a few spiritual/after world books, and I wonder what kind of twist you'll make it. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thank you for your review! Did any of the changes I made help?
Hello! Welcome to YWS! I'm Flash, and I'm going to give this a review.
Alright, let's get started with some technical mistakes. I really didn't see any grammar issues here. Good job on that! However, there are some things I'd like to point out:
^Try shortening this sentence down a bit. It seems overly long. Do we *really* need to know where they live? (Unless of course the location is important for the story, then disregard what I just said).
^Instead of saying, "I raised my eyes upward" perhaps change "eyes" with "gaze." It's nitpicky on my part, I know, but "raised my eyes upward" just seems weird.
That's all I could find really. (Although I'm sure some more seasoned reviewers can find more issues.) Now, let's talk about your story.
I enjoyed it! I didn't know where you were going with the funeral thing and then the end completely shocked me. It's a nice, unexpected little plot twist.
That's all from me. Keep writing!
~Flash
Thank you for your review. It truly helped!